I find myself incredibly entertaining. When I think about asking a huge room with every eligible man I know in it, I find it hilarious to think about the resounding silence of a reply I would get. Maybe I would hear about how pretty I am, how smart, how conscientious, how sweet, what a good friend I am. Yeah, well, that’s just great guys. Show me the money.
I know what you’re going to say now: “but, Lilia, what about all those guys who want to date you and you’re not interested in?” No joke, I don’t believe they want to be my boyfriend either. They’re just interested because I’m so pretty and smart and conscientious and sweet and a good friend (or whatever fraction of those characteristics they know about me). They wouldn’t want to be my boyfriend either. But that’s a moot point.
Let’s get real for a minute. I wanted to be with Jared, and that made me profoundly miserable. I wanted to be with Grayson, and I was unhappy there too. Am I kidding myself to think that partnership is an option for me? Maybe I’m doing everyone a favor by staying single. Why put people I love thru that?
I’m a really nice person. I spend my days trying to make everyone around me happy. It’s not the only thing I do, but it’s a big part of it. It’s a driving force. I don’t know about other people’s capacity to love, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m like fire, good to be near, but not good to be too close to and get burned.
I feel like some crazy puppy chasing its tail thru these crazy cycles time after time. We were talking about changing last night. My mother says that humans have an enormous capacity for change. It’s also common knowledge that you can’t expect people to change. At the end of each day, I spend my moments with myself going over every mistake I made or may have made. The next day, I make more mistakes. I’m tired of those thoughts, and I’m tired of wanting to be different than I am. Maybe the change I need to make in myself is to stop trying to make any change at all.
Jared seemed to want me to change but it was never really clear to me what that change was and when all these necessary changes would stop. Whether it was water on the sink, the way I closed doors, the way I noticed when he flirted with other women, that I want children… I could give up every single one of those qualities, and it would just be something else.
Every seven years, they say, all your cells have changed and you’re basically a completely different collections of elements. I could change every thing about myself when asked to, and not only would it never end, but I would still just be me, and we would still be unhappy together. What would happen if I stopped trying so hard? What would happen if I directed my efforts instead towards composing a beautiful life, towards creating, towards making art?
They say weaknesses are just over-developed strengths. I’ve also learned that a weakness in one setting can be a strength in another. Like that I am “too approachable” – it’s bad if I’m trying to sell myself as an authority figure, but what if I instead sell myself as an advocate for individuals? I help people find the best way to get to work. If they don’t feel like they can approach me with these mundane issues, I’m not going to be able to do my job.
So, you don’t want to be my boyfriend, isn’t it great that we know that? It makes me available when that guy who does want to be my boyfriend comes along. And if that never happens, it just leaves me a lot of time to do other things I enjoy.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Ponies
In the last 5 or so years, I believed I was completely in love, had found The One, at least twice. When I told one of these men about The next One (I think this had been The second One I’d told him about), he expressed surprise. I don’t remember what his words were, but the meaning was that some people only fall in love once in their lifetime and never get over it if they lose that love. How is it that I can fall in love 3 times with 3 different men over the same number of years?
He was right to wonder. I wonder. I’ve been walking around telling everyone I’m damaged. I’m broken. I don’t want to ride that pony any more. Meanwhile my own natural state of being snuck up on me again, and I appear to be beginning another relationship. (As I type this, I wonder if I’m jinxing it by saying anything.)
Earlier in this process, I expressed concern about this guy to my friends. “He does yoga,” I sneered. “He goes to Burning Man.” I don’t know why they didn’t understand why this would be a potential problem. (“You do yoga and go to Burning Man,” they replied looking very confused.) How is it that no one knows what I mean?
Along those lines, I have some dating stories that I’m just dying to tell you, but alas,
1) I would burn in hell if I did, and
2) I’d have to kill you.
I guess those go in the opposite order. But every time I think about this (a lot), I think about it in that order.
So, here I am broken and damaged and yet still completely acting like myself. “Where ever you go, there you are” should be “whatever damaging thing happens to you, there you are,” because here I am looking this pony in the face, and it’s a pretty cute pony. It has blue eyes and floppy hair, and it wears glasses. I like its voice. It clips articles from the New Yorker for me.
I wanted to talk about natural sweetness (in humans, not in cookies), and maybe even about kissing, but I think I’m done for the night.
He was right to wonder. I wonder. I’ve been walking around telling everyone I’m damaged. I’m broken. I don’t want to ride that pony any more. Meanwhile my own natural state of being snuck up on me again, and I appear to be beginning another relationship. (As I type this, I wonder if I’m jinxing it by saying anything.)
Earlier in this process, I expressed concern about this guy to my friends. “He does yoga,” I sneered. “He goes to Burning Man.” I don’t know why they didn’t understand why this would be a potential problem. (“You do yoga and go to Burning Man,” they replied looking very confused.) How is it that no one knows what I mean?
Along those lines, I have some dating stories that I’m just dying to tell you, but alas,
1) I would burn in hell if I did, and
2) I’d have to kill you.
I guess those go in the opposite order. But every time I think about this (a lot), I think about it in that order.
So, here I am broken and damaged and yet still completely acting like myself. “Where ever you go, there you are” should be “whatever damaging thing happens to you, there you are,” because here I am looking this pony in the face, and it’s a pretty cute pony. It has blue eyes and floppy hair, and it wears glasses. I like its voice. It clips articles from the New Yorker for me.
I wanted to talk about natural sweetness (in humans, not in cookies), and maybe even about kissing, but I think I’m done for the night.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Fiction from the New Yorker
See the Other Side
by Tatyana Tolstaya March 12, 2007
A hot day in May in Ravenna, the small Italian city where Dante is buried. Once upon a time—right at the start of the fifth century A.D.—the Emperor Honorius transferred the capital of the Western Roman Empire to this city. There was a port here then, but the sea has since receded, and in its place are swamps, roses, dust, and vineyards....
by Tatyana Tolstaya March 12, 2007
A hot day in May in Ravenna, the small Italian city where Dante is buried. Once upon a time—right at the start of the fifth century A.D.—the Emperor Honorius transferred the capital of the Western Roman Empire to this city. There was a port here then, but the sea has since receded, and in its place are swamps, roses, dust, and vineyards....
Sunday, April 22, 2007
(Washington Post) Pearls Before Breakfast
Pearls Before Breakfast
Can one of the nation's great musicians cut through the fog of a D.C. rush hour? Let's find out.
By Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, April 8, 2007
HE EMERGED FROM THE METRO AT THE L'ENFANT PLAZA STATION AND POSITIONED HIMSELF AGAINST A WALL BESIDE A TRASH BASKET. By most measures, he was nondescript: a youngish white man in jeans, a long-sleeved T-shirt and a Washington Nationals baseball cap. From a small case, he removed a violin. Placing the open case at his feet, he shrewdly threw in a few dollars and pocket change as seed money, swiveled it to face pedestrian traffic, and began to play.
Can one of the nation's great musicians cut through the fog of a D.C. rush hour? Let's find out.
By Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, April 8, 2007
HE EMERGED FROM THE METRO AT THE L'ENFANT PLAZA STATION AND POSITIONED HIMSELF AGAINST A WALL BESIDE A TRASH BASKET. By most measures, he was nondescript: a youngish white man in jeans, a long-sleeved T-shirt and a Washington Nationals baseball cap. From a small case, he removed a violin. Placing the open case at his feet, he shrewdly threw in a few dollars and pocket change as seed money, swiveled it to face pedestrian traffic, and began to play.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Nonviolent Communication, the book
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values by Marshall B. Rosenberg and Arun Gandhi
I found the book on NVC profoundly moving. I think this chatty self-help book even brought me to tears a few times. Below are a collection of my favorite quotes from the book and a few short personal reactions.
“Unless, as grandfather would say, “we become the change we wish to see in the world,“ no change will ever take place. We are all, unfortunately, waiting for the other person to change first.” (page xvi)…
“Nonviolence means allowing the positive within you to emerge. Be dominated by love, respect, understanding, appreciation, compassion, and concern for others rather than the self-centered and selfish, greedy, hateful, prejudiced, suspicious, and aggressive attitudes that usually dominate our thinking. We often hear people say: “this world is ruthless and if you want to survive you must become ruthless, too.” I humbly disagree with this contention.” (page xvii)
“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” –Epictetus
“In such situation, the listener, unable to discern a clear request in the speaker’s words, may experience the kind of distress illustrated in the following anecdote.
“I was seated directly across the aisle from a couple on a mini-train that carries passengers to their respective terminals at the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport. For passengers in a hurry to catch a plane, the snail’s pace of the train may well be irritating. The man turned to his wife and said with intensity, “I have never seen a train go so slowly in all my life!” She said nothing, appearing tense and uneasy as to what response he might be expecting from her. He then did what many of us do when we’re not getting the response we want: he repeated himself. In a markedly stronger voice…. Now there were two people in pain!” (pg. 73)
I put this quote here bc I was moved by the statement about repeating oneself. It may not be the most effective way to get the response we want, but it is sometimes the only resource at our disposal.
The next quote I have marked doesn’t seem to work on its own. The idea is about distinguishing between a request and a demand both in how you ask to have your needs met and how you hear other people ask to have their needs met. The difference is that a request includes compassion for meeting the other person’s needs as well – it is a suggestion on how to meet both people’s needs. A demand has consequences if it isn’t met, usually a guilt trip, judgment or criticism. However, even when we consciously express a request, people might still hear a demand and not wish to meet our needs. “This is particularly true when we occupy positions of authority and are speaking with those who have had past experiences with coercive authority figures….
“By giving labels, we tend to act towards (the people we’ve labeled) in a way that contributes to the very behavior that concerns us, which we then view as further confirmation of our diagnosis.” (pg 82)
“The goal of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.” (pg 85)
“We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves.” (pg 100)
“Rather than agreeing or disagreeing about what people are for murdering, raping, or polluting the environment, I believe we serve life better by focusing attention on what we are needing….
“Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it towards punishing people rather than meeting our needs….
“…it is not what the other person does, but the images and interpretations in my own head that provide my anger.” (pg 144-145)
“’MBR: …I don’t say it’s wrong to judge people, to call them faceless beaurocrats or to label their actions as selfish. However, it’s that kind of thinking on your part that makes you feel angry. Focus your attention on your needs: what are your needs in this situation?” (pg 146)
“…by the very act of judging another person as a liar, I would contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy….
“…We may be successful in using such judgements to intimidate people into meeting our needs. If they feel so frightened, guilty, or ashamed that they change their behavior, we may come to believe that it is possible to “win” by telling people what’s wrong with them.
“With a broader perspective, however, we realize that each time our needs are met this way, we not only lose, but we have contributed very tangibly to violence on the planet.” (pg 148)
“The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breath, (2) identify our judgemental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs. Sometimes between steps 3 and 4 we may choose to empathize with the other person so that he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in Step 4.” (pg 154)
“…Punitive action, rather than evoking repentance and learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking.” (pg 162)
“When parents opt to use force, we may win the battle of getting our children to do what we want, but in the process, are we not perpetuating a social norm that justifies violence as a means of resolving differences?” (pg 163)
“When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself.” (pg 164)
“As mentioned earlier, we have inherited a language that served kings and powerful elites in domination societies. The masses, discouraged from developing awareness of their own needs, have instead been educated to be docile and subservient to authority.
“This means that when we have a judgemental dialogue going on within, we become alienated from what we are needing and cannot then act to meet those needs. Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.” (pg 171-172)
“In this dialogue Buber posits that human growth occurs through a meeting between two individuals who express themselves vulnerably and authentically in what he termed an “I-Thou” relationship.” (pg 175-176)
“There is a cartoon where one Native Americna remarks to another, “watch me use modern psychology on my horse!” He then leads his friend new to where the horse can overhear their conversation and exclaims, “I have the fastest, the most courageous horse in all the West!” The horse looks sad and says to itself, “How do you like that? He’s gone and bought himself another horse.” (pg 186)
That’s how I feel most of the time. Is it the result of a lack of authenticity in my communications?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
“It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world” (Marianne Williamson, pg 189)
“Still hesitant, I told myself that words couldn’t do justice to the depths of what I wished to communicate. I quickly saw thru that one, though: yes, words may be poor vehicles in conveying our heartfelt realities, but as I have learned, “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly!”
“Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments, however positive, and are sometimes offered to manipulate the behavior of others.” (pg 192)
“My grandmother loved to dance, and my mother remembers her saying often, “Never walk when you can dance.” (pg 194)
I found the book on NVC profoundly moving. I think this chatty self-help book even brought me to tears a few times. Below are a collection of my favorite quotes from the book and a few short personal reactions.
“Unless, as grandfather would say, “we become the change we wish to see in the world,“ no change will ever take place. We are all, unfortunately, waiting for the other person to change first.” (page xvi)…
“Nonviolence means allowing the positive within you to emerge. Be dominated by love, respect, understanding, appreciation, compassion, and concern for others rather than the self-centered and selfish, greedy, hateful, prejudiced, suspicious, and aggressive attitudes that usually dominate our thinking. We often hear people say: “this world is ruthless and if you want to survive you must become ruthless, too.” I humbly disagree with this contention.” (page xvii)
“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” –Epictetus
“In such situation, the listener, unable to discern a clear request in the speaker’s words, may experience the kind of distress illustrated in the following anecdote.
“I was seated directly across the aisle from a couple on a mini-train that carries passengers to their respective terminals at the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport. For passengers in a hurry to catch a plane, the snail’s pace of the train may well be irritating. The man turned to his wife and said with intensity, “I have never seen a train go so slowly in all my life!” She said nothing, appearing tense and uneasy as to what response he might be expecting from her. He then did what many of us do when we’re not getting the response we want: he repeated himself. In a markedly stronger voice…. Now there were two people in pain!” (pg. 73)
I put this quote here bc I was moved by the statement about repeating oneself. It may not be the most effective way to get the response we want, but it is sometimes the only resource at our disposal.
The next quote I have marked doesn’t seem to work on its own. The idea is about distinguishing between a request and a demand both in how you ask to have your needs met and how you hear other people ask to have their needs met. The difference is that a request includes compassion for meeting the other person’s needs as well – it is a suggestion on how to meet both people’s needs. A demand has consequences if it isn’t met, usually a guilt trip, judgment or criticism. However, even when we consciously express a request, people might still hear a demand and not wish to meet our needs. “This is particularly true when we occupy positions of authority and are speaking with those who have had past experiences with coercive authority figures….
“By giving labels, we tend to act towards (the people we’ve labeled) in a way that contributes to the very behavior that concerns us, which we then view as further confirmation of our diagnosis.” (pg 82)
“The goal of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.” (pg 85)
“We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves.” (pg 100)
“Rather than agreeing or disagreeing about what people are for murdering, raping, or polluting the environment, I believe we serve life better by focusing attention on what we are needing….
“Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it towards punishing people rather than meeting our needs….
“…it is not what the other person does, but the images and interpretations in my own head that provide my anger.” (pg 144-145)
“’MBR: …I don’t say it’s wrong to judge people, to call them faceless beaurocrats or to label their actions as selfish. However, it’s that kind of thinking on your part that makes you feel angry. Focus your attention on your needs: what are your needs in this situation?” (pg 146)
“…by the very act of judging another person as a liar, I would contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy….
“…We may be successful in using such judgements to intimidate people into meeting our needs. If they feel so frightened, guilty, or ashamed that they change their behavior, we may come to believe that it is possible to “win” by telling people what’s wrong with them.
“With a broader perspective, however, we realize that each time our needs are met this way, we not only lose, but we have contributed very tangibly to violence on the planet.” (pg 148)
“The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breath, (2) identify our judgemental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs. Sometimes between steps 3 and 4 we may choose to empathize with the other person so that he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in Step 4.” (pg 154)
“…Punitive action, rather than evoking repentance and learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking.” (pg 162)
“When parents opt to use force, we may win the battle of getting our children to do what we want, but in the process, are we not perpetuating a social norm that justifies violence as a means of resolving differences?” (pg 163)
“When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself.” (pg 164)
“As mentioned earlier, we have inherited a language that served kings and powerful elites in domination societies. The masses, discouraged from developing awareness of their own needs, have instead been educated to be docile and subservient to authority.
“This means that when we have a judgemental dialogue going on within, we become alienated from what we are needing and cannot then act to meet those needs. Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.” (pg 171-172)
“In this dialogue Buber posits that human growth occurs through a meeting between two individuals who express themselves vulnerably and authentically in what he termed an “I-Thou” relationship.” (pg 175-176)
“There is a cartoon where one Native Americna remarks to another, “watch me use modern psychology on my horse!” He then leads his friend new to where the horse can overhear their conversation and exclaims, “I have the fastest, the most courageous horse in all the West!” The horse looks sad and says to itself, “How do you like that? He’s gone and bought himself another horse.” (pg 186)
That’s how I feel most of the time. Is it the result of a lack of authenticity in my communications?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
“It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world” (Marianne Williamson, pg 189)
“Still hesitant, I told myself that words couldn’t do justice to the depths of what I wished to communicate. I quickly saw thru that one, though: yes, words may be poor vehicles in conveying our heartfelt realities, but as I have learned, “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly!”
“Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments, however positive, and are sometimes offered to manipulate the behavior of others.” (pg 192)
“My grandmother loved to dance, and my mother remembers her saying often, “Never walk when you can dance.” (pg 194)
Friday, April 13, 2007
The Rules (preliminary book review)
I read a few more pages of The Rules again the other night. I was struck by how crazy it is. Then, I read more and was struck by how honest it is. Who admits that they play games to get what they want? Very few. My third reaction was how real it is about the things we do to sabatage what we want.
For example, Rule #5: Don't call him and rarely return his calls. Now, not returning someone's calls is just plain rude, but when you really like someone you might be tempted to call him all the time. You do it with your best friend. You do it with your mother and your sister. But this guy in question doesn't know you well yet, and his feelings might or might not be in line with yours.
So, when the book recommended calling his home answering machine when he's at work and hanging up before the beep just to hear his voice, I understood. It's supply and demand -- too much supply leads to a lack of appreciation for the commodity. On the other hand, if you can find mechanism to get your needs met without overloading what you supply, well, it seems to me that everyone wins.
This book is for women more like I am than my friends. I have planned my wedding. I have named my children. I know what the house we will live in will look like. I've decided how chores will be divided up. It's flexible, but I have already thought it thru. Of course, my dates who aren't already in love with me might feel irritated or overwhelmed by this information. It might put them off. And that's just not necessary since... afterall, it's flexible.
A good friend of mine was very in love with this woman for, well, most of the 8 or so years I've been friends with him. It hasn't worked out. He told me once about how she liked to drink red wine in bed, and she is clumsy. I was horrified when he told me that she frequently spilled her red wine all over his white bed. "I thought it was cute," he explained. I'm waiting for someone to like me enough to think it's cute that I planned our future together 20 years ago.
For example, Rule #5: Don't call him and rarely return his calls. Now, not returning someone's calls is just plain rude, but when you really like someone you might be tempted to call him all the time. You do it with your best friend. You do it with your mother and your sister. But this guy in question doesn't know you well yet, and his feelings might or might not be in line with yours.
So, when the book recommended calling his home answering machine when he's at work and hanging up before the beep just to hear his voice, I understood. It's supply and demand -- too much supply leads to a lack of appreciation for the commodity. On the other hand, if you can find mechanism to get your needs met without overloading what you supply, well, it seems to me that everyone wins.
This book is for women more like I am than my friends. I have planned my wedding. I have named my children. I know what the house we will live in will look like. I've decided how chores will be divided up. It's flexible, but I have already thought it thru. Of course, my dates who aren't already in love with me might feel irritated or overwhelmed by this information. It might put them off. And that's just not necessary since... afterall, it's flexible.
A good friend of mine was very in love with this woman for, well, most of the 8 or so years I've been friends with him. It hasn't worked out. He told me once about how she liked to drink red wine in bed, and she is clumsy. I was horrified when he told me that she frequently spilled her red wine all over his white bed. "I thought it was cute," he explained. I'm waiting for someone to like me enough to think it's cute that I planned our future together 20 years ago.
I am fragile.
Last week, there seemed to be a lesson. My horoscope, for example, began with:
"I am fragile, delicate, and sensitive. That is my strength."
-The Indian spiritual teacher Osho
Meanwhile, Garrison Keiller read me: "Failing and Flying" by Jack Gilbert, from Refusing Heaven about the ending of relationships. My mother and I sent it to some of our friends, and Anne had a wonderful response: “…this is so beautiful, so sad but so hopeful, because it gives you a new way to see. I've always thought that there are relationships that are perfect but still temporary - not only love relationships, but all kinds of personal relationships. You have to appreciate their fullness and completeness - and like the poet says, remember that they flew, even if they ended up crashing to the earth….” To which I replied: “…I guess that's the Truth of poetry, of analogy, that they are especially profound when an idea can be applied not just to Icarus and to marriage but also to friendship and fresh fruit and television….”
I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith the other day, and it reminded me a lot of myself and Jared, not just because he likened her to Christmas morning, but also because of the overwhelming sense of prevailing falsehood, and that the burned the whole f*ing thing down. It seems highly unlikely to me that a situation like that could have a happy ending, but Hollywood is special that way. When people don’t trust, establishing trust isn’t like the flip of a switch.
All that reminded me of the Myth of the Phoenix rising from the burning flame. For both myself and my sister, devastating heartbreak has lead to a sudden falling of everything else into place: work, friends, apartment…. I finally renewed my driver’s license. I told her this yesterday, and she replied with disappointment that she doesn’t have a new boyfriend yet. I can’t help but feel like she’s missing the point. They didn’t love us enough to make it work, and as soon as they were gone our lives improved dramatically in every other way. Isn’t it just possible that the Universe is trying to tell us something? Not just, “Gosh, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to hurt this much.” But instead: “Look at how beautiful the world is out there, How talented you are, How much so many people love you. Look! …Don’t you see it? He was just a diversion.”
I find dating less mysterious now than I ever have. Last night, Sultan, Jake, and I were at Café Revolution near my house. A young woman singer-songwriter sang about how she did everything wrong in this relationship and now she’s finally getting used to the idea of him with other women. I was moved by the idea of her doing everything wrong, since of course, that’s easy to related to, but the thing about her getting used to him with other women fell rather flat to me bc it doesn’t have anything to do with that. Plus, I think this goes back to the whole “show don’t tell thing.” When I think about Jared with other women, I feel sorry for them without wholeheartedly wishing that things could be different. You choose your perspective. It's representative of something else; so, show me what.
Someone I know professionally was telling me Friday how I appear to have a vision that I’m successfully pursuing. I laughed and self-deprecated. Then she told me about a therapist who told her that she was high-functioning. She then fired that therapist. But the point is that what’s showing outside doesn’t always indicate anything on the inside… unless you know how to look.
This post is getting off track. Andy Warhol’s “Hell is other people” lacks authenticity. And getting used to their existence misses the point. Jake was advising me on another issue last weekend to “fake it until you make it”, and I think that one may have relevance. Mr. and Mrs. Smith destroyed all their possessions because their love for each other gave them a sense of fragility they didn’t know how to handle. Since they were both hired killers, the resulting escalation made it possible for them to put each other’s lives at stake and then realize that they didn’t really want each other dead. From there, there was no alternative but to show their vulnerability since they couldn’t kill each other.
But why not skip the middle stage? The catch is that both people have to do it at the same time, or at least believe that the other person can do it. Or at least be strong enough to do it on your own. Not many of us are. But also, things end, and from their endings, the beautiful can happen. Compost provides an excellent analogy. Relationships, and our relationship-lives, have cycles. What we can do to celebrate the life in that is to let ourselves be fragile, vulnerable from strength.
"I am fragile, delicate, and sensitive. That is my strength."
-The Indian spiritual teacher Osho
Meanwhile, Garrison Keiller read me: "Failing and Flying" by Jack Gilbert, from Refusing Heaven about the ending of relationships. My mother and I sent it to some of our friends, and Anne had a wonderful response: “…this is so beautiful, so sad but so hopeful, because it gives you a new way to see. I've always thought that there are relationships that are perfect but still temporary - not only love relationships, but all kinds of personal relationships. You have to appreciate their fullness and completeness - and like the poet says, remember that they flew, even if they ended up crashing to the earth….” To which I replied: “…I guess that's the Truth of poetry, of analogy, that they are especially profound when an idea can be applied not just to Icarus and to marriage but also to friendship and fresh fruit and television….”
I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith the other day, and it reminded me a lot of myself and Jared, not just because he likened her to Christmas morning, but also because of the overwhelming sense of prevailing falsehood, and that the burned the whole f*ing thing down. It seems highly unlikely to me that a situation like that could have a happy ending, but Hollywood is special that way. When people don’t trust, establishing trust isn’t like the flip of a switch.
All that reminded me of the Myth of the Phoenix rising from the burning flame. For both myself and my sister, devastating heartbreak has lead to a sudden falling of everything else into place: work, friends, apartment…. I finally renewed my driver’s license. I told her this yesterday, and she replied with disappointment that she doesn’t have a new boyfriend yet. I can’t help but feel like she’s missing the point. They didn’t love us enough to make it work, and as soon as they were gone our lives improved dramatically in every other way. Isn’t it just possible that the Universe is trying to tell us something? Not just, “Gosh, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to hurt this much.” But instead: “Look at how beautiful the world is out there, How talented you are, How much so many people love you. Look! …Don’t you see it? He was just a diversion.”
I find dating less mysterious now than I ever have. Last night, Sultan, Jake, and I were at Café Revolution near my house. A young woman singer-songwriter sang about how she did everything wrong in this relationship and now she’s finally getting used to the idea of him with other women. I was moved by the idea of her doing everything wrong, since of course, that’s easy to related to, but the thing about her getting used to him with other women fell rather flat to me bc it doesn’t have anything to do with that. Plus, I think this goes back to the whole “show don’t tell thing.” When I think about Jared with other women, I feel sorry for them without wholeheartedly wishing that things could be different. You choose your perspective. It's representative of something else; so, show me what.
Someone I know professionally was telling me Friday how I appear to have a vision that I’m successfully pursuing. I laughed and self-deprecated. Then she told me about a therapist who told her that she was high-functioning. She then fired that therapist. But the point is that what’s showing outside doesn’t always indicate anything on the inside… unless you know how to look.
This post is getting off track. Andy Warhol’s “Hell is other people” lacks authenticity. And getting used to their existence misses the point. Jake was advising me on another issue last weekend to “fake it until you make it”, and I think that one may have relevance. Mr. and Mrs. Smith destroyed all their possessions because their love for each other gave them a sense of fragility they didn’t know how to handle. Since they were both hired killers, the resulting escalation made it possible for them to put each other’s lives at stake and then realize that they didn’t really want each other dead. From there, there was no alternative but to show their vulnerability since they couldn’t kill each other.
But why not skip the middle stage? The catch is that both people have to do it at the same time, or at least believe that the other person can do it. Or at least be strong enough to do it on your own. Not many of us are. But also, things end, and from their endings, the beautiful can happen. Compost provides an excellent analogy. Relationships, and our relationship-lives, have cycles. What we can do to celebrate the life in that is to let ourselves be fragile, vulnerable from strength.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
One more thing about our Alaska vacation
This picture, from a spam email I got from a friend, reminded me of our heating situation in Petersberg, AK last year.
On things
The issue isn’t just having the right number of things. It’s having the right things: the right computer, the right phone, the right friends, the right boyfriend, the right internet connection, the right books, the right furniture, the right pictures of your family…. Sometimes that results in having too many things as each one doesn’t quite fit the bill in one small way or another. For things that it’s OK to have many of, that can work as long as it doesn’t get out of control. But some things you really want only one of, like your phone, and if the one you’ve got leaves unmet needs, there’s trouble.
I’m here to tell you that I now have 4 phones. Yes, you read that right: FOUR. I only go regularly to two places (my home and the office) and with mobile technology such as it is, I see no need to have more than one. Unfortunately, not everyone in my life agrees: my work, for example. They gave me a desk phone (so people can reach me by extension) and a mobile phone (for its walkie-talkie feature). I already had a mobile phone (for everything) and a LAN (for my doorbell when other people are at my apartment and for dial-up internet when necessary). I’m sure there’s some way to make these 4 numbers all ring in one little pocket phone, but me and one of the largest internet companies in the world are not that sophisticated. Or maybe I just haven’t asked the right people in the right way.
Technology is funny. After I got attacked by that crack whore last weekend (I’m not kidding), the police actually came to my house and left a message on my home answering machine bc they didn’t get the number from the 911 call that brought them to me. I KNOW that 911 could see my number; I learned that on television. So instead, they sent one of San Francisco’s finest to my house when I was at work to leave a message.
I recently heard that people are calling this the “golden age of television” bc it has so much competition its forced to innovate to keep its audience. Can that be true of other things? Like, when a relationship is unraveling, are its members forced to approach it with more creativity? The reason that isn’t the case (in my life anyway) is that when a relationship is unraveling it usually means that one or both members aren’t putting the needed energy into it to keep it going. It can’t be held up by one person trying harder bc what makes a relationship work is when both parties together become more than the sum of their parts. I believe to do that you have to free fall into and trust you’ll land on something soft and gentle at terminal velocity.
Accepting the premise that television is better now than it’s ever been (which I don’t have an opinion about since I don’t watch TV anymore), maybe television is better now bc it lacks the weight of its own success. Fewer people watch so fewer people judge. It’s no longer trying to please everyone. Now, it’s just trying to please itself and the few it can hold onto. But I’m just talking here.
I was returning a DVD to the library at 24th and Mission the other day with my backpack on my front. Two guys stood in front of a café. It was early morning. I overheard one saying to the other: “that one’s got great legs. She just needs to have her breasts fixed,” and then they laughed. Do guys really talk like that to each other?
I’m here to tell you that I now have 4 phones. Yes, you read that right: FOUR. I only go regularly to two places (my home and the office) and with mobile technology such as it is, I see no need to have more than one. Unfortunately, not everyone in my life agrees: my work, for example. They gave me a desk phone (so people can reach me by extension) and a mobile phone (for its walkie-talkie feature). I already had a mobile phone (for everything) and a LAN (for my doorbell when other people are at my apartment and for dial-up internet when necessary). I’m sure there’s some way to make these 4 numbers all ring in one little pocket phone, but me and one of the largest internet companies in the world are not that sophisticated. Or maybe I just haven’t asked the right people in the right way.
Technology is funny. After I got attacked by that crack whore last weekend (I’m not kidding), the police actually came to my house and left a message on my home answering machine bc they didn’t get the number from the 911 call that brought them to me. I KNOW that 911 could see my number; I learned that on television. So instead, they sent one of San Francisco’s finest to my house when I was at work to leave a message.
I recently heard that people are calling this the “golden age of television” bc it has so much competition its forced to innovate to keep its audience. Can that be true of other things? Like, when a relationship is unraveling, are its members forced to approach it with more creativity? The reason that isn’t the case (in my life anyway) is that when a relationship is unraveling it usually means that one or both members aren’t putting the needed energy into it to keep it going. It can’t be held up by one person trying harder bc what makes a relationship work is when both parties together become more than the sum of their parts. I believe to do that you have to free fall into and trust you’ll land on something soft and gentle at terminal velocity.
Accepting the premise that television is better now than it’s ever been (which I don’t have an opinion about since I don’t watch TV anymore), maybe television is better now bc it lacks the weight of its own success. Fewer people watch so fewer people judge. It’s no longer trying to please everyone. Now, it’s just trying to please itself and the few it can hold onto. But I’m just talking here.
I was returning a DVD to the library at 24th and Mission the other day with my backpack on my front. Two guys stood in front of a café. It was early morning. I overheard one saying to the other: “that one’s got great legs. She just needs to have her breasts fixed,” and then they laughed. Do guys really talk like that to each other?
Monday, March 12, 2007
Quotes from Charlie's email signature
"They say of the poet and the madman we all have a little...."
-Sandra Cisneros
"If we walk and walk and walk, people will call it a road."
-Korean Folk Saying
-Sandra Cisneros
"If we walk and walk and walk, people will call it a road."
-Korean Folk Saying
Sunday, March 11, 2007
NVC, part 2
Here are my notes and commentary from the rest of the other weekend’s NVC training:
• A 1 degree shift will lead you to someplace completely different down the road… and that’s all you can hope to get from a training.
• NVC is a mechanism thru which you should be able to connect with anyone (descriptively rather than prescriptively).
• Giving without any idea of reciprocation can be very gratifying – giving from a place of joy. I want to quibble with this one – I think everything we do is because of what we get, or can get, in return. I think even Mother Theresa did what she did because it made her feel good. Maybe that’s what this point means, but in which case, I don’t know what the alternative would be.
• We have needs. We develop strategies to get these needs met. However, these strategies often don’t work, or become obstacles to us getting our needs met. It’s when we get too attached to the strategies we’ve developed that problems arise.
• Demands are equally ineffective – a demand is when there are consequences if our needs aren’t met. Unstated demands are the most destructive. Instead we need to get back in touch with empathy for the other person.
• Some people asked about power struggles in relationships – apparently this is a big issue for many. Our trainer speculated that power struggles are derived from a lack of trust that the other person will meet one’s needs. Perhaps power is associated with a need for feeling safe. We all need to feel safe and autonomous, but we also need to find ways to get along.
• Another question was about what to do when your partner won’t self-assess. People felt frustrated because they end up not having their needs met and no understanding why. The trainer suggested that people examine their partners need for safety, or why they might feel unsafe self-assessing. I think that NVC isn’t really about “taking someone else’s inventory” (as I understand they say in 12-step). I believe NVC is about making sure our own needs are met and, because needs are universal, doing it right will lead our partners to understand our needs and look with us for strategies to have them met. On the other hand, if mutual assessment gives a feeling of intimacy, then perhaps one should look for other strategies that might generate that feeling.
• All this also leads back to the book “The 5 languages of love” that Rachel Berney told me about, and I have discussed before.
• We find friends and partners who behave as we expect people to behave, who meet our needs in ways we expect them to. Whether someone is culturally or just personally different, relating to them causes us stress.
• Hear other people’s requests as a beautiful song.
• Have a lot of question marks in your conversations about important issues – come from a place of inquiry. I think this means having an open heart to really hearing the other person rather than coming into conflicts with a per-determined outcome in mind. This reminds me of my observation about democracy in relationships.
• When you feel guilt, anger, shame it means that you are letting yourself embrace too many “shoulds”.
• When relating to others, connect with their needs that you want to be meeting.
• When someone reacts very strongly to something, deal with the reaction – that why you can still express your truth. This leads to connection….Gosh, I don’t really know what this one is supposed to mean.
• NVC: 1) observation (without judgement), 2) your feelings, 3) the need that you would like to have met, 4) a request, 5) “how does it feel to hear that?” Everything we say is “please help me get my needs met. Thank you for meeting my needs.” But make sure to flush it out – say why. Our trainer thanked a student for her enthusiasm this way, and it was, of course, very compelling. Much more compelling than just saying “thanks for you enthusiasm.” Try saying all kinds of things this way – it might even be too meaningful.
• A 1 degree shift will lead you to someplace completely different down the road… and that’s all you can hope to get from a training.
• NVC is a mechanism thru which you should be able to connect with anyone (descriptively rather than prescriptively).
• Giving without any idea of reciprocation can be very gratifying – giving from a place of joy. I want to quibble with this one – I think everything we do is because of what we get, or can get, in return. I think even Mother Theresa did what she did because it made her feel good. Maybe that’s what this point means, but in which case, I don’t know what the alternative would be.
• We have needs. We develop strategies to get these needs met. However, these strategies often don’t work, or become obstacles to us getting our needs met. It’s when we get too attached to the strategies we’ve developed that problems arise.
• Demands are equally ineffective – a demand is when there are consequences if our needs aren’t met. Unstated demands are the most destructive. Instead we need to get back in touch with empathy for the other person.
• Some people asked about power struggles in relationships – apparently this is a big issue for many. Our trainer speculated that power struggles are derived from a lack of trust that the other person will meet one’s needs. Perhaps power is associated with a need for feeling safe. We all need to feel safe and autonomous, but we also need to find ways to get along.
• Another question was about what to do when your partner won’t self-assess. People felt frustrated because they end up not having their needs met and no understanding why. The trainer suggested that people examine their partners need for safety, or why they might feel unsafe self-assessing. I think that NVC isn’t really about “taking someone else’s inventory” (as I understand they say in 12-step). I believe NVC is about making sure our own needs are met and, because needs are universal, doing it right will lead our partners to understand our needs and look with us for strategies to have them met. On the other hand, if mutual assessment gives a feeling of intimacy, then perhaps one should look for other strategies that might generate that feeling.
• All this also leads back to the book “The 5 languages of love” that Rachel Berney told me about, and I have discussed before.
• We find friends and partners who behave as we expect people to behave, who meet our needs in ways we expect them to. Whether someone is culturally or just personally different, relating to them causes us stress.
• Hear other people’s requests as a beautiful song.
• Have a lot of question marks in your conversations about important issues – come from a place of inquiry. I think this means having an open heart to really hearing the other person rather than coming into conflicts with a per-determined outcome in mind. This reminds me of my observation about democracy in relationships.
• When you feel guilt, anger, shame it means that you are letting yourself embrace too many “shoulds”.
• When relating to others, connect with their needs that you want to be meeting.
• When someone reacts very strongly to something, deal with the reaction – that why you can still express your truth. This leads to connection….Gosh, I don’t really know what this one is supposed to mean.
• NVC: 1) observation (without judgement), 2) your feelings, 3) the need that you would like to have met, 4) a request, 5) “how does it feel to hear that?” Everything we say is “please help me get my needs met. Thank you for meeting my needs.” But make sure to flush it out – say why. Our trainer thanked a student for her enthusiasm this way, and it was, of course, very compelling. Much more compelling than just saying “thanks for you enthusiasm.” Try saying all kinds of things this way – it might even be too meaningful.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Where it hurts
I help people get to work by what we call "alternative modes": public transportation, rideshare, bike, foot.... You can imagine that that means I have to know how to get there by each of these modes. So, yesterday morning starting at 5 AM, we biked the 45 miles to work. Of course, this is also really good multitasking since I need to start training for an event I, in a moment of apparent insanity, registered for a while back.
My body is letting me know that I haven't really been on a bike in several months. I feel it mostly in my butt and the inside of my knees. But I'm not actually suffering. What did hurt was getting up that early after a week of not getting enough sleep already. I went to bed at 9 PM last night.
So, I find myself working in the belly of the beast. It feels pretty good. Each day, I say at least something that could offend someone, and sometimes I don't realize it until I get home and mull over my day. That hurts too.
My body is letting me know that I haven't really been on a bike in several months. I feel it mostly in my butt and the inside of my knees. But I'm not actually suffering. What did hurt was getting up that early after a week of not getting enough sleep already. I went to bed at 9 PM last night.
So, I find myself working in the belly of the beast. It feels pretty good. Each day, I say at least something that could offend someone, and sometimes I don't realize it until I get home and mull over my day. That hurts too.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Wild Geese
We all know the poem by Mary Oliver. This morning, for the first time in many years, I listened to A Prairie Home Companion, and I had a revelation. Sure, you have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. But to make that work, you have to love more than you thought you could. The world of relationships has to be black and white to work: love completely or not at all.
Update
It's been less than a week since my last post, but it feels like much longer. I realize I owe you the rest on the NVC event. But here's what's been going on with me:
On Monday, I went back to the South Bay for a second interview with the big boss. We chatted for about 10 minutes when she said: "well, clearly, you're a culture fit, and" she motioned to my resume "clearly, you can do that job. So, how much money do you want?" (I'm paraphrasing in case it comes to that.) The short version is that I will be working down there 30 hours a week (3 or 4 days) for the next "26 weeks" (as my contract says). I'm thrilled and also completely exhausted already.
I started work on Thursday (altho, technically, my contract hadn't begun yet). This time, I took the correct shuttle (only after nearly getting on the wrong one for yet another company). The wifi on the shuttle worked OK, but I wasn't able to get my podcasts. I was able to surf pretty well. Of course, this is my job now, and we're talking about ways to improve on that... and if it's worth it to improve it.
The Professor and I went to first Thursday (when the downtown galleries are open late). One gallery (on the second floor of 77 Geary) had a really cool subway painting. Some friends of his from Oakland were having an opening party on 9th Street. So, we trekked up there for that. My favorite piece was a painting of a rather architecturally-bland hotel in yellow. His friend had made a huge horse out of styrofoam.
Friday night, my gallery had its party, and many folks came. I speculated about how I couldn't get myself a gig in the public or non-profit sectors, but it has been easy to find work in big business (non-transportation industry -- I now have 2). My bike guy suggested that it was my mascara. I don't know what that means. Shortly after, we got to speculating about what life is all about. We came to the conclusion that meaning is found in things that grow on their own: plants, work, relationships.... Things where you plant the seed and the rest happens on its own and surprises you.
Sailing yesterday was OK, but the company was good. My dinner plans ended early; so, I found myself watching a movie, Gloomy Sunday (after the Hungarian suicide song), with some of my girlfriends. I wondered how many women across the city were watching dvds on couches at that very moment. The film was really good, and Erika Marozsán is stunningly beautiful. Her character, however, wasn't very complex, and this lessened the effectiveness of the story. Afterall, pretty girls are a dime a dozen. Why did this one cause so much trouble?
I sit at the gallery today. I dropped one of my classes, but I need to catch up on the other one. I went for a run, which felt really good. I need to start training on the bike again. This cafe is loud.
On Monday, I went back to the South Bay for a second interview with the big boss. We chatted for about 10 minutes when she said: "well, clearly, you're a culture fit, and" she motioned to my resume "clearly, you can do that job. So, how much money do you want?" (I'm paraphrasing in case it comes to that.) The short version is that I will be working down there 30 hours a week (3 or 4 days) for the next "26 weeks" (as my contract says). I'm thrilled and also completely exhausted already.
I started work on Thursday (altho, technically, my contract hadn't begun yet). This time, I took the correct shuttle (only after nearly getting on the wrong one for yet another company). The wifi on the shuttle worked OK, but I wasn't able to get my podcasts. I was able to surf pretty well. Of course, this is my job now, and we're talking about ways to improve on that... and if it's worth it to improve it.
The Professor and I went to first Thursday (when the downtown galleries are open late). One gallery (on the second floor of 77 Geary) had a really cool subway painting. Some friends of his from Oakland were having an opening party on 9th Street. So, we trekked up there for that. My favorite piece was a painting of a rather architecturally-bland hotel in yellow. His friend had made a huge horse out of styrofoam.
Friday night, my gallery had its party, and many folks came. I speculated about how I couldn't get myself a gig in the public or non-profit sectors, but it has been easy to find work in big business (non-transportation industry -- I now have 2). My bike guy suggested that it was my mascara. I don't know what that means. Shortly after, we got to speculating about what life is all about. We came to the conclusion that meaning is found in things that grow on their own: plants, work, relationships.... Things where you plant the seed and the rest happens on its own and surprises you.
Sailing yesterday was OK, but the company was good. My dinner plans ended early; so, I found myself watching a movie, Gloomy Sunday (after the Hungarian suicide song), with some of my girlfriends. I wondered how many women across the city were watching dvds on couches at that very moment. The film was really good, and Erika Marozsán is stunningly beautiful. Her character, however, wasn't very complex, and this lessened the effectiveness of the story. Afterall, pretty girls are a dime a dozen. Why did this one cause so much trouble?
I sit at the gallery today. I dropped one of my classes, but I need to catch up on the other one. I went for a run, which felt really good. I need to start training on the bike again. This cafe is loud.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
NVC, part 1
Many of you may recall that I did a weekend-long workshop on Non-Violent Communication (NVC) a few years ago in Norwich, England. Sunday, I did a 3-hour introduction class thru Urban Alliance for Sustainability. To be perfectly honest, I am wary of throwing myself into the whole self-improvement universe – not because I don’t think I have a lot to improve, but rather because I think the vocabulary and mentality you learn alienates those who don’t ride that pony. I believe in the search for self-improvement, but only in the context of how everyone else relates and communicates.
I’m surprised that I’m able to draw in this recent quote:
Ilana said: it’s almost as if there are as many ways to have awkward interactions as there are people (with whom you can have them). (Here I begin to paraphrase) We have all these Miss Manners-type books prescribing how we should treat each other, and there’s still no one solution. We all still do it awkwardly.
That conversation was about something completely different… or was it? There isn’t any one right way to be with other people, and at the same time, we’ve all found ourselves offended when offense wasn’t intended or scratching our heads about a person’s real meaning. Yet, all each of us really wants is to be happy, to have people around us committed to our happiness, and to commit ourselves to the happiness of others. It should be so simple.
At the beginning of the workshop, several people stood up and stated their intensions for being there. People talked about getting away from judgment, about the desire to turn conflict into collaboration, about wanting to keep an open heat. This moved me.
Before the next step, we spent a moment discussing confidentiality. The upshot was that it’s OK to share your own experience, but not someone else’s. I will try to respect that request. They said: this is how trust is built; I disagree. I believe trust is built through acts that express empathy and compassion – this, of course, encompasses disclosure issues.
Our next step was to discuss our intensions for being there with 4 other attendees. I only spoke with 3, but thru that process, I devised 3 intensions, the local to the global:
1) to have happy intimate relationships
2) to do my job of convincing people to use efficient transportation better
3) to discuss national and international issues with people with differing views and promote a more democratic society in the process.
Interestingly, as I described my job to one (older) woman, I saw her face shut down. She had no interest in auto-addiction (not the words I used with her). When I reached “promoting a more democratic society” her face lit up. I realized that much of my movement is generational, and if we don’t the message through to people young enough, they might never be able to hear it. This is another reason why everyone should do a year abroad in school – it fosters an open mind.
I’m rambling on, and I would like to get to the point. I’ll do that another time….
I’m surprised that I’m able to draw in this recent quote:
Ilana said: it’s almost as if there are as many ways to have awkward interactions as there are people (with whom you can have them). (Here I begin to paraphrase) We have all these Miss Manners-type books prescribing how we should treat each other, and there’s still no one solution. We all still do it awkwardly.
That conversation was about something completely different… or was it? There isn’t any one right way to be with other people, and at the same time, we’ve all found ourselves offended when offense wasn’t intended or scratching our heads about a person’s real meaning. Yet, all each of us really wants is to be happy, to have people around us committed to our happiness, and to commit ourselves to the happiness of others. It should be so simple.
At the beginning of the workshop, several people stood up and stated their intensions for being there. People talked about getting away from judgment, about the desire to turn conflict into collaboration, about wanting to keep an open heat. This moved me.
Before the next step, we spent a moment discussing confidentiality. The upshot was that it’s OK to share your own experience, but not someone else’s. I will try to respect that request. They said: this is how trust is built; I disagree. I believe trust is built through acts that express empathy and compassion – this, of course, encompasses disclosure issues.
Our next step was to discuss our intensions for being there with 4 other attendees. I only spoke with 3, but thru that process, I devised 3 intensions, the local to the global:
1) to have happy intimate relationships
2) to do my job of convincing people to use efficient transportation better
3) to discuss national and international issues with people with differing views and promote a more democratic society in the process.
Interestingly, as I described my job to one (older) woman, I saw her face shut down. She had no interest in auto-addiction (not the words I used with her). When I reached “promoting a more democratic society” her face lit up. I realized that much of my movement is generational, and if we don’t the message through to people young enough, they might never be able to hear it. This is another reason why everyone should do a year abroad in school – it fosters an open mind.
I’m rambling on, and I would like to get to the point. I’ll do that another time….
Saturday, February 24, 2007
More thoughts on my favorite topic
Scientific American: relationships are what makes funny. One example given was Seinfeld. I’m not sure of the exact source.
I had a moment of clarity the other day about… you guessed it: relationships. The problem is that I don’t know exactly which words to use to describe it. But I think a key to a health relationship, to one that builds all parties up rather than takes them down, is democracy. That is, decisions are made together. Starting from the problem, and onto a un-pre-determined solution, determining together what will work for both people. This can be anything from what to do on Saturday to whether or not to continue the Relationship.
I’ve been with a different person each year for the past 4 years. The closeness (in time) of these relationships provides an unusual perspective on relationships, since everyone is so different. For example, 2004-2006 lacked democracy (although 2004 made up for it when I brought it to his attention). Countless studies have found that boys aren’t inclined towards collaboration. I also think that I’m attracted to pig-headedness. However, not all my boyfriends have approached our relationship undemocratically.
I had another sort of revelation recently. I love my gallery. I love sailing. I love jogging. I love my apartment. I love the articles I write. I love the study I’ve been contracted to do. I love my friends and my family. I love San Francisco. I love riding a bicycle. Basically, I love my life. Inviting anyone to be a closer part of my life would be such a big gamble, since I recently experienced so much unhappiness from doing that, I wonder if it would ever be worth that gamble. My happiness feels so precious and fragile; I want to protect it.
Carolyn tells me that I am significantly happier when I have a boyfriend. She also tells me that I was “profoundly unhappy” in my last relationship. So, where does that leave me? Well, I don’t know. I do know that I have developed a bit of distain for this idea of Love. It’s like Tam and I were saying last night: I always cry at weddings but not necessarily at funerals. Good things are dangerous – the more you have, the more you have to lose. And I don’t want people I love to lose that much. So, living in a place of having lost already is much safer.
I had a moment of clarity the other day about… you guessed it: relationships. The problem is that I don’t know exactly which words to use to describe it. But I think a key to a health relationship, to one that builds all parties up rather than takes them down, is democracy. That is, decisions are made together. Starting from the problem, and onto a un-pre-determined solution, determining together what will work for both people. This can be anything from what to do on Saturday to whether or not to continue the Relationship.
I’ve been with a different person each year for the past 4 years. The closeness (in time) of these relationships provides an unusual perspective on relationships, since everyone is so different. For example, 2004-2006 lacked democracy (although 2004 made up for it when I brought it to his attention). Countless studies have found that boys aren’t inclined towards collaboration. I also think that I’m attracted to pig-headedness. However, not all my boyfriends have approached our relationship undemocratically.
I had another sort of revelation recently. I love my gallery. I love sailing. I love jogging. I love my apartment. I love the articles I write. I love the study I’ve been contracted to do. I love my friends and my family. I love San Francisco. I love riding a bicycle. Basically, I love my life. Inviting anyone to be a closer part of my life would be such a big gamble, since I recently experienced so much unhappiness from doing that, I wonder if it would ever be worth that gamble. My happiness feels so precious and fragile; I want to protect it.
Carolyn tells me that I am significantly happier when I have a boyfriend. She also tells me that I was “profoundly unhappy” in my last relationship. So, where does that leave me? Well, I don’t know. I do know that I have developed a bit of distain for this idea of Love. It’s like Tam and I were saying last night: I always cry at weddings but not necessarily at funerals. Good things are dangerous – the more you have, the more you have to lose. And I don’t want people I love to lose that much. So, living in a place of having lost already is much safer.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Strange Timing
You know that my specialty is sharing too much. So, you won't be surprised to learn that I just had most of the hair removed from the lower half of my body for the first time in several months. (I'd even had a dream about it. The situation was dire.)
Afterwards, I headed to a cafe to use their wireless and finish a homework assignment. Here, I walked right up to the back of a man and asked him if he was leaving. Well, guess what? It was a boy I kissed at a party 5 years ago and haven't seen since. I'm not going to date him now, but I thought it was strange timing.
Afterwards, I headed to a cafe to use their wireless and finish a homework assignment. Here, I walked right up to the back of a man and asked him if he was leaving. Well, guess what? It was a boy I kissed at a party 5 years ago and haven't seen since. I'm not going to date him now, but I thought it was strange timing.
Cultural experience
Yesterday morning, I had an interview at a large internet company in the South Bay. I trekked down to 24th and Mission at the ungodly but designated time for its shuttle. There was a mob of young men in leather jackets, jeans, and new canvas laptop cases; so, I figured they must be my people. But I hung back to get on the shuttle last. It filled up, and ultimately a young man gave up his seat to let me ride to my interview.
The bus was really crowded, and they had turned 2 people away (including the guy who gave up his seat for me to make it to my interview). Since the job I interviewed for included running the shuttle service, I could see that I had my work cut out for me. I kept elbowing the guy next to me, and he kept nudging me. I wanted to believe he was hitting on me (he was pretty cute) but I was also aware of the reality of the situation.
The bus had wifi, and I noticed that everyone on the bus was using the email of a competing internet company. I thought that was rather odd.
The first stop was a full 20 minutes earlier than my stop was supposed to be, and I asked the guy next to me how many stops there are:
Him: 4, I think
Me: the schedule they gave me only included 2
Him: some are new, I think.
Me: I’m trying to get to X business park. What city are we in?
Him (shrugging): this is the main campus.
The 3 other women on the bus got off together, looking rather eccentric, and walked together towards one of the buildings. Most everyone else (young men in leather jackets) had a different stop – a stop clearly for the competing internet company. At the last stop, one guy asked me: do you know where you’re going?
Me: No
Him: Did they give you a building number?
I mentioned the company name…. well, it turned out I had gotten on the wrong company’s bus. I guess I thought multiple companies might share buses.
The person interviewing me later clarified that there are actually 4 companies with shuttles from SF to their South Bay campus: eBay, Genetech, Google, and Yahoo!. The shuttle driver dropped me at another shuttle stop where that shuttle arrived shortly and took me to the Caltrain station. Then, another shuttle took me from the Caltrain station to the proper campus. I was only 30 minutes late. I wonder if I could have walked.
So, basically, I toured the South Bay by public transit, and the dot com thing still happening there. The person interviewing me wanted to know all about the other company’s shuttle facilities: what kind of transponder did they have? Yeah, I checked that right after I got on the bus. (Not.) But I was a bit of a company spy already having had that experience. She said they’d had some turnover in the position managing the shuttle which might explain the inadequate capacity.
Who knows what will happen, but I’m kind of excited about trying an entirely different sector of the economy. The obvious jobs for me I already know have undesirable aspects. I’m less excited about the commute, but it got to feeling almost romantic to me on that bus ride down, like we were these people who do this crazy thing and it’s like meditation – something that you do that you don’t really understand but is fun anyway. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Someone please kiss me to shut me up.
The bus was really crowded, and they had turned 2 people away (including the guy who gave up his seat for me to make it to my interview). Since the job I interviewed for included running the shuttle service, I could see that I had my work cut out for me. I kept elbowing the guy next to me, and he kept nudging me. I wanted to believe he was hitting on me (he was pretty cute) but I was also aware of the reality of the situation.
The bus had wifi, and I noticed that everyone on the bus was using the email of a competing internet company. I thought that was rather odd.
The first stop was a full 20 minutes earlier than my stop was supposed to be, and I asked the guy next to me how many stops there are:
Him: 4, I think
Me: the schedule they gave me only included 2
Him: some are new, I think.
Me: I’m trying to get to X business park. What city are we in?
Him (shrugging): this is the main campus.
The 3 other women on the bus got off together, looking rather eccentric, and walked together towards one of the buildings. Most everyone else (young men in leather jackets) had a different stop – a stop clearly for the competing internet company. At the last stop, one guy asked me: do you know where you’re going?
Me: No
Him: Did they give you a building number?
I mentioned the company name…. well, it turned out I had gotten on the wrong company’s bus. I guess I thought multiple companies might share buses.
The person interviewing me later clarified that there are actually 4 companies with shuttles from SF to their South Bay campus: eBay, Genetech, Google, and Yahoo!. The shuttle driver dropped me at another shuttle stop where that shuttle arrived shortly and took me to the Caltrain station. Then, another shuttle took me from the Caltrain station to the proper campus. I was only 30 minutes late. I wonder if I could have walked.
So, basically, I toured the South Bay by public transit, and the dot com thing still happening there. The person interviewing me wanted to know all about the other company’s shuttle facilities: what kind of transponder did they have? Yeah, I checked that right after I got on the bus. (Not.) But I was a bit of a company spy already having had that experience. She said they’d had some turnover in the position managing the shuttle which might explain the inadequate capacity.
Who knows what will happen, but I’m kind of excited about trying an entirely different sector of the economy. The obvious jobs for me I already know have undesirable aspects. I’m less excited about the commute, but it got to feeling almost romantic to me on that bus ride down, like we were these people who do this crazy thing and it’s like meditation – something that you do that you don’t really understand but is fun anyway. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Someone please kiss me to shut me up.
Hey baby, can I fix your bike?
Yes, you read that right. I just had a lovely second date where a guy I met a couple weeks ago began fixing my bike. There was a roommate crisis which required him to rush off, but first I locked my bike in his office. I’m not sure if the rush-off was intended (even subconsciously) to be passive-aggressive. I’m not sure if the locking of the bike in his office was intended to tie me down. The date was one of my best in a while. I think it was because we were doing something I enjoy doing (rather than sitting around over drinks and talking, which can be boring), and because there was a nice energy going.
I guess the other good date this season was one with The Professor, but he ruined it by telling me, apropos of nothing, in gruesome detail about his then-girlfriend’s miscarriage. I’m still traumatized. Even though it wasn’t meant to be, many other aspects of that date were good.
My flirtation with the young sailor continues. At least now we have each other’s phone numbers. My other sailing buddies say I should just ask him on a date, but I’m just not there. They say I am too friendly with everyone, and the guy I like might not know that… I like him particularly. But I prefer to keep things light and non-committal.
Which reminds me of something else I’ve been meaning to do for a while: write down all my favorite original quotes. When my sailing friend said I was too friendly, I quoted my mother:
“It’s easy to make people feel shitty about themselves. Most people already do. If you want a challenge, why not try to make people feel good about themselves.”
Thus, my “excessive” friendliness. She replied that I do a pretty good job of making her feel good about herself. :-)
Another quote that I love, from Kate Gordon, who I went to grad school with:
“If you are asking yourself these questions (is it happening?), then it isn’t happening.” Or, in other words, when it’s happening, you aren’t questioning it. “When it’s right; it’s right” (not an original quote).
I will continue to jot down these quotes as I remember them.
I guess the other good date this season was one with The Professor, but he ruined it by telling me, apropos of nothing, in gruesome detail about his then-girlfriend’s miscarriage. I’m still traumatized. Even though it wasn’t meant to be, many other aspects of that date were good.
My flirtation with the young sailor continues. At least now we have each other’s phone numbers. My other sailing buddies say I should just ask him on a date, but I’m just not there. They say I am too friendly with everyone, and the guy I like might not know that… I like him particularly. But I prefer to keep things light and non-committal.
Which reminds me of something else I’ve been meaning to do for a while: write down all my favorite original quotes. When my sailing friend said I was too friendly, I quoted my mother:
“It’s easy to make people feel shitty about themselves. Most people already do. If you want a challenge, why not try to make people feel good about themselves.”
Thus, my “excessive” friendliness. She replied that I do a pretty good job of making her feel good about herself. :-)
Another quote that I love, from Kate Gordon, who I went to grad school with:
“If you are asking yourself these questions (is it happening?), then it isn’t happening.” Or, in other words, when it’s happening, you aren’t questioning it. “When it’s right; it’s right” (not an original quote).
I will continue to jot down these quotes as I remember them.
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