On fate unfolding

I just wrote this incredible blog, and then blogger lost it, so this is my second attempt and it may not be as good....

Date: Mon, 29 Nov 2004 10:30:13 -0800
To: Lilia
From: Elizabeth Stark
...Though, actually, I have come to believe that what other people *do* is really only my fate unfolding, the universe taking care of me, however you want to look at it....

This reminds me of a bookmark that Grayson's stepmother Emily once gave me that said something? "... is what you do with what's been done to you." I have a problem with the idea of anything being done TO me. Afterall, I am aware of the risks of every choice I make. So, I prefer Elizabeth's way of putting it. I met this guy recently who my friends told me never took any risks. He works for a large company, has a good job, never has a girlfriend, invests conservatively, and while he was a very nice person, I couldn't help feeling like there was a certain lack of life to him. We choose these risks for higher possible rewards and the risks themselves in turn give us life, color in our cheeks, spring in our steps... This was the place in the last installment where I said "remind me never to be cautious" but then I realized that I never am (never? usually not...).

When I was in highschool I believed completely in fate. I believe it so much that I could justify not doing my homework, or studying, or even showing up at school. It was only after I finished college that I realized if I am ever going to be content with myself, I am going to have to work hard and believe that I deserve what I want. So, I guess I don't really believe in fate anymore.

Another thing I believed was that by the time I was 24 I would finish by PhD and get married. The problem with that is that I never figured out what to get my PhD in or who to marry. I don't know exactly what "in love" means, but I think I've been there with both people who loved me too and people who didn't. Well, even when we found an emotional common ground, we still weren't compatable for other reasons. And I cried and rended my clothing in the freezing rain and after a while I ventured out again for more punishment, as it were. My mother likes to remind me that even if I had gotten married or my PhD, I am statistically likely to be divorced and/or working in another field by now.

Another of Elizabeth's quotes is "when you ask the universe for something, she has 3 possible answers: yes, not yet, or I have something better for you." I guess that's saying the same thing again. The quote about fate that resonates with me most is from Heraclitus "character is fate" because I can see so clearly how others divine their destiny. I just wish I had a better mirror and could see it for myself.

When I quit my job at UBH back in 1996, people didn't understand why. I told them, "I have to make something out of myself." This incredibly beautiful African woman wearing a brightly patterned traditional wrap replied by the copy machine "like a scarf or a hat? do you knit?" 8 years and another degree later, I feel like am still struggling with the same question, except this time it is a little different. I am not longer interested in making myself into something else; now I just want to figure out how to be who I am.