Getting Upset

This woman at the gallery started yelling at me for, what seemed to me to be, no reason. I asked her not to yell at me. I told her I understood her point of view, and I did, but this isn't the first time she's yelled at me like that, and I still didn't think she was right to do that the first time either. The first time I apologised and went home and cried because I'm not used to being yelled at and was feeling rather fragile. I wasn't feeling fragile today. I was feeling like she's psycho, and I needed to get away from her.

All this reminded me of something Gabriel recently told me about dealing with conflict. He suggested meeting every upset with a request. My request to her was that she not yell at me. I'm shocked that I actually did something right! But then, I think about other conflicts I've had over the last year (I don't have conflicts very often). Gabe suggested that I could have reacted to a recent "relationship" conflict I had by requesting that he "think about my feelings when he frames saying what he's needing," and perhaps that he could have framed it in a more positive way.

He hit on something there. If this woman had approached me with her concern from a more positive place, I would have had a much more positive reaction to her. When I had that conflict with that boy, I did react positively. I said OK. To which he became upset.

My friend Sultan was just telling me about a woman he knows who's spending tons of money on dating services, but clearly won't meet anyone because she spends too much energy protecting herself. I'm no perfect angel, and I make lots of mistakes. I always feel a little sheepish when I present a social concept that I feel like I finally understand, something I have had an "aha!" moment about.

Here are a few things I've figure out about resolving conflict:
* Approach the issue with an open mind about what the solution might be
* Make requests
* Freeze your anger/frustration/irritation/fear -- don't let it drive your reactions or the conversation
* Brainstorm with the other person about possible solutions -- neither one of you has the right to dictate what the solution should be; You need to figure it out together.
* Keep the goal in mind whether it's to get along, to love each other, or to stay in business and make money.

Wish me luck following them!