Yes, I read the book. Cover to cover. It was a quick read. Over the first half, the author blamed women (herself) for being single. I found her tiresome. By the second half, she got into the meat of it: why, and what to do about it.
I agree that a lot of the good ones get snapped up. I also agree that men who really want to be married, get married(*), and so far that hasn’t been to either me or Lori Gottlieb, the book’s author. Finally, I agree that some woman are too picky(**), don’t give perfectly good guys a chance. I, however, am not one of those women.
When Lori presented her date “Sheldon2” and explained that she was reluctant to go out with him because in his personals profile picture he wore a pink bow tie… well, I knew she wasn’t speaking to me. Because 1) I think men wearing pink bow ties are adorable. And 2) I never rule men out by their photo unless they present themselves resting against a fancy sports car (or otherwise expressing a culture that I cannot relate to). The photo is an opportunity to learn about what the person values, how they see themselves, not to judge their taste in clothes or if they're cute enough for you.
She ends up dating the guy happily. He's widower and single parent. Unfortunately, she explains, he gets the opportunity to move to Chicago and be closer to family who could help him with his child. She believes their situations pulled them apart. I think that if he was excited about her he would have: 1) waited to move a short time to see where the relationship was going, 2) continued seeing her long distance to see where the relationship was going, or 3) asked her to move with him. She is, after all, a writer who can write anywhere. Sorry, Lori, didn’t buy it.
At another point in the book, she discusses a woman who would be happy with “an 8” (as opposed to a 10) but is afraid she might choose the wrong “8.”
All this leads me to my biggest concern about her “case”. Let’s say you decide to “settle for Mr. Good Enough”; who’s to say he’s going to want to “settle” for you. Anything worth having is worth fighting for, and I’m not sure I could muster the enthusiasm for someone who’s sort of OK. So, you make a concession and commit yourself to someone who seems like he’d be a good partner even if you’re not in love with him. By the time he leaves you, you’ve wasted a whole lot of time trying to make something work that wasn’t that great.
It’s terribly sad that Lori feels like she’s worth so little. That she closes herself off to people she doesn’t know yet. That her search for a husband has been so frustrating for her. Dating, getting to know new people, is incredibly fun. I’m still romantic enough to prefer being “alone” forever rather than marrying the wrong guy just to have a husband. And if you’re ever going to find him, you have to: 1) work the numbers, and 2) stop looking when you do (***). I know a woman who met 37 guys within one year in her search for a husband. She married number 35. My mother met the love of her life (and third husband) at age 42. Yeah, you have to be ready; you have to be open; but most of all, you have to be at the right place at the right time (i.e. lucky). And sometimes, just sometimes, that luck lasts for a while. Until it does, you also have to know when to walk away (and believe in yourself when you do -- at least most of the time).
Random quotes I liked from the book (I didn’t read its beginning with a pencil so quotes start half way through):
(***)“… people are more satisfied with nonreturnable items than they are with returnable ones.” (pg 152, Schwartz, The Paradox of Choice)
(**)“that’s the thing about choice: if you don’t choose anything, eventually you are left with nothing.” (pg 155)
“I have friends who do the whole 10 p.m. Googling thing – what about that girl from high school? And while it’s tempting, you have to remember that the internet is just a modern-day Harlequin romance filled with real characters” (pg. 171)
(**)“Two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women” (because) “women want more” from relationships (romance, passion, help around the house) (pg 210)
(*)“…one characteristic to look for in a husband is simply someone who wants to be married.” (pg 223)
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
on the bike car 2
This was a cute little interaction. We were all lined up to get off the train with our bikes. I, of course, loved it that this guy was still wearing his tie. So, I asked if I could take his photo.
When I checked if the photo had come out, I was really impressed with it. He looks natural, happy, even a little mischievous. A lot of personality was coming through.
I said: "You probably know that you're incredibly photogenic."
He told me he had no idea.
When I checked if the photo had come out, I was really impressed with it. He looks natural, happy, even a little mischievous. A lot of personality was coming through.
I said: "You probably know that you're incredibly photogenic."
He told me he had no idea.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Wi-Drive Chic 2
I was talking last week about the bus I usually ride to work. It creates community. It holds our little family -- especially as more time passes. Since we work in Silicon Valley, most of the guys dress pretty casually for work. But everyone once in a while, and sometimes just specific people, take it up a notch. Like this guy. Good thing he doesn't have toe clips that might scuff up those magnificent shoes.(1)
Every morning, folks play with their phones until the bus comes. Sometimes we chat.
When the bus comes, our bikes go into the luggage compartment. Most of the gentlemen load their own bikes, but the driver usually helps the ladies with theirs. Being genetically predisposed to weaker upper body strength, I appreciate his assistance.
Here's our snazzy friend on a different day, in a different well-put-together outfit. Some people just keep impressing.
(1) This problem can also be resolved with plastic toe clips.
Every morning, folks play with their phones until the bus comes. Sometimes we chat.
When the bus comes, our bikes go into the luggage compartment. Most of the gentlemen load their own bikes, but the driver usually helps the ladies with theirs. Being genetically predisposed to weaker upper body strength, I appreciate his assistance.
Here's our snazzy friend on a different day, in a different well-put-together outfit. Some people just keep impressing.
(1) This problem can also be resolved with plastic toe clips.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Jon Stewart's delicious commentary on 40 years of oil crisis
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| ||||
Thanks, Streetsblog, for bringing this to my attention. So good.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Wi-Drive Chic 1
You've definitely heard me complain about my commute. Something happened last year that made it about a million times better. Bauer's started running a private bus for the general public (although mostly Cisco employees) between my home and my office. I sometimes bring my bike bc the distance on the work end is about a mile. But that's a completely walkable distance too. So, I bring my bike if I will need it during the day or in the evening or if shaving off 10 minutes in the morning makes a difference to me (i.e., I have a morning meeting).
One of the great things about riding the bus is that it creates community. We live these crazy lives where we're away from home 12 hours a day, but at least we have each other. This lady doesn't ride the bus anymore, but I always loved seeing what quirky outfit she combined with her biking. In this photo, check out her socks and Nutcase helmet.
In these two photos, she's got on a really cute dress over leggings. You also noticed her awesome hair color and stylish sunglasses.
Here's the bus -- gotta run!
One of the great things about riding the bus is that it creates community. We live these crazy lives where we're away from home 12 hours a day, but at least we have each other. This lady doesn't ride the bus anymore, but I always loved seeing what quirky outfit she combined with her biking. In this photo, check out her socks and Nutcase helmet.
In these two photos, she's got on a really cute dress over leggings. You also noticed her awesome hair color and stylish sunglasses.
Here's the bus -- gotta run!
Friday, June 11, 2010
BeZerkeley Zebra
You can tell this woman is a utilitarian cyclist and not just a woman in a dress walking a bike because of her messenger bag and sunglasses. Mostly the messenger bag. I love the way she is seemingly accidentally color-coordinated with her bike, and I'm a little bit in love with the bright yellow water bottle holders on the black and white road bike.
A lot of people chat on the phone while riding their bikes. Not me. And especially not on trafficky Shattuck Avenue. But even with both hands occupied, this zebra lady is handling herself with ease.
Years ago, I was walking at this very spot, and a guy on a bike rode onto the sidewalk. He was in complete control, but an elderly woman became incensed by his presence with 5 feet of her on the sidewalk. She turned to me, her face creased with rage: "did you see that?"
I didn't get what the big deal was, but she seemed really upset. I replied "I wonder if you should try meditating."
Yeah, that didn't go over very well. She began screeching at me about Jesus. I'm not into organized religion for myself, but don't get me wrong, Jesus is way cool. I don't see having a calm mind and loving Jesus as being mutually exclusive. In fact, I'm pretty sure He has some messages about not hurling stones, sharing, loving thy neighbors, etc.
Unfortunately, there's a perception of opposition between religious and spiritual systems and between bicyclists and pedestrians. But in fact, we're all on the same team. Was there something else I should have said to that woman?
A lot of people chat on the phone while riding their bikes. Not me. And especially not on trafficky Shattuck Avenue. But even with both hands occupied, this zebra lady is handling herself with ease.
Years ago, I was walking at this very spot, and a guy on a bike rode onto the sidewalk. He was in complete control, but an elderly woman became incensed by his presence with 5 feet of her on the sidewalk. She turned to me, her face creased with rage: "did you see that?"
I didn't get what the big deal was, but she seemed really upset. I replied "I wonder if you should try meditating."
Yeah, that didn't go over very well. She began screeching at me about Jesus. I'm not into organized religion for myself, but don't get me wrong, Jesus is way cool. I don't see having a calm mind and loving Jesus as being mutually exclusive. In fact, I'm pretty sure He has some messages about not hurling stones, sharing, loving thy neighbors, etc.
Unfortunately, there's a perception of opposition between religious and spiritual systems and between bicyclists and pedestrians. But in fact, we're all on the same team. Was there something else I should have said to that woman?
Friday, June 04, 2010
Banksy: This'll look nice when its framed.
San Francisco's Mission art scene is complex and multi-faceted. I was at my little co-op gallery, hanging a new show of old works for the month of May (now down), and a fellow artist there pointed out this graffiti across the street. He told me it was a famous tagger and people were coming by from all over to photograph and then blog about it.
Later, I read in San Francisco Magazine: "No one has verified international tagger Banksy's real identity, but locals suspect that this particular portrait of the artist as a young man was painted by him sometime between the late hours of April 20 and the wee hours of April 21, just days after San Francisco's primiere of his street-art documentary, Exit Through the Gift Shop. Though Banksy has managed to avoid the official art world for years, that hasn't stopped dealers from dismanteling his walls and selling them for $400,000-plus a pop. This piece joins nearly a dozen recent works attributed to the elusive tagger, his first big "showing" here. Let's hope our street cleaners are also discerning art critics." (pg 28, June 2010)
Alas, our street cleaners turned out not the be the problem. Within a couple days, another tagger, clearly jealous of all the attention this Banksy tag was getting, augmented it: "1 Man 1 Nite 1 Bike NOLA." Totally not cool, Man. I always thought taggers were reputedly respectful of each others' work -- that a mural on a wall was less likely to be graffitied on than a blank wall. Now I'm wondering if everyone feels so marginalized, so silenced, that they take every opportunity to scream their message even at the expense of their brethren.
Art is, of course, about expressing yourself, about emotion, and the challenges of being human on earth. It isn't easy whether you're talking about art, isolation, environmental degradation or any other number of a million things that could be on your mind. I'm hungry for a day when street artists respect each other again.
Back to business as usual, the wall was completely painted over again within a few days (not shown in photos here because that would be boring). The whole "event" recorded only on our cameras, blogs and magazines. I love living in the Mission because art is part of every way life. Banksy, tag us again. 1 Man, 1 Bike guy, find your own frigging wall to tag. Everyone else, use your imagination. I can't wait to see how you feel.
Later, I read in San Francisco Magazine: "No one has verified international tagger Banksy's real identity, but locals suspect that this particular portrait of the artist as a young man was painted by him sometime between the late hours of April 20 and the wee hours of April 21, just days after San Francisco's primiere of his street-art documentary, Exit Through the Gift Shop. Though Banksy has managed to avoid the official art world for years, that hasn't stopped dealers from dismanteling his walls and selling them for $400,000-plus a pop. This piece joins nearly a dozen recent works attributed to the elusive tagger, his first big "showing" here. Let's hope our street cleaners are also discerning art critics." (pg 28, June 2010)
Alas, our street cleaners turned out not the be the problem. Within a couple days, another tagger, clearly jealous of all the attention this Banksy tag was getting, augmented it: "1 Man 1 Nite 1 Bike NOLA." Totally not cool, Man. I always thought taggers were reputedly respectful of each others' work -- that a mural on a wall was less likely to be graffitied on than a blank wall. Now I'm wondering if everyone feels so marginalized, so silenced, that they take every opportunity to scream their message even at the expense of their brethren.
Art is, of course, about expressing yourself, about emotion, and the challenges of being human on earth. It isn't easy whether you're talking about art, isolation, environmental degradation or any other number of a million things that could be on your mind. I'm hungry for a day when street artists respect each other again.
Back to business as usual, the wall was completely painted over again within a few days (not shown in photos here because that would be boring). The whole "event" recorded only on our cameras, blogs and magazines. I love living in the Mission because art is part of every way life. Banksy, tag us again. 1 Man, 1 Bike guy, find your own frigging wall to tag. Everyone else, use your imagination. I can't wait to see how you feel.
Friday, May 28, 2010
overheard on 22nd Street
"She was, like, making out with everyone... which is, you know, awesome." (I got the feeling that he didn't really think it was "awesome" exactly.)
Thursday, May 27, 2010
quote of the day
From the SVBC bulletin:
"I relax by taking my bicycle apart and putting it back together again."
-Michelle Pfeiffer
"I relax by taking my bicycle apart and putting it back together again."
-Michelle Pfeiffer
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Romeo and Juliet
Last night, Julie and I went to the ballet. I have season tickets and have enjoyed Swan Lake, The Little Mermaid (my favorite -- I love her fishy movements) and, last night, Romeo and Juliet. We started the evening with a light meal at Samovar at the adorable corner of Page and Laguna. (I love the tea-food pairing.) After the show, we had a lovely dessert at Beretta, which (take note!) serves food until 1 am every night of the week.
But back to Romeo and Juliet...my friend Julie, a trained ballerina (Julliard, no less), said she had seen duets she'd liked better, but never duets with more passion expressed through them. I was sucked in when they danced, completely believing their love affair without words expressing it. I love visiting real estate open homes because you get a peak into people's lives. I will look in windows and watch their residents' private lives if given the opportunity. These duets felt like something real, like we were watching a private expression of how the two felt about each other. The dancers were really good actors.
Well, no, apparently not.
After the final bow, someone handed Davit Karapetyan (Romeo, from Yerevan, Armenia) a microphone. He thanked the audience, the orchestra, the cast, and then he proceeded to get down on one knee and propose marriage to Vanessa Zahorian (Juliet, from Allentown, PA). She nodded yes, and he placed a ring on her finger. (I, for one, was losing my body's moisture quickly through my eyes.) It was without a doubt the most authentically romantic thing I have ever seen in my life.
But back to Romeo and Juliet...my friend Julie, a trained ballerina (Julliard, no less), said she had seen duets she'd liked better, but never duets with more passion expressed through them. I was sucked in when they danced, completely believing their love affair without words expressing it. I love visiting real estate open homes because you get a peak into people's lives. I will look in windows and watch their residents' private lives if given the opportunity. These duets felt like something real, like we were watching a private expression of how the two felt about each other. The dancers were really good actors.
Well, no, apparently not.
After the final bow, someone handed Davit Karapetyan (Romeo, from Yerevan, Armenia) a microphone. He thanked the audience, the orchestra, the cast, and then he proceeded to get down on one knee and propose marriage to Vanessa Zahorian (Juliet, from Allentown, PA). She nodded yes, and he placed a ring on her finger. (I, for one, was losing my body's moisture quickly through my eyes.) It was without a doubt the most authentically romantic thing I have ever seen in my life.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Urban Homesteading
"'Alcohol is often the gateway to urban homesteading.'" I don't know about brewing cider (I prefer red wine) or making your own linen underwear. I am grateful for a community garden plot. But I'm just dying for a backyard of my own to grow food and chickens.
NYT: That Big Farm Called San Francisco
NYT: That Big Farm Called San Francisco
one of my favorite quotes
"Whether you think you can or think you can't, either way you are right."
-Henry Ford
-Henry Ford
Saturday, April 17, 2010
what's in your head
I no longer blog about anger management bc I'm no longer in a relationship with a person with anger management issues. But, that doesn't mean the ideas aren't still in my heart. K keeps me posted on interesting things that happen on her social workout blog. This week, it's Brad Robert's inspirational words about getting in shape with yoga, and, more interesting to me, how some other forms of exercise made him feel: "I kickboxed for a while, because it was fun to hit things. But, first of all, I smashed my foot. And then I noticed that, rather than being cathartic, kick boxing just made me more angry. I'd be walking down the street, and I'd see some guy, and I'd start thinking what would I do do to take him down. I'd be imagining: "MY ELBOW. YOUR NECK. I COULD KILL YOU!" I don't need that going on in my head."
One thing I think a lot about is what I want in my head. You get these things from the people you spend time with, the things you do, and your physical environment. For example, I don't think it's dis-loyal or bad in any way to avoid investing in people who are overly critical, negative or superficial. After all, it's my head, and I get to choose what to put in it. So, Roberts observations transcend anger management -- they're also about consciousness. You are what you do. (And, conversely, do what you are... do be do be do.)
I've been reading The Secret, which is just the same message again. Last night, I read the chapter on Health. It told stories of people curing cancer with funny movies. I've been under the weather lately; so, watching more TV than usual. I stream, and I ran out of shows to watch. This eventually resulted in the same outcome as if I had TV reception: crime television. I started watching CSI. Ugh. Those people are unhappy. They're solving crimes (where people are horrible to each other by definition). And the cinematography is dark. Yeah, here on my blog, I now state my commitment to fixing this problem.
One thing I think a lot about is what I want in my head. You get these things from the people you spend time with, the things you do, and your physical environment. For example, I don't think it's dis-loyal or bad in any way to avoid investing in people who are overly critical, negative or superficial. After all, it's my head, and I get to choose what to put in it. So, Roberts observations transcend anger management -- they're also about consciousness. You are what you do. (And, conversely, do what you are... do be do be do.)
I've been reading The Secret, which is just the same message again. Last night, I read the chapter on Health. It told stories of people curing cancer with funny movies. I've been under the weather lately; so, watching more TV than usual. I stream, and I ran out of shows to watch. This eventually resulted in the same outcome as if I had TV reception: crime television. I started watching CSI. Ugh. Those people are unhappy. They're solving crimes (where people are horrible to each other by definition). And the cinematography is dark. Yeah, here on my blog, I now state my commitment to fixing this problem.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The MAPP
A couple weekends ago, I had the magnificent joy to attend the MAPP, the Mission Arts & Performance Project, a bi-monthly, multidisciplinary, intercultural community arts event that takes place in the South-East neighborhood of the Mission District. It's my second favorite thing that happens in San Francisco all year round (first is Hardly Strictly Bluegrass). I'm not going to review our entire evening (fulled with Secret Gardens, soulful music, dancing, poetry about politics...), I'm just going to show you this photo I took of some of Carl Pisaturo incredibly cool robotic sculptures. Always a hit!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Silicon Valley Commuter
I snapped this guy waiting with me for the VTA Light Rail because he wore typical work clothes on his 10-speed. His helmet and backpack are funky, but he's more dressed up than your average commuter nerd in the Valley. Maybe he's in management?
Either way, he's got the best possible commute. No matter what happens at work, you can always count on your bike to make you smile at the end of the day.
Either way, he's got the best possible commute. No matter what happens at work, you can always count on your bike to make you smile at the end of the day.
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