From Will and Grace (my 5th favorite TV show)
"you don't have to lose to have fun. you are not France."
which reminds me of a discussion in one of the books on France I recently read, which positted that France is determined to always be runner-up, but never win. Another book said that the French prefer to have to best taste rather than produce the best of anything at all. I think the French have the best breakfast pastry.
This morning Grace Paley said on KQED (one of our local public radio stations), I paraphrase, "You can love 2 places. I don't know if you can love 2 people, but you can love 2 places." She loves rural vermont (I think it was) and New York. She loves the rural area because she loves "ecology". I don't know what makes people think that living in rural areas, where resources are wasted profligately by definition, gives a deeper connection with nature. It's kind of like beating your wife because you love her.
Of course, I love lots of people (is that not what she meant?) and 2 places.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Obesity is rising sharply among U.S. preschoolers
An even bigger sign that there is something profoundly wrong with American culture and our attitude towards food:
DIET: Obesity is rising sharply among U.S. preschoolers
DIET: Obesity is rising sharply among U.S. preschoolers
One 1st person accout of the tsunamis in Thailand
Kirsti was my host in London. Mid is her husband. (Yes, she has given her permission for this to be posted here.)
Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 21:24:15 -0500
Hi There,
We're fine now but were on Ko Lanta, part of the area that was hit but thank God we were ok.
The tidal waves hit us but the worst one was 4m high which took out the whole beach and the restaurants and bars - devastating and there were a number of people that were hurt,particularly divers, but no-one died, unlike other places only just north of us.
I felt the earth quake early in the morning but it went on so long I dismissed the idea of it being an earthquake, even thought it was Mid shaking the bed at one point, then decided it was strong wind. Have been in 2 others but much smaller. Lots of p[eople said the same as me though, they dismissed earthquale becasue of length.
A couple of hours later coming off the beach to wake boys up, Tasha had left at 8, noticed small waves, well everybody did, because it was so unusual, no waves on that beach ever!!
But the waves were pushing the water further and futher up the beach and it just felt very wrong. People's responses were mostly to watch but some became concerned. One older Norwegian woman quietly gathered her children and grand children and hurried them back to their huts to leave.I ran back to Mid and said maybe it was nothing but 3/4 of the beach was gone and we should get the hell out of there just in case. ( We were due to leave that day anyway so thankfully our bags were packed).
He went to watch as did Harry, George (a boy after my own heart) went towards the back of the resort, and I frantically got our things together, in between hearing the unnatural roar of the water getting closer. I screamed at Mid to get Harry and come, several times, with the water coming further in adn just as they finally took note of my hysteria a huge 4m wave (not huge compared to what other people had to contend with but it felt VERY frightening) came crashing towards us.
It was like being in your own disaster movie, is the only way I can decscribe it. Your brain is running at 100miles an hour - what to do , just run, grab our stuff and run, when would another come, could it reach us?
Everybody was panicking now and going towards the road which is a good 300m from the sea. We hijacked a tour group on the resort bus with our bags and ourselves and went with them up on to a hill where we stayed for about 19 hours, sleeping under the stars with 500 other nervous tourists and locals and thousands of mosquitoes, until the all clear came, well actually no all clear ever came but when we awoke in the morning there had been no more waves, although we were aware of the devastation, and estimated numbers of people that had been killed. We grabbed our stuff headed to the port and got on the ferry that required as little time on the water as possible to get to the mainland. We travelled all day and,
We are now on Ko Pha Ngan in the Gulf Of Thailand where we came to meet Tasha and Simon, safe, unless we are very unlucky and something else happens on this side.
I know how lucky we were, keep seeing hearing such terrible stories, but it still feels very stressful, mainly I think because of all that COULD have happened, and, of course, more information feeds that. I know those thoughts will recede over the next couple of days but sleep is proving difficult!!!
Boys were fine, George was the most distressed, Harry was a tower of strength and mine of earthquake asnd tsunami information. Mid was also quite calm, even when he realised the seriousness of it all with my harridan shouting. I can't ever remmeber being as scared in my life. Even up on the hill where you rationally know you are safe, your imagination runs wild.
I had just spent a few hours over the previous 2 days sending Merry Christmas e-mails and telling everyone exactly where we were and how lovely it was so I called Mum early in the morning your time to warn her what had happened that we were fine but that she would probably get a deluge of phone calls because unusually everyone knew where we were!! She did, but also she kept watching 24 Hour News so that we would know up to date info becasue there was so much info around but we weren't sure how much we could rely on it.
Anyway, this is the first time I've been near a computer and yours was the first e-mail so you have now recieved a longer repsonse than I had planned, but I think in some ways it has been good for me, hope it hasn't been TOO much info.
Eveyone from home has been so supportive with messages, and yes it really does make a difference in that situation even though there isn't really anything anyone can do.
Hopefully now we can get on with the rest of our holiday without any more upset. A lot of relaxing on the beach or by the pool is doctors orders for me...
Speak to you soon, and Happy New Year!!
Love Kirsty xx
Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 21:24:15 -0500
Hi There,
We're fine now but were on Ko Lanta, part of the area that was hit but thank God we were ok.
The tidal waves hit us but the worst one was 4m high which took out the whole beach and the restaurants and bars - devastating and there were a number of people that were hurt,particularly divers, but no-one died, unlike other places only just north of us.
I felt the earth quake early in the morning but it went on so long I dismissed the idea of it being an earthquake, even thought it was Mid shaking the bed at one point, then decided it was strong wind. Have been in 2 others but much smaller. Lots of p[eople said the same as me though, they dismissed earthquale becasue of length.
A couple of hours later coming off the beach to wake boys up, Tasha had left at 8, noticed small waves, well everybody did, because it was so unusual, no waves on that beach ever!!
But the waves were pushing the water further and futher up the beach and it just felt very wrong. People's responses were mostly to watch but some became concerned. One older Norwegian woman quietly gathered her children and grand children and hurried them back to their huts to leave.I ran back to Mid and said maybe it was nothing but 3/4 of the beach was gone and we should get the hell out of there just in case. ( We were due to leave that day anyway so thankfully our bags were packed).
He went to watch as did Harry, George (a boy after my own heart) went towards the back of the resort, and I frantically got our things together, in between hearing the unnatural roar of the water getting closer. I screamed at Mid to get Harry and come, several times, with the water coming further in adn just as they finally took note of my hysteria a huge 4m wave (not huge compared to what other people had to contend with but it felt VERY frightening) came crashing towards us.
It was like being in your own disaster movie, is the only way I can decscribe it. Your brain is running at 100miles an hour - what to do , just run, grab our stuff and run, when would another come, could it reach us?
Everybody was panicking now and going towards the road which is a good 300m from the sea. We hijacked a tour group on the resort bus with our bags and ourselves and went with them up on to a hill where we stayed for about 19 hours, sleeping under the stars with 500 other nervous tourists and locals and thousands of mosquitoes, until the all clear came, well actually no all clear ever came but when we awoke in the morning there had been no more waves, although we were aware of the devastation, and estimated numbers of people that had been killed. We grabbed our stuff headed to the port and got on the ferry that required as little time on the water as possible to get to the mainland. We travelled all day and,
We are now on Ko Pha Ngan in the Gulf Of Thailand where we came to meet Tasha and Simon, safe, unless we are very unlucky and something else happens on this side.
I know how lucky we were, keep seeing hearing such terrible stories, but it still feels very stressful, mainly I think because of all that COULD have happened, and, of course, more information feeds that. I know those thoughts will recede over the next couple of days but sleep is proving difficult!!!
Boys were fine, George was the most distressed, Harry was a tower of strength and mine of earthquake asnd tsunami information. Mid was also quite calm, even when he realised the seriousness of it all with my harridan shouting. I can't ever remmeber being as scared in my life. Even up on the hill where you rationally know you are safe, your imagination runs wild.
I had just spent a few hours over the previous 2 days sending Merry Christmas e-mails and telling everyone exactly where we were and how lovely it was so I called Mum early in the morning your time to warn her what had happened that we were fine but that she would probably get a deluge of phone calls because unusually everyone knew where we were!! She did, but also she kept watching 24 Hour News so that we would know up to date info becasue there was so much info around but we weren't sure how much we could rely on it.
Anyway, this is the first time I've been near a computer and yours was the first e-mail so you have now recieved a longer repsonse than I had planned, but I think in some ways it has been good for me, hope it hasn't been TOO much info.
Eveyone from home has been so supportive with messages, and yes it really does make a difference in that situation even though there isn't really anything anyone can do.
Hopefully now we can get on with the rest of our holiday without any more upset. A lot of relaxing on the beach or by the pool is doctors orders for me...
Speak to you soon, and Happy New Year!!
Love Kirsty xx
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
The Stepford Wives
It's pouring rain so hard I think I should build an ark, and well, I wanted to rent the first tape of the second half of the sixth season of Sex and the City, but they were all out. So, I rented The Stepford Wives instead (I was also considering The Terminal -- I chose wrong). And I have a few questions:
1) Why would all these powerful women work for major corporations rather than their own companies? I find it a strange coincidence that corporations are running American and this film is about women who sold out to powerful positions within those corporations. Can we come up with a better idea of a powerful woman?
2) Why on earth would it be strange for a powerful woman to be having fabulous sex with her husband in the middle of the afternoon? This event is presented as if it is some freak of nature. I pity the fools who wrote this screenplay.
3) Why did Nicole Kidman go blond at the end? Is it intended as some kind of compromise between being a powerful ball-busting chyck and being a good wife and mother? Freaky!
4) Interesting that in the end the plot to computerize wives is conceived by a woman. Of course it is the stereotype and my personal experience that powerful women, esp of the older generation, are much more critical of their female employees than their male employees. Did the writers know this? What generation are they?
Overall, the film is another example of anti-post-feminist ideology pervading the popular consciousness. I am appalled that this sort of story could be made in the contemporary American mainstream.
1) Why would all these powerful women work for major corporations rather than their own companies? I find it a strange coincidence that corporations are running American and this film is about women who sold out to powerful positions within those corporations. Can we come up with a better idea of a powerful woman?
2) Why on earth would it be strange for a powerful woman to be having fabulous sex with her husband in the middle of the afternoon? This event is presented as if it is some freak of nature. I pity the fools who wrote this screenplay.
3) Why did Nicole Kidman go blond at the end? Is it intended as some kind of compromise between being a powerful ball-busting chyck and being a good wife and mother? Freaky!
4) Interesting that in the end the plot to computerize wives is conceived by a woman. Of course it is the stereotype and my personal experience that powerful women, esp of the older generation, are much more critical of their female employees than their male employees. Did the writers know this? What generation are they?
Overall, the film is another example of anti-post-feminist ideology pervading the popular consciousness. I am appalled that this sort of story could be made in the contemporary American mainstream.
French
I just took the French language placement test for our local community college and tested out of class (ie, I am beyond the level of people with 4 or more years of class). You might think this sounds like a good thing, but if you have ever tried to speak French with me, you would know that I don't actually speak the language. I consider this the worst of all possible outcomes.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
a couple other small matters....
Pouring rain in SF is better than no rain in Paris. Before the rain I was freckling right up from all that California sun.
However, the croissant at Tartine, my local organic French-style bakery, is not good enough. Everyone I know here is trying some strange diet: no wheat, no sugar, no this, no that. What I wish they would understand is that the problem is not what you include in your diet or not, it is the entire culture's attitude towards food. It's the corporatization of food, eating, diet. it's in the radio waves or something. It's capitalism.
However, the croissant at Tartine, my local organic French-style bakery, is not good enough. Everyone I know here is trying some strange diet: no wheat, no sugar, no this, no that. What I wish they would understand is that the problem is not what you include in your diet or not, it is the entire culture's attitude towards food. It's the corporatization of food, eating, diet. it's in the radio waves or something. It's capitalism.
democracy
I love this quote from Suzahna’s blog (http://sliceoforange.blogspot.com/)
"Thus the question can be posed as the following bottom line: is democracy possible at all? Thus if you try to distill this problem to its most profound essence: is it possible to break this vicious circle? Is it possible to save a 'cursed land?' Is the embodiment of human expectations possible? Is the victory of good over evil possible?” -Yuri Andrukhovych, Ukrainian poet, prose writer, essayist, Delivered to the European Parliament, Strasbourg, France, December 15, 2004
in part because I do not think democracy is possible at a national scale. See Robert Putnam (_Making Democracy Work_, etc.)
"Thus the question can be posed as the following bottom line: is democracy possible at all? Thus if you try to distill this problem to its most profound essence: is it possible to break this vicious circle? Is it possible to save a 'cursed land?' Is the embodiment of human expectations possible? Is the victory of good over evil possible?” -Yuri Andrukhovych, Ukrainian poet, prose writer, essayist, Delivered to the European Parliament, Strasbourg, France, December 15, 2004
in part because I do not think democracy is possible at a national scale. See Robert Putnam (_Making Democracy Work_, etc.)
Author and activist Susan Sontag dies
What the article does not say is that Susan Sontag is survived by her partner Annie Lebowitz and their child. I am going to look for a less "pasturized" article.
USATODAY.com - Author and activist Susan Sontag dies
USATODAY.com - Author and activist Susan Sontag dies
Monday, December 27, 2004
Office space, footwear, and crepes
I met Tam tonight at the NN office, and said hello to KevO, Jeff, Patrick, and a lovely new employee whose name I have temporarily forgotten. The new space is very nice if a bit cramped for the entry- and mid-level staff.
There were several items on our agenda for the evening. One was footwear: I sought flat boots like are sold in every shop in Paris. Well, you can't get them here, or at least not for less than $600. And I thought SF was a world class city. All the bread, wine, cheese, pastry and gorgeous produce in the world does not make up for a lack of footwear selection.
We walked across town to Ti Couz for crepes. I wanted desert and Tam wanted dinner. We ended up splitting the whole thing. I can not report without reservation that crepes are more reasonably priced in Paris.
Over the meal (which was excellent!) we began to work on our New Year's resolutions (forthcoming)....
There were several items on our agenda for the evening. One was footwear: I sought flat boots like are sold in every shop in Paris. Well, you can't get them here, or at least not for less than $600. And I thought SF was a world class city. All the bread, wine, cheese, pastry and gorgeous produce in the world does not make up for a lack of footwear selection.
We walked across town to Ti Couz for crepes. I wanted desert and Tam wanted dinner. We ended up splitting the whole thing. I can not report without reservation that crepes are more reasonably priced in Paris.
Over the meal (which was excellent!) we began to work on our New Year's resolutions (forthcoming)....
Sunday, December 26, 2004
The day after christmas
I’ve been home for 10 days and this is the second day of bad weather. It actually isn’t that bad. The sky is letting down a light sprinkle, and the cloud cover is high so that my view of the Bay Bridge is a black silhouette against white clouds. There’s a Victorian in the view with a tower and everything. Before I left, it was run down and gray. Now it is painting bright white nearly glowing against the horizon. Another possible indication that my fate is changing. Or maybe it is just the economy.
Today’s top news stories, the earthquake and tsunamis in South East Asian and the election in Ukraine, are a strange coincidence with my life. I have spent most of the day researching the impact of the quake on friends in Thailand to make sure they are safe, and it appears that they are. Of course, I figured this out only after worrying myself sick.
E says that the lesson here night be to keep your eyes on the horizon – not get too caught up in the details of your personal life at the expense of events of international (universal?) importance. I disagree. I think matters of the heart are universal, and it is not so strange to for them to be frame by, or for them to frame, international (or universal) events. It’s hard to be human on earth – and being oneself is a huge responsibility. And that’s not even getting into the “think globally act locally” issues…. The personal is political!
My Christmas was nice and calm. There were not major conflicts (touch wood). The food was excellent, the lights and decorations pretty. We didn’t get to see the children, but that means quiet conversation (there is always a positive angle on a thing…). Today has been quiet. In fact, I have not yet left my apartment. I am considering going back to bed. I am boiling the turkey carcass for the second time – none of us will get sick this month!
That’s my story and I am sticking to it.
Today’s top news stories, the earthquake and tsunamis in South East Asian and the election in Ukraine, are a strange coincidence with my life. I have spent most of the day researching the impact of the quake on friends in Thailand to make sure they are safe, and it appears that they are. Of course, I figured this out only after worrying myself sick.
E says that the lesson here night be to keep your eyes on the horizon – not get too caught up in the details of your personal life at the expense of events of international (universal?) importance. I disagree. I think matters of the heart are universal, and it is not so strange to for them to be frame by, or for them to frame, international (or universal) events. It’s hard to be human on earth – and being oneself is a huge responsibility. And that’s not even getting into the “think globally act locally” issues…. The personal is political!
My Christmas was nice and calm. There were not major conflicts (touch wood). The food was excellent, the lights and decorations pretty. We didn’t get to see the children, but that means quiet conversation (there is always a positive angle on a thing…). Today has been quiet. In fact, I have not yet left my apartment. I am considering going back to bed. I am boiling the turkey carcass for the second time – none of us will get sick this month!
That’s my story and I am sticking to it.
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Song lyrics that make me cry
If you know me at all, you know that I am very sentimental. Some of my friends take Prozac to stop crying all that time. I am not ready to take that kind of action; instead I’d really like to figure out how to make myself happy so that I don’t cry so much. But then, I don’t even take aspirin, opting instead of a large glass of water and a quiet room.
Driving back across the Bay Bridge tonight after the Christmas party at what we are now calling “Grandpa Lizzy’s” (the house Elizabeth just inherited from her father), watching the Oakland Port cranes lit up in red, white and blue and the lights of the city’s buildings large and small, Elizabeth played for me a country song called “No fear”, which, of course, brought tears to my eyes. Let me see if I can find the lyrics online…. In the meantime, here are a few other song lyrics I want to share with you.
My friend Megan McLaughlin wrote the following song about of breakup of mine….
So Long
I’m packing everything into boxes
And putting the rest into the van
I’m going anywhere that’s far from you
I’m going to drive there as fast as I can
I hope I find someone to love me
Someone who wants me to the core
Someone to hold me like a warm wind
Rushing through the night and then to want me more
Because the love that you gave me was never enough
Never felt like it was free
And if I hold out for what I want instead of settling for less
Maybe I’ll find out what love’s supposed to be
Love comes so easy to some people
But in life there are no guarantees
It could that this on and off love that you give me is the
Closest love will ever come to me
So keep the couch and keep the toaster
Say goodbye and stop asking why
I hope you open up your heart someday
Even as you still deny
For so long now I’ve been closing up my eyes
For so long but now I finally realize
That the love that you gave me was never enough
Never felt like it was free
And if I hold out for what I want
Instead of settling for less
Maybe I’ll find out what love supposed to be
***
I like to imagine that Dar Williams is a friend, and sometimes I think that her songs are mocking me. Her song “The one who knows” also always makes me cry, though it appears to be about loving a child, I think of it as the kind of love I began seeking in the previous song. In the sense that I am not a gifted songwriter or famous or with the love of my life, Dar and I are very different, but I imagine she has some kind of secret knowledge of my soul. (Juliette would call that charm. I still believe it’s possible for 2 people to have a special and unique understanding of each other outside of their individual attractiveness pulling them together.)
Time it was I had a dream, and you’re the dream come true. If I had the world to give, I’d give it all to you. I’ll take you to the mountains, I will take you to the sea. I’ll show you how this life became a miracle to me.
You’ll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes, when my job’s done you’ll be the one who knows.
All the things you treasure most will be the hardest won.
I will watch you struggle long before the answers come.
But I won’t make it harder, I’ll be there to cheer you on,
I’ll shine the light that guides you down the road you’re walking on.
You’ll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes, when my jobs done you’ll be the one who knows.
Before the mountains call to you, before you leave this home.
I want to teach your heart to trust, as I will teach my own,
But sometimes I will ask the moon where it shined upon you last,
And shake my head and laugh and say it all went by so fast
You’ll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So, when they ask how far loves goes, when my job’s done you’ll be the one who knows.
***
No Fear
(Terri Clark/Mary Chapin Carpenter)
I want a road stretching out before me
I want a radio in my ear
I want a full tank of absolution
No fear
I want a rainstorm to pull me over
Then a sky that begins to clear
Towards the truest of destinations
No fear
I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I'd find
No fear
I want the world to just keep on turning
I want the dawn in my rear view mirror
I want to hear my own voice singing
No fear
And when I need two arms around me
And theres no one near
When I'm alone let the only sound be
No fear
I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I'd find
No fear
I want peace, Love and Understanding
A stogie and an ice-cold beer
Don't want to live afraid of dying
I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I used to stay up all night long
Wondering what I was doing wrong
All I ever needed was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I'd find
No fear
Driving back across the Bay Bridge tonight after the Christmas party at what we are now calling “Grandpa Lizzy’s” (the house Elizabeth just inherited from her father), watching the Oakland Port cranes lit up in red, white and blue and the lights of the city’s buildings large and small, Elizabeth played for me a country song called “No fear”, which, of course, brought tears to my eyes. Let me see if I can find the lyrics online…. In the meantime, here are a few other song lyrics I want to share with you.
My friend Megan McLaughlin wrote the following song about of breakup of mine….
So Long
I’m packing everything into boxes
And putting the rest into the van
I’m going anywhere that’s far from you
I’m going to drive there as fast as I can
I hope I find someone to love me
Someone who wants me to the core
Someone to hold me like a warm wind
Rushing through the night and then to want me more
Because the love that you gave me was never enough
Never felt like it was free
And if I hold out for what I want instead of settling for less
Maybe I’ll find out what love’s supposed to be
Love comes so easy to some people
But in life there are no guarantees
It could that this on and off love that you give me is the
Closest love will ever come to me
So keep the couch and keep the toaster
Say goodbye and stop asking why
I hope you open up your heart someday
Even as you still deny
For so long now I’ve been closing up my eyes
For so long but now I finally realize
That the love that you gave me was never enough
Never felt like it was free
And if I hold out for what I want
Instead of settling for less
Maybe I’ll find out what love supposed to be
***
I like to imagine that Dar Williams is a friend, and sometimes I think that her songs are mocking me. Her song “The one who knows” also always makes me cry, though it appears to be about loving a child, I think of it as the kind of love I began seeking in the previous song. In the sense that I am not a gifted songwriter or famous or with the love of my life, Dar and I are very different, but I imagine she has some kind of secret knowledge of my soul. (Juliette would call that charm. I still believe it’s possible for 2 people to have a special and unique understanding of each other outside of their individual attractiveness pulling them together.)
Time it was I had a dream, and you’re the dream come true. If I had the world to give, I’d give it all to you. I’ll take you to the mountains, I will take you to the sea. I’ll show you how this life became a miracle to me.
You’ll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes, when my job’s done you’ll be the one who knows.
All the things you treasure most will be the hardest won.
I will watch you struggle long before the answers come.
But I won’t make it harder, I’ll be there to cheer you on,
I’ll shine the light that guides you down the road you’re walking on.
You’ll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes, when my jobs done you’ll be the one who knows.
Before the mountains call to you, before you leave this home.
I want to teach your heart to trust, as I will teach my own,
But sometimes I will ask the moon where it shined upon you last,
And shake my head and laugh and say it all went by so fast
You’ll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So, when they ask how far loves goes, when my job’s done you’ll be the one who knows.
***
No Fear
(Terri Clark/Mary Chapin Carpenter)
I want a road stretching out before me
I want a radio in my ear
I want a full tank of absolution
No fear
I want a rainstorm to pull me over
Then a sky that begins to clear
Towards the truest of destinations
No fear
I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I'd find
No fear
I want the world to just keep on turning
I want the dawn in my rear view mirror
I want to hear my own voice singing
No fear
And when I need two arms around me
And theres no one near
When I'm alone let the only sound be
No fear
I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I'd find
No fear
I want peace, Love and Understanding
A stogie and an ice-cold beer
Don't want to live afraid of dying
I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I used to stay up all night long
Wondering what I was doing wrong
All I ever needed was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I'd find
No fear
Peace on earth
So far, I have received for xmas 2 books I am excited to read and a pair of organic cotton socks that say “peace on earth”. Affirmation does have power, even if just written on your ankles.
Marilynn had handouts at her xmas eve party last night. A quiz on intuition (I came out as moderately intuitive, or not trusting my intuition, probably because I don’t communicate telepathically with animals), an article about love (which I will be quoting from in a moment), and a Rilke poem.
The love article, by Dennis Overbye, posits that the most powerful force in the universe is love, greater than gravity or jealousy or anything you name. For the most part, he seems, again, to be talking about the enormous love a parent has for his children, but since I am struggling with the idea of partnership, my quotes are about that. “But tell me,” he writes, “you’ve never been taken in by a smile. Human love, biochemists say, is a sort of oxytocin drunk, an addiction to the hormones our partners, real or desired, release in us.” [YES YES YES]
Later he quotes another “Or as the refrain to Albert Einstein Dreams by Naked to the World put it
“Just because I’m Albert Einstein doesn’t mean I understand
“The ever-expanding universe between a woman and a man [OR WHATEVER]
“If I knew, or had half a clue, I’d be much more famous than I am”
On a slightly different note, Jane and Calla read about how the first communication with a newborn can be sticking out your tongue. The baby responds by sticking out its tongue. They did this with their newborn Lulu. After a short time, it became her first language – she stuck her tongue out at people, trees, dogs. I believe that this tongue sticking out is a kind of Namaste – “the spirit in me blesses the spirit in you.”
Marilynn had handouts at her xmas eve party last night. A quiz on intuition (I came out as moderately intuitive, or not trusting my intuition, probably because I don’t communicate telepathically with animals), an article about love (which I will be quoting from in a moment), and a Rilke poem.
The love article, by Dennis Overbye, posits that the most powerful force in the universe is love, greater than gravity or jealousy or anything you name. For the most part, he seems, again, to be talking about the enormous love a parent has for his children, but since I am struggling with the idea of partnership, my quotes are about that. “But tell me,” he writes, “you’ve never been taken in by a smile. Human love, biochemists say, is a sort of oxytocin drunk, an addiction to the hormones our partners, real or desired, release in us.” [YES YES YES]
Later he quotes another “Or as the refrain to Albert Einstein Dreams by Naked to the World put it
“Just because I’m Albert Einstein doesn’t mean I understand
“The ever-expanding universe between a woman and a man [OR WHATEVER]
“If I knew, or had half a clue, I’d be much more famous than I am”
On a slightly different note, Jane and Calla read about how the first communication with a newborn can be sticking out your tongue. The baby responds by sticking out its tongue. They did this with their newborn Lulu. After a short time, it became her first language – she stuck her tongue out at people, trees, dogs. I believe that this tongue sticking out is a kind of Namaste – “the spirit in me blesses the spirit in you.”
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Christmas preparations
I just want to inform everyone of a few interesting facts:
1) I just burned 3 batches of cookies in a row.
2) I found gifts for nearly everyone in my house.
This means two very important things:
1) Nothing has changed.
2) I have too much stuff (still!!!).
Merry Christmas.
1) I just burned 3 batches of cookies in a row.
2) I found gifts for nearly everyone in my house.
This means two very important things:
1) Nothing has changed.
2) I have too much stuff (still!!!).
Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
On sharing your life....
My French language discussion group seems to be coming together. I have also managed to see many of my friends, and this has meant that I have had to eat 3 meals a day. I am so happy to see my friends again. And I am starting to understand why Americans are fat. Not only do we eat much more than the French (larger servings, as far as I can remember French serving sizes in general and greater frequency), but I find myself thinking about food a lot even when I am not hungry. It is as if there are radio waves in the air, like a dog whistle that you can’t hear, putting thoughts of food into our heads at all times.
About 2 months ago, Elizabeth’s father died after a long struggle with cancer. She asked him not to die on her birthday, but he was very weak that day, and passed shortly after midnight, the day after her birthday. Her parents never married. They had an affair after one of Larry’s students, who Wendy was dating, “gave” her to him for a passing grade in the class. (This is probably not actually true, but it is a family joke. Probably she just liked Larry better and Larry felt sorry for the guy bc he stole his girlfriend. The guy, incidentally, was the brother of another of my mother’s best friends.) However, Larry and Wendy shared the rest of their lives as parents of Elizabeth, my oldest friend.
Wendy was sitting at Larry’s bedside the moment he died. She watched him go. Now, if that isn’t sharing a person’s life then I don’t know what is. All of us, I imagine, wish to grow old and die with someone we love. But, maybe, it doesn’t have to look like anything in particular or have any certain label. As Elizabeth said to me yesterday, maybe in order to share your life with someone, you stay with them.
This issue is touched upon in some of the popular television programs that Elizabeth and I love. In Friends, Ross always wanted a traditional wife and family but finds himself with 2 children with 2 different women he deeply loves, neither of whom can be his “wife” (later he and Rachel decide to be a couple, but on a political level, I found this profoundly disappointing, although we all knew all along that they were each other’s lobsters). In Sex and the City, Miranda and Steve have exactly the same experience.
True partnership is sharing your life with a person, regardless of whom you sleep or eat or bath with. Sometimes, in these cases anyway, this occurs because a baby is made but it can also be based solely on commitment to being with people. Thinking about this, talking about it, I feel like a real turkey running off to Europe for half the year. I find it frustrating that the only ones that most people commit to are the person they sleep with and their children. But h*&l, my parents don’t even do that.
When you choose your life partner, you have to agree on some basic principals. Will you move away for work? Do you have to stay close to your aging parents? Your friends? Where will you live? What language will you speak at home? Who will do the laundry? Will you have a cat or a dog or a fish? Will you have children? What time will you go to bed? (And I am not even getting into sexual issues, which can be huge.) Some of these things you may feel really strongly about (I cannot live with a cat, unless he is genetically modified to be hypoallergenic, or, for that matter, a carpet) and some you may not care about at all. You might not even know how strongly you feel about going to bed at 10 every night until you try to live with someone who likes to stay up until 1. It seems like such a small matter. But just because you can’t agree doesn’t mean you don’t love each other and want to share some kind of life.
I am very happy for all my friends who have found a common ground and are getting married and having babies right and left (or, really just left in their case, but lots of them anyway), and I do feel a bit left behind. But I am sorry – I reject any conservative ideas of relationships. I love you, and I want to be near you. (Slight caveat, I might still run away for half the year on a regular basis).
About 2 months ago, Elizabeth’s father died after a long struggle with cancer. She asked him not to die on her birthday, but he was very weak that day, and passed shortly after midnight, the day after her birthday. Her parents never married. They had an affair after one of Larry’s students, who Wendy was dating, “gave” her to him for a passing grade in the class. (This is probably not actually true, but it is a family joke. Probably she just liked Larry better and Larry felt sorry for the guy bc he stole his girlfriend. The guy, incidentally, was the brother of another of my mother’s best friends.) However, Larry and Wendy shared the rest of their lives as parents of Elizabeth, my oldest friend.
Wendy was sitting at Larry’s bedside the moment he died. She watched him go. Now, if that isn’t sharing a person’s life then I don’t know what is. All of us, I imagine, wish to grow old and die with someone we love. But, maybe, it doesn’t have to look like anything in particular or have any certain label. As Elizabeth said to me yesterday, maybe in order to share your life with someone, you stay with them.
This issue is touched upon in some of the popular television programs that Elizabeth and I love. In Friends, Ross always wanted a traditional wife and family but finds himself with 2 children with 2 different women he deeply loves, neither of whom can be his “wife” (later he and Rachel decide to be a couple, but on a political level, I found this profoundly disappointing, although we all knew all along that they were each other’s lobsters). In Sex and the City, Miranda and Steve have exactly the same experience.
True partnership is sharing your life with a person, regardless of whom you sleep or eat or bath with. Sometimes, in these cases anyway, this occurs because a baby is made but it can also be based solely on commitment to being with people. Thinking about this, talking about it, I feel like a real turkey running off to Europe for half the year. I find it frustrating that the only ones that most people commit to are the person they sleep with and their children. But h*&l, my parents don’t even do that.
When you choose your life partner, you have to agree on some basic principals. Will you move away for work? Do you have to stay close to your aging parents? Your friends? Where will you live? What language will you speak at home? Who will do the laundry? Will you have a cat or a dog or a fish? Will you have children? What time will you go to bed? (And I am not even getting into sexual issues, which can be huge.) Some of these things you may feel really strongly about (I cannot live with a cat, unless he is genetically modified to be hypoallergenic, or, for that matter, a carpet) and some you may not care about at all. You might not even know how strongly you feel about going to bed at 10 every night until you try to live with someone who likes to stay up until 1. It seems like such a small matter. But just because you can’t agree doesn’t mean you don’t love each other and want to share some kind of life.
I am very happy for all my friends who have found a common ground and are getting married and having babies right and left (or, really just left in their case, but lots of them anyway), and I do feel a bit left behind. But I am sorry – I reject any conservative ideas of relationships. I love you, and I want to be near you. (Slight caveat, I might still run away for half the year on a regular basis).
Saturday, December 18, 2004
[Next steps] I've grown accustomed to your face
I am in the habit of blogging. I like it. So, I plan to continue. Over the next few months, I won't be anywhere exciting or international, but I think I might keep yammering on about whatever I feel like. As before, you are under no obligation to read it. But, this blog will remain in use.
What Was Today. (Julien Poirier)
I got up with morning at 7 (which has almost never happened) having finally slept a full 8 hours and began reading over my soy hot chocolate. I read the book that my high school sweetheart self-published in 1988. It was my Christmas present, although I am sure he gave me lots of other things that year too. His writing style is almost the antithesis of mine, if that’s possible in the same language from individuals from identical cultural backgrounds, and I don’t think I got it back in 1988 or '89 or '90…. I had remembered phrases “poured a three-piece trashed denim on” and “I don’t know you little boy, gun to head” and “Tim, we’ll talk together” (Tim is the young man I almost left Julien for shortly before he completed the book) and lots of talk of the swirling of smoke. And I remember the phrases I uttered at one point or another that, with my permission, he took possession of, and now they title the book “what was today” and begin the stories “I can hear a telephone ringing forever again”. The book made me proud, but its contents that I loved best were the “For Lilia” (at the very beginning) and the photo of me in front of the shutters in Rome on page 49. He has written in pen under the front cover “something to say that will make you, in twenty years, think back to me, or in twenty years, turn to me and kiss me….” I remember all that, and strangely, reading the book this morning, 16 years later, I might finally get it.
Friday, December 17, 2004
Getting back into the swing of it....
I finally slept (just 7 hours though) and woke up not knowing where I was. This happened to me a few times in Paris, but it is a bit disconcerting in your own apartment.
I decided that if I am going to single I have to be totally gorgeous, so first thing yesterday I had my eyebrows done. (It cracked Alison up that that was the first thing I wanted to do upon arriving home.) Maybe related or maybe not, probably not, but a woman at the party last night said she thought maybe I was eastern European based on my “accent”. Strange. At the party, a few of us got excited about starting a French conversation group. So, I might have already made some new friends. Overall, I found the party a bit intimidating – everyone was so creative! For example, the hostess left a trail of origami cranes in the building hallway to help us find the right apartment.
Yesterday was devoted primarily to getting to know Nico, Laura’s new baby, who is unbelievably beautiful. When he was first born, he looked exactly like Laura (I saw from the pictures). Now, I believe he looks like me with wide, saucer brown eyes and a skinny little neck. Since Laura and I have been friends since kindergarten, there has been plenty of time for her to collect my genetic materials making it possible for her baby to look like me.
My apartment has started to smell better, although I haven’t cleaned it or anything.
I decided that if I am going to single I have to be totally gorgeous, so first thing yesterday I had my eyebrows done. (It cracked Alison up that that was the first thing I wanted to do upon arriving home.) Maybe related or maybe not, probably not, but a woman at the party last night said she thought maybe I was eastern European based on my “accent”. Strange. At the party, a few of us got excited about starting a French conversation group. So, I might have already made some new friends. Overall, I found the party a bit intimidating – everyone was so creative! For example, the hostess left a trail of origami cranes in the building hallway to help us find the right apartment.
Yesterday was devoted primarily to getting to know Nico, Laura’s new baby, who is unbelievably beautiful. When he was first born, he looked exactly like Laura (I saw from the pictures). Now, I believe he looks like me with wide, saucer brown eyes and a skinny little neck. Since Laura and I have been friends since kindergarten, there has been plenty of time for her to collect my genetic materials making it possible for her baby to look like me.
My apartment has started to smell better, although I haven’t cleaned it or anything.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
On losing
"One Art"
by Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
So many things seem filled with the intent
To be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
Of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster
Places, and names, and where it was you meant
To travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look, my last, or
Next to last, of three houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And vaster,
Some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It’s evident
The art of losing’s not too hard to master
Though it may look like (write it!) like disaster!
*****
Lost (since July 17, 2004):
-10 pounds
-2 boyfriends
-one black sock
-several nights' sleep
-my desire to live my earlier life
by Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
So many things seem filled with the intent
To be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
Of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster
Places, and names, and where it was you meant
To travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look, my last, or
Next to last, of three houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And vaster,
Some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It’s evident
The art of losing’s not too hard to master
Though it may look like (write it!) like disaster!
*****
Lost (since July 17, 2004):
-10 pounds
-2 boyfriends
-one black sock
-several nights' sleep
-my desire to live my earlier life
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