What every ____ should ____

I’ve been wondering why we have a list of things women should have and do and not men. Who *would* have a list like that?
What every artist should have tried or mastered (paint, charcoal, etchings, sculpture...) What every artist should have seen in person (the Mona Lisa or whatever)
What every writer should have read and be able to emulate
What every person should have figured out before they reproduce
What every musician should know/have heard
What every poet should be able to recite
…Accountant…
…Lawyer…
…Teacher…
…Architect …
…

But the idea of having a list for men seems rather odd. Is this because the delicate nature of the woman is like the artist, is a skill? Is that because women are an “other” a “minority” despite representing more than half the population? I believe it’s because we have higher standards for women. Women must have better social skills? Women must have better personal hygiene? Women must prove their competence at work?

Maybe “must” is too strong of a word. But I think as a society we are more forgiving of men. I have observed some truth to the old adage (I don’t remember how it goes, but the gist is) “a woman has to be twice as good to have half the reputation of a man” and half the battle is confidence….

We look for wisdom in every crack and shadow. Another favorite quote from a boy I was dating during a fight: “there are a lot of ways to be wrong.” I don’t really think every woman should have a black lace bra. I don’t have one, and I didn’t consider it worth mentioning.

The converse of that is that you can find truth in nearly everything of you squint your eyes in just the right way. For example, maybe every woman doesn’t need a black lace bra, but every woman should own her own sexiness, should know how to make herself feel sexy, and should have the equipment on hand. It might be a bra, her favorite song, a certain kind of light, or something she does with her hair.

There are a lot of things we all should be: sexy, competent, self-sufficient…. I mean, I know what I want to be, and I know what I want the people close to me to be. What I don’t want is someone else telling what I can or should be even in a constructive or loving way. If I’m doing something that doesn’t work for you, why not look at what need of yours isn’t being met by my action? After all, other people don’t change. Each of us can only control ourselves.

So, I feel a little embarrassed having prescribed what every woman should have and know. I mean, I didn’t write it, but I posted it. I only know what I want to have and know, and by extension, what I imagine other women like me want to have and know. But I really hope that by posting that I’m not giving everyone else permission to make sweeping generalizations about how women ought to be or something like that. Because it’s exactly that kind of thinking that gives me a profound feeling of claustrophobia.

The part of that email that I keep quoting is the first line: “...one old love she can imagine going back to...And one who reminds her how far she has come.” The reason for that is that I hear a lot of women expressing confusion about this issue, and I don’t hear a lot of “wisdom” going around recognizing that past relationships do involve regrets, that some things are never completely resolved for us emotionally, and that living with questions is life.

My friend Gabe (who, incidentally, is really hard on me) recently invited me to a weekend retreat on giving your 100%. He was going, and he wanted some friends to come with him. I declined because I don’t believe I have a problem with “yes”. I have a problem with “no” and “maybe”, but I’m pretty good with giving my 100% when I encounter a “yes”. He agreed that it might not be the right workshop for me. Next time.