This picture, from a spam email I got from a friend, reminded me of our heating situation in Petersberg, AK last year.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
One more thing about our Alaska vacation
This picture, from a spam email I got from a friend, reminded me of our heating situation in Petersberg, AK last year.
On things
The issue isn’t just having the right number of things. It’s having the right things: the right computer, the right phone, the right friends, the right boyfriend, the right internet connection, the right books, the right furniture, the right pictures of your family…. Sometimes that results in having too many things as each one doesn’t quite fit the bill in one small way or another. For things that it’s OK to have many of, that can work as long as it doesn’t get out of control. But some things you really want only one of, like your phone, and if the one you’ve got leaves unmet needs, there’s trouble.
I’m here to tell you that I now have 4 phones. Yes, you read that right: FOUR. I only go regularly to two places (my home and the office) and with mobile technology such as it is, I see no need to have more than one. Unfortunately, not everyone in my life agrees: my work, for example. They gave me a desk phone (so people can reach me by extension) and a mobile phone (for its walkie-talkie feature). I already had a mobile phone (for everything) and a LAN (for my doorbell when other people are at my apartment and for dial-up internet when necessary). I’m sure there’s some way to make these 4 numbers all ring in one little pocket phone, but me and one of the largest internet companies in the world are not that sophisticated. Or maybe I just haven’t asked the right people in the right way.
Technology is funny. After I got attacked by that crack whore last weekend (I’m not kidding), the police actually came to my house and left a message on my home answering machine bc they didn’t get the number from the 911 call that brought them to me. I KNOW that 911 could see my number; I learned that on television. So instead, they sent one of San Francisco’s finest to my house when I was at work to leave a message.
I recently heard that people are calling this the “golden age of television” bc it has so much competition its forced to innovate to keep its audience. Can that be true of other things? Like, when a relationship is unraveling, are its members forced to approach it with more creativity? The reason that isn’t the case (in my life anyway) is that when a relationship is unraveling it usually means that one or both members aren’t putting the needed energy into it to keep it going. It can’t be held up by one person trying harder bc what makes a relationship work is when both parties together become more than the sum of their parts. I believe to do that you have to free fall into and trust you’ll land on something soft and gentle at terminal velocity.
Accepting the premise that television is better now than it’s ever been (which I don’t have an opinion about since I don’t watch TV anymore), maybe television is better now bc it lacks the weight of its own success. Fewer people watch so fewer people judge. It’s no longer trying to please everyone. Now, it’s just trying to please itself and the few it can hold onto. But I’m just talking here.
I was returning a DVD to the library at 24th and Mission the other day with my backpack on my front. Two guys stood in front of a café. It was early morning. I overheard one saying to the other: “that one’s got great legs. She just needs to have her breasts fixed,” and then they laughed. Do guys really talk like that to each other?
I’m here to tell you that I now have 4 phones. Yes, you read that right: FOUR. I only go regularly to two places (my home and the office) and with mobile technology such as it is, I see no need to have more than one. Unfortunately, not everyone in my life agrees: my work, for example. They gave me a desk phone (so people can reach me by extension) and a mobile phone (for its walkie-talkie feature). I already had a mobile phone (for everything) and a LAN (for my doorbell when other people are at my apartment and for dial-up internet when necessary). I’m sure there’s some way to make these 4 numbers all ring in one little pocket phone, but me and one of the largest internet companies in the world are not that sophisticated. Or maybe I just haven’t asked the right people in the right way.
Technology is funny. After I got attacked by that crack whore last weekend (I’m not kidding), the police actually came to my house and left a message on my home answering machine bc they didn’t get the number from the 911 call that brought them to me. I KNOW that 911 could see my number; I learned that on television. So instead, they sent one of San Francisco’s finest to my house when I was at work to leave a message.
I recently heard that people are calling this the “golden age of television” bc it has so much competition its forced to innovate to keep its audience. Can that be true of other things? Like, when a relationship is unraveling, are its members forced to approach it with more creativity? The reason that isn’t the case (in my life anyway) is that when a relationship is unraveling it usually means that one or both members aren’t putting the needed energy into it to keep it going. It can’t be held up by one person trying harder bc what makes a relationship work is when both parties together become more than the sum of their parts. I believe to do that you have to free fall into and trust you’ll land on something soft and gentle at terminal velocity.
Accepting the premise that television is better now than it’s ever been (which I don’t have an opinion about since I don’t watch TV anymore), maybe television is better now bc it lacks the weight of its own success. Fewer people watch so fewer people judge. It’s no longer trying to please everyone. Now, it’s just trying to please itself and the few it can hold onto. But I’m just talking here.
I was returning a DVD to the library at 24th and Mission the other day with my backpack on my front. Two guys stood in front of a café. It was early morning. I overheard one saying to the other: “that one’s got great legs. She just needs to have her breasts fixed,” and then they laughed. Do guys really talk like that to each other?
Monday, March 12, 2007
Quotes from Charlie's email signature
"They say of the poet and the madman we all have a little...."
-Sandra Cisneros
"If we walk and walk and walk, people will call it a road."
-Korean Folk Saying
-Sandra Cisneros
"If we walk and walk and walk, people will call it a road."
-Korean Folk Saying
Sunday, March 11, 2007
NVC, part 2
Here are my notes and commentary from the rest of the other weekend’s NVC training:
• A 1 degree shift will lead you to someplace completely different down the road… and that’s all you can hope to get from a training.
• NVC is a mechanism thru which you should be able to connect with anyone (descriptively rather than prescriptively).
• Giving without any idea of reciprocation can be very gratifying – giving from a place of joy. I want to quibble with this one – I think everything we do is because of what we get, or can get, in return. I think even Mother Theresa did what she did because it made her feel good. Maybe that’s what this point means, but in which case, I don’t know what the alternative would be.
• We have needs. We develop strategies to get these needs met. However, these strategies often don’t work, or become obstacles to us getting our needs met. It’s when we get too attached to the strategies we’ve developed that problems arise.
• Demands are equally ineffective – a demand is when there are consequences if our needs aren’t met. Unstated demands are the most destructive. Instead we need to get back in touch with empathy for the other person.
• Some people asked about power struggles in relationships – apparently this is a big issue for many. Our trainer speculated that power struggles are derived from a lack of trust that the other person will meet one’s needs. Perhaps power is associated with a need for feeling safe. We all need to feel safe and autonomous, but we also need to find ways to get along.
• Another question was about what to do when your partner won’t self-assess. People felt frustrated because they end up not having their needs met and no understanding why. The trainer suggested that people examine their partners need for safety, or why they might feel unsafe self-assessing. I think that NVC isn’t really about “taking someone else’s inventory” (as I understand they say in 12-step). I believe NVC is about making sure our own needs are met and, because needs are universal, doing it right will lead our partners to understand our needs and look with us for strategies to have them met. On the other hand, if mutual assessment gives a feeling of intimacy, then perhaps one should look for other strategies that might generate that feeling.
• All this also leads back to the book “The 5 languages of love” that Rachel Berney told me about, and I have discussed before.
• We find friends and partners who behave as we expect people to behave, who meet our needs in ways we expect them to. Whether someone is culturally or just personally different, relating to them causes us stress.
• Hear other people’s requests as a beautiful song.
• Have a lot of question marks in your conversations about important issues – come from a place of inquiry. I think this means having an open heart to really hearing the other person rather than coming into conflicts with a per-determined outcome in mind. This reminds me of my observation about democracy in relationships.
• When you feel guilt, anger, shame it means that you are letting yourself embrace too many “shoulds”.
• When relating to others, connect with their needs that you want to be meeting.
• When someone reacts very strongly to something, deal with the reaction – that why you can still express your truth. This leads to connection….Gosh, I don’t really know what this one is supposed to mean.
• NVC: 1) observation (without judgement), 2) your feelings, 3) the need that you would like to have met, 4) a request, 5) “how does it feel to hear that?” Everything we say is “please help me get my needs met. Thank you for meeting my needs.” But make sure to flush it out – say why. Our trainer thanked a student for her enthusiasm this way, and it was, of course, very compelling. Much more compelling than just saying “thanks for you enthusiasm.” Try saying all kinds of things this way – it might even be too meaningful.
• A 1 degree shift will lead you to someplace completely different down the road… and that’s all you can hope to get from a training.
• NVC is a mechanism thru which you should be able to connect with anyone (descriptively rather than prescriptively).
• Giving without any idea of reciprocation can be very gratifying – giving from a place of joy. I want to quibble with this one – I think everything we do is because of what we get, or can get, in return. I think even Mother Theresa did what she did because it made her feel good. Maybe that’s what this point means, but in which case, I don’t know what the alternative would be.
• We have needs. We develop strategies to get these needs met. However, these strategies often don’t work, or become obstacles to us getting our needs met. It’s when we get too attached to the strategies we’ve developed that problems arise.
• Demands are equally ineffective – a demand is when there are consequences if our needs aren’t met. Unstated demands are the most destructive. Instead we need to get back in touch with empathy for the other person.
• Some people asked about power struggles in relationships – apparently this is a big issue for many. Our trainer speculated that power struggles are derived from a lack of trust that the other person will meet one’s needs. Perhaps power is associated with a need for feeling safe. We all need to feel safe and autonomous, but we also need to find ways to get along.
• Another question was about what to do when your partner won’t self-assess. People felt frustrated because they end up not having their needs met and no understanding why. The trainer suggested that people examine their partners need for safety, or why they might feel unsafe self-assessing. I think that NVC isn’t really about “taking someone else’s inventory” (as I understand they say in 12-step). I believe NVC is about making sure our own needs are met and, because needs are universal, doing it right will lead our partners to understand our needs and look with us for strategies to have them met. On the other hand, if mutual assessment gives a feeling of intimacy, then perhaps one should look for other strategies that might generate that feeling.
• All this also leads back to the book “The 5 languages of love” that Rachel Berney told me about, and I have discussed before.
• We find friends and partners who behave as we expect people to behave, who meet our needs in ways we expect them to. Whether someone is culturally or just personally different, relating to them causes us stress.
• Hear other people’s requests as a beautiful song.
• Have a lot of question marks in your conversations about important issues – come from a place of inquiry. I think this means having an open heart to really hearing the other person rather than coming into conflicts with a per-determined outcome in mind. This reminds me of my observation about democracy in relationships.
• When you feel guilt, anger, shame it means that you are letting yourself embrace too many “shoulds”.
• When relating to others, connect with their needs that you want to be meeting.
• When someone reacts very strongly to something, deal with the reaction – that why you can still express your truth. This leads to connection….Gosh, I don’t really know what this one is supposed to mean.
• NVC: 1) observation (without judgement), 2) your feelings, 3) the need that you would like to have met, 4) a request, 5) “how does it feel to hear that?” Everything we say is “please help me get my needs met. Thank you for meeting my needs.” But make sure to flush it out – say why. Our trainer thanked a student for her enthusiasm this way, and it was, of course, very compelling. Much more compelling than just saying “thanks for you enthusiasm.” Try saying all kinds of things this way – it might even be too meaningful.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Where it hurts
I help people get to work by what we call "alternative modes": public transportation, rideshare, bike, foot.... You can imagine that that means I have to know how to get there by each of these modes. So, yesterday morning starting at 5 AM, we biked the 45 miles to work. Of course, this is also really good multitasking since I need to start training for an event I, in a moment of apparent insanity, registered for a while back.
My body is letting me know that I haven't really been on a bike in several months. I feel it mostly in my butt and the inside of my knees. But I'm not actually suffering. What did hurt was getting up that early after a week of not getting enough sleep already. I went to bed at 9 PM last night.
So, I find myself working in the belly of the beast. It feels pretty good. Each day, I say at least something that could offend someone, and sometimes I don't realize it until I get home and mull over my day. That hurts too.
My body is letting me know that I haven't really been on a bike in several months. I feel it mostly in my butt and the inside of my knees. But I'm not actually suffering. What did hurt was getting up that early after a week of not getting enough sleep already. I went to bed at 9 PM last night.
So, I find myself working in the belly of the beast. It feels pretty good. Each day, I say at least something that could offend someone, and sometimes I don't realize it until I get home and mull over my day. That hurts too.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Wild Geese
We all know the poem by Mary Oliver. This morning, for the first time in many years, I listened to A Prairie Home Companion, and I had a revelation. Sure, you have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. But to make that work, you have to love more than you thought you could. The world of relationships has to be black and white to work: love completely or not at all.
Update
It's been less than a week since my last post, but it feels like much longer. I realize I owe you the rest on the NVC event. But here's what's been going on with me:
On Monday, I went back to the South Bay for a second interview with the big boss. We chatted for about 10 minutes when she said: "well, clearly, you're a culture fit, and" she motioned to my resume "clearly, you can do that job. So, how much money do you want?" (I'm paraphrasing in case it comes to that.) The short version is that I will be working down there 30 hours a week (3 or 4 days) for the next "26 weeks" (as my contract says). I'm thrilled and also completely exhausted already.
I started work on Thursday (altho, technically, my contract hadn't begun yet). This time, I took the correct shuttle (only after nearly getting on the wrong one for yet another company). The wifi on the shuttle worked OK, but I wasn't able to get my podcasts. I was able to surf pretty well. Of course, this is my job now, and we're talking about ways to improve on that... and if it's worth it to improve it.
The Professor and I went to first Thursday (when the downtown galleries are open late). One gallery (on the second floor of 77 Geary) had a really cool subway painting. Some friends of his from Oakland were having an opening party on 9th Street. So, we trekked up there for that. My favorite piece was a painting of a rather architecturally-bland hotel in yellow. His friend had made a huge horse out of styrofoam.
Friday night, my gallery had its party, and many folks came. I speculated about how I couldn't get myself a gig in the public or non-profit sectors, but it has been easy to find work in big business (non-transportation industry -- I now have 2). My bike guy suggested that it was my mascara. I don't know what that means. Shortly after, we got to speculating about what life is all about. We came to the conclusion that meaning is found in things that grow on their own: plants, work, relationships.... Things where you plant the seed and the rest happens on its own and surprises you.
Sailing yesterday was OK, but the company was good. My dinner plans ended early; so, I found myself watching a movie, Gloomy Sunday (after the Hungarian suicide song), with some of my girlfriends. I wondered how many women across the city were watching dvds on couches at that very moment. The film was really good, and Erika Marozsán is stunningly beautiful. Her character, however, wasn't very complex, and this lessened the effectiveness of the story. Afterall, pretty girls are a dime a dozen. Why did this one cause so much trouble?
I sit at the gallery today. I dropped one of my classes, but I need to catch up on the other one. I went for a run, which felt really good. I need to start training on the bike again. This cafe is loud.
On Monday, I went back to the South Bay for a second interview with the big boss. We chatted for about 10 minutes when she said: "well, clearly, you're a culture fit, and" she motioned to my resume "clearly, you can do that job. So, how much money do you want?" (I'm paraphrasing in case it comes to that.) The short version is that I will be working down there 30 hours a week (3 or 4 days) for the next "26 weeks" (as my contract says). I'm thrilled and also completely exhausted already.
I started work on Thursday (altho, technically, my contract hadn't begun yet). This time, I took the correct shuttle (only after nearly getting on the wrong one for yet another company). The wifi on the shuttle worked OK, but I wasn't able to get my podcasts. I was able to surf pretty well. Of course, this is my job now, and we're talking about ways to improve on that... and if it's worth it to improve it.
The Professor and I went to first Thursday (when the downtown galleries are open late). One gallery (on the second floor of 77 Geary) had a really cool subway painting. Some friends of his from Oakland were having an opening party on 9th Street. So, we trekked up there for that. My favorite piece was a painting of a rather architecturally-bland hotel in yellow. His friend had made a huge horse out of styrofoam.
Friday night, my gallery had its party, and many folks came. I speculated about how I couldn't get myself a gig in the public or non-profit sectors, but it has been easy to find work in big business (non-transportation industry -- I now have 2). My bike guy suggested that it was my mascara. I don't know what that means. Shortly after, we got to speculating about what life is all about. We came to the conclusion that meaning is found in things that grow on their own: plants, work, relationships.... Things where you plant the seed and the rest happens on its own and surprises you.
Sailing yesterday was OK, but the company was good. My dinner plans ended early; so, I found myself watching a movie, Gloomy Sunday (after the Hungarian suicide song), with some of my girlfriends. I wondered how many women across the city were watching dvds on couches at that very moment. The film was really good, and Erika Marozsán is stunningly beautiful. Her character, however, wasn't very complex, and this lessened the effectiveness of the story. Afterall, pretty girls are a dime a dozen. Why did this one cause so much trouble?
I sit at the gallery today. I dropped one of my classes, but I need to catch up on the other one. I went for a run, which felt really good. I need to start training on the bike again. This cafe is loud.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
NVC, part 1
Many of you may recall that I did a weekend-long workshop on Non-Violent Communication (NVC) a few years ago in Norwich, England. Sunday, I did a 3-hour introduction class thru Urban Alliance for Sustainability. To be perfectly honest, I am wary of throwing myself into the whole self-improvement universe – not because I don’t think I have a lot to improve, but rather because I think the vocabulary and mentality you learn alienates those who don’t ride that pony. I believe in the search for self-improvement, but only in the context of how everyone else relates and communicates.
I’m surprised that I’m able to draw in this recent quote:
Ilana said: it’s almost as if there are as many ways to have awkward interactions as there are people (with whom you can have them). (Here I begin to paraphrase) We have all these Miss Manners-type books prescribing how we should treat each other, and there’s still no one solution. We all still do it awkwardly.
That conversation was about something completely different… or was it? There isn’t any one right way to be with other people, and at the same time, we’ve all found ourselves offended when offense wasn’t intended or scratching our heads about a person’s real meaning. Yet, all each of us really wants is to be happy, to have people around us committed to our happiness, and to commit ourselves to the happiness of others. It should be so simple.
At the beginning of the workshop, several people stood up and stated their intensions for being there. People talked about getting away from judgment, about the desire to turn conflict into collaboration, about wanting to keep an open heat. This moved me.
Before the next step, we spent a moment discussing confidentiality. The upshot was that it’s OK to share your own experience, but not someone else’s. I will try to respect that request. They said: this is how trust is built; I disagree. I believe trust is built through acts that express empathy and compassion – this, of course, encompasses disclosure issues.
Our next step was to discuss our intensions for being there with 4 other attendees. I only spoke with 3, but thru that process, I devised 3 intensions, the local to the global:
1) to have happy intimate relationships
2) to do my job of convincing people to use efficient transportation better
3) to discuss national and international issues with people with differing views and promote a more democratic society in the process.
Interestingly, as I described my job to one (older) woman, I saw her face shut down. She had no interest in auto-addiction (not the words I used with her). When I reached “promoting a more democratic society” her face lit up. I realized that much of my movement is generational, and if we don’t the message through to people young enough, they might never be able to hear it. This is another reason why everyone should do a year abroad in school – it fosters an open mind.
I’m rambling on, and I would like to get to the point. I’ll do that another time….
I’m surprised that I’m able to draw in this recent quote:
Ilana said: it’s almost as if there are as many ways to have awkward interactions as there are people (with whom you can have them). (Here I begin to paraphrase) We have all these Miss Manners-type books prescribing how we should treat each other, and there’s still no one solution. We all still do it awkwardly.
That conversation was about something completely different… or was it? There isn’t any one right way to be with other people, and at the same time, we’ve all found ourselves offended when offense wasn’t intended or scratching our heads about a person’s real meaning. Yet, all each of us really wants is to be happy, to have people around us committed to our happiness, and to commit ourselves to the happiness of others. It should be so simple.
At the beginning of the workshop, several people stood up and stated their intensions for being there. People talked about getting away from judgment, about the desire to turn conflict into collaboration, about wanting to keep an open heat. This moved me.
Before the next step, we spent a moment discussing confidentiality. The upshot was that it’s OK to share your own experience, but not someone else’s. I will try to respect that request. They said: this is how trust is built; I disagree. I believe trust is built through acts that express empathy and compassion – this, of course, encompasses disclosure issues.
Our next step was to discuss our intensions for being there with 4 other attendees. I only spoke with 3, but thru that process, I devised 3 intensions, the local to the global:
1) to have happy intimate relationships
2) to do my job of convincing people to use efficient transportation better
3) to discuss national and international issues with people with differing views and promote a more democratic society in the process.
Interestingly, as I described my job to one (older) woman, I saw her face shut down. She had no interest in auto-addiction (not the words I used with her). When I reached “promoting a more democratic society” her face lit up. I realized that much of my movement is generational, and if we don’t the message through to people young enough, they might never be able to hear it. This is another reason why everyone should do a year abroad in school – it fosters an open mind.
I’m rambling on, and I would like to get to the point. I’ll do that another time….
Saturday, February 24, 2007
More thoughts on my favorite topic
Scientific American: relationships are what makes funny. One example given was Seinfeld. I’m not sure of the exact source.
I had a moment of clarity the other day about… you guessed it: relationships. The problem is that I don’t know exactly which words to use to describe it. But I think a key to a health relationship, to one that builds all parties up rather than takes them down, is democracy. That is, decisions are made together. Starting from the problem, and onto a un-pre-determined solution, determining together what will work for both people. This can be anything from what to do on Saturday to whether or not to continue the Relationship.
I’ve been with a different person each year for the past 4 years. The closeness (in time) of these relationships provides an unusual perspective on relationships, since everyone is so different. For example, 2004-2006 lacked democracy (although 2004 made up for it when I brought it to his attention). Countless studies have found that boys aren’t inclined towards collaboration. I also think that I’m attracted to pig-headedness. However, not all my boyfriends have approached our relationship undemocratically.
I had another sort of revelation recently. I love my gallery. I love sailing. I love jogging. I love my apartment. I love the articles I write. I love the study I’ve been contracted to do. I love my friends and my family. I love San Francisco. I love riding a bicycle. Basically, I love my life. Inviting anyone to be a closer part of my life would be such a big gamble, since I recently experienced so much unhappiness from doing that, I wonder if it would ever be worth that gamble. My happiness feels so precious and fragile; I want to protect it.
Carolyn tells me that I am significantly happier when I have a boyfriend. She also tells me that I was “profoundly unhappy” in my last relationship. So, where does that leave me? Well, I don’t know. I do know that I have developed a bit of distain for this idea of Love. It’s like Tam and I were saying last night: I always cry at weddings but not necessarily at funerals. Good things are dangerous – the more you have, the more you have to lose. And I don’t want people I love to lose that much. So, living in a place of having lost already is much safer.
I had a moment of clarity the other day about… you guessed it: relationships. The problem is that I don’t know exactly which words to use to describe it. But I think a key to a health relationship, to one that builds all parties up rather than takes them down, is democracy. That is, decisions are made together. Starting from the problem, and onto a un-pre-determined solution, determining together what will work for both people. This can be anything from what to do on Saturday to whether or not to continue the Relationship.
I’ve been with a different person each year for the past 4 years. The closeness (in time) of these relationships provides an unusual perspective on relationships, since everyone is so different. For example, 2004-2006 lacked democracy (although 2004 made up for it when I brought it to his attention). Countless studies have found that boys aren’t inclined towards collaboration. I also think that I’m attracted to pig-headedness. However, not all my boyfriends have approached our relationship undemocratically.
I had another sort of revelation recently. I love my gallery. I love sailing. I love jogging. I love my apartment. I love the articles I write. I love the study I’ve been contracted to do. I love my friends and my family. I love San Francisco. I love riding a bicycle. Basically, I love my life. Inviting anyone to be a closer part of my life would be such a big gamble, since I recently experienced so much unhappiness from doing that, I wonder if it would ever be worth that gamble. My happiness feels so precious and fragile; I want to protect it.
Carolyn tells me that I am significantly happier when I have a boyfriend. She also tells me that I was “profoundly unhappy” in my last relationship. So, where does that leave me? Well, I don’t know. I do know that I have developed a bit of distain for this idea of Love. It’s like Tam and I were saying last night: I always cry at weddings but not necessarily at funerals. Good things are dangerous – the more you have, the more you have to lose. And I don’t want people I love to lose that much. So, living in a place of having lost already is much safer.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Strange Timing
You know that my specialty is sharing too much. So, you won't be surprised to learn that I just had most of the hair removed from the lower half of my body for the first time in several months. (I'd even had a dream about it. The situation was dire.)
Afterwards, I headed to a cafe to use their wireless and finish a homework assignment. Here, I walked right up to the back of a man and asked him if he was leaving. Well, guess what? It was a boy I kissed at a party 5 years ago and haven't seen since. I'm not going to date him now, but I thought it was strange timing.
Afterwards, I headed to a cafe to use their wireless and finish a homework assignment. Here, I walked right up to the back of a man and asked him if he was leaving. Well, guess what? It was a boy I kissed at a party 5 years ago and haven't seen since. I'm not going to date him now, but I thought it was strange timing.
Cultural experience
Yesterday morning, I had an interview at a large internet company in the South Bay. I trekked down to 24th and Mission at the ungodly but designated time for its shuttle. There was a mob of young men in leather jackets, jeans, and new canvas laptop cases; so, I figured they must be my people. But I hung back to get on the shuttle last. It filled up, and ultimately a young man gave up his seat to let me ride to my interview.
The bus was really crowded, and they had turned 2 people away (including the guy who gave up his seat for me to make it to my interview). Since the job I interviewed for included running the shuttle service, I could see that I had my work cut out for me. I kept elbowing the guy next to me, and he kept nudging me. I wanted to believe he was hitting on me (he was pretty cute) but I was also aware of the reality of the situation.
The bus had wifi, and I noticed that everyone on the bus was using the email of a competing internet company. I thought that was rather odd.
The first stop was a full 20 minutes earlier than my stop was supposed to be, and I asked the guy next to me how many stops there are:
Him: 4, I think
Me: the schedule they gave me only included 2
Him: some are new, I think.
Me: I’m trying to get to X business park. What city are we in?
Him (shrugging): this is the main campus.
The 3 other women on the bus got off together, looking rather eccentric, and walked together towards one of the buildings. Most everyone else (young men in leather jackets) had a different stop – a stop clearly for the competing internet company. At the last stop, one guy asked me: do you know where you’re going?
Me: No
Him: Did they give you a building number?
I mentioned the company name…. well, it turned out I had gotten on the wrong company’s bus. I guess I thought multiple companies might share buses.
The person interviewing me later clarified that there are actually 4 companies with shuttles from SF to their South Bay campus: eBay, Genetech, Google, and Yahoo!. The shuttle driver dropped me at another shuttle stop where that shuttle arrived shortly and took me to the Caltrain station. Then, another shuttle took me from the Caltrain station to the proper campus. I was only 30 minutes late. I wonder if I could have walked.
So, basically, I toured the South Bay by public transit, and the dot com thing still happening there. The person interviewing me wanted to know all about the other company’s shuttle facilities: what kind of transponder did they have? Yeah, I checked that right after I got on the bus. (Not.) But I was a bit of a company spy already having had that experience. She said they’d had some turnover in the position managing the shuttle which might explain the inadequate capacity.
Who knows what will happen, but I’m kind of excited about trying an entirely different sector of the economy. The obvious jobs for me I already know have undesirable aspects. I’m less excited about the commute, but it got to feeling almost romantic to me on that bus ride down, like we were these people who do this crazy thing and it’s like meditation – something that you do that you don’t really understand but is fun anyway. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Someone please kiss me to shut me up.
The bus was really crowded, and they had turned 2 people away (including the guy who gave up his seat for me to make it to my interview). Since the job I interviewed for included running the shuttle service, I could see that I had my work cut out for me. I kept elbowing the guy next to me, and he kept nudging me. I wanted to believe he was hitting on me (he was pretty cute) but I was also aware of the reality of the situation.
The bus had wifi, and I noticed that everyone on the bus was using the email of a competing internet company. I thought that was rather odd.
The first stop was a full 20 minutes earlier than my stop was supposed to be, and I asked the guy next to me how many stops there are:
Him: 4, I think
Me: the schedule they gave me only included 2
Him: some are new, I think.
Me: I’m trying to get to X business park. What city are we in?
Him (shrugging): this is the main campus.
The 3 other women on the bus got off together, looking rather eccentric, and walked together towards one of the buildings. Most everyone else (young men in leather jackets) had a different stop – a stop clearly for the competing internet company. At the last stop, one guy asked me: do you know where you’re going?
Me: No
Him: Did they give you a building number?
I mentioned the company name…. well, it turned out I had gotten on the wrong company’s bus. I guess I thought multiple companies might share buses.
The person interviewing me later clarified that there are actually 4 companies with shuttles from SF to their South Bay campus: eBay, Genetech, Google, and Yahoo!. The shuttle driver dropped me at another shuttle stop where that shuttle arrived shortly and took me to the Caltrain station. Then, another shuttle took me from the Caltrain station to the proper campus. I was only 30 minutes late. I wonder if I could have walked.
So, basically, I toured the South Bay by public transit, and the dot com thing still happening there. The person interviewing me wanted to know all about the other company’s shuttle facilities: what kind of transponder did they have? Yeah, I checked that right after I got on the bus. (Not.) But I was a bit of a company spy already having had that experience. She said they’d had some turnover in the position managing the shuttle which might explain the inadequate capacity.
Who knows what will happen, but I’m kind of excited about trying an entirely different sector of the economy. The obvious jobs for me I already know have undesirable aspects. I’m less excited about the commute, but it got to feeling almost romantic to me on that bus ride down, like we were these people who do this crazy thing and it’s like meditation – something that you do that you don’t really understand but is fun anyway. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Someone please kiss me to shut me up.
Hey baby, can I fix your bike?
Yes, you read that right. I just had a lovely second date where a guy I met a couple weeks ago began fixing my bike. There was a roommate crisis which required him to rush off, but first I locked my bike in his office. I’m not sure if the rush-off was intended (even subconsciously) to be passive-aggressive. I’m not sure if the locking of the bike in his office was intended to tie me down. The date was one of my best in a while. I think it was because we were doing something I enjoy doing (rather than sitting around over drinks and talking, which can be boring), and because there was a nice energy going.
I guess the other good date this season was one with The Professor, but he ruined it by telling me, apropos of nothing, in gruesome detail about his then-girlfriend’s miscarriage. I’m still traumatized. Even though it wasn’t meant to be, many other aspects of that date were good.
My flirtation with the young sailor continues. At least now we have each other’s phone numbers. My other sailing buddies say I should just ask him on a date, but I’m just not there. They say I am too friendly with everyone, and the guy I like might not know that… I like him particularly. But I prefer to keep things light and non-committal.
Which reminds me of something else I’ve been meaning to do for a while: write down all my favorite original quotes. When my sailing friend said I was too friendly, I quoted my mother:
“It’s easy to make people feel shitty about themselves. Most people already do. If you want a challenge, why not try to make people feel good about themselves.”
Thus, my “excessive” friendliness. She replied that I do a pretty good job of making her feel good about herself. :-)
Another quote that I love, from Kate Gordon, who I went to grad school with:
“If you are asking yourself these questions (is it happening?), then it isn’t happening.” Or, in other words, when it’s happening, you aren’t questioning it. “When it’s right; it’s right” (not an original quote).
I will continue to jot down these quotes as I remember them.
I guess the other good date this season was one with The Professor, but he ruined it by telling me, apropos of nothing, in gruesome detail about his then-girlfriend’s miscarriage. I’m still traumatized. Even though it wasn’t meant to be, many other aspects of that date were good.
My flirtation with the young sailor continues. At least now we have each other’s phone numbers. My other sailing buddies say I should just ask him on a date, but I’m just not there. They say I am too friendly with everyone, and the guy I like might not know that… I like him particularly. But I prefer to keep things light and non-committal.
Which reminds me of something else I’ve been meaning to do for a while: write down all my favorite original quotes. When my sailing friend said I was too friendly, I quoted my mother:
“It’s easy to make people feel shitty about themselves. Most people already do. If you want a challenge, why not try to make people feel good about themselves.”
Thus, my “excessive” friendliness. She replied that I do a pretty good job of making her feel good about herself. :-)
Another quote that I love, from Kate Gordon, who I went to grad school with:
“If you are asking yourself these questions (is it happening?), then it isn’t happening.” Or, in other words, when it’s happening, you aren’t questioning it. “When it’s right; it’s right” (not an original quote).
I will continue to jot down these quotes as I remember them.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Time Travel
Speaking of heartbreak (Quack quack, speaking of ducks), I stopped by Creativity Explored a couple days ago, and they had a fiber sculpture in their window a little like my aunt Judy, the famous fiber sculptor, used to make. Next month it will have been 2 years since her death. I also saw Donnie Darko recently. Despite all of the times it’s been recommended to me, it was OK. I didn’t share its particular interest in insanity and time travel – I thought it missed the point. To me, time travel is appealing to be with loved ones.
Time travel is the only way that we are all always together – I don't think memory is a strong enough word for it. I have wondered what makes now the moment we live in especially when I first wake from dreaming. Maybe it’s a decision. We can also choose to feel like the real present is the time when we were with the ones we love. I think this makes sleeping so appealing when heartbroken. Of course, I think this also compels us to be careful about how we spend our waking life – to focus on the loves we have.
Time travel is the only way that we are all always together – I don't think memory is a strong enough word for it. I have wondered what makes now the moment we live in especially when I first wake from dreaming. Maybe it’s a decision. We can also choose to feel like the real present is the time when we were with the ones we love. I think this makes sleeping so appealing when heartbroken. Of course, I think this also compels us to be careful about how we spend our waking life – to focus on the loves we have.
Guess! ...OK, I'll tell you: Relationships
One of the sailing teachers is an older gentleman named Neil. He’s getting married this weekend. I first met Neil a few months ago when he, another sailing student named Joyce, and I went on a cruise to Sam’s in Tiburon for some vegetable soup. It was a really special day.
You know me, within about 5 minutes, I had them both talking about their loves and losses and what they thought it all meant. Neil took a class in relationships, and he’d learned some very interesting things there that both Joyce and I have been telling our friends ever since. The bottom line is that relationships work best when you are with someone just like you in 3 ways. I’ll try to explain what they are:
1) Assertive vs. receptive… or, as Neil described it, masculine vs. feminine. That is, whether you live in the world responding to others’ needs or expressing your own needs.
2) How you respond to things: people react to the events of their lives in a variety of ways: action, emotion, analysis…. And as time passes, that reaction moves to the next type of reaction. For example, you first react to something upsetting by yelling (action) and then the next day you might start to analyze how to fix it and only a while later do you begin to process your feelings about it. Each person, Neil learned, does this differently; you’ll get along well with someone who does it most similarly to your way.
3) Focus… are you a tinkerer or do you fixate? When approaching a project, it matters if you become obsessed with it or if you graze or even how often you forget what you’re working on or what else you’re doing. I wanted to call this competence as Neil described it, but that’s too value-laden for this application.
You know me, within about 5 minutes, I had them both talking about their loves and losses and what they thought it all meant. Neil took a class in relationships, and he’d learned some very interesting things there that both Joyce and I have been telling our friends ever since. The bottom line is that relationships work best when you are with someone just like you in 3 ways. I’ll try to explain what they are:
1) Assertive vs. receptive… or, as Neil described it, masculine vs. feminine. That is, whether you live in the world responding to others’ needs or expressing your own needs.
2) How you respond to things: people react to the events of their lives in a variety of ways: action, emotion, analysis…. And as time passes, that reaction moves to the next type of reaction. For example, you first react to something upsetting by yelling (action) and then the next day you might start to analyze how to fix it and only a while later do you begin to process your feelings about it. Each person, Neil learned, does this differently; you’ll get along well with someone who does it most similarly to your way.
3) Focus… are you a tinkerer or do you fixate? When approaching a project, it matters if you become obsessed with it or if you graze or even how often you forget what you’re working on or what else you’re doing. I wanted to call this competence as Neil described it, but that’s too value-laden for this application.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Today's bleak thought
Is it possible that happy endings are only happy when you stop the story at the happy part? I mean, time is continuous, but stories begin and end where the storyteller decides they do. So, the decision about whether a story is happy or sad depends entirely on when you decide it ends. And every story ends somewhere.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Thoughts on Trainspotting
Given the rainy day and my hangover, I watched a movie this afternoon, Trainspotting. So much better than last night but I had to pause a few points because I was so disgusted with the needles and the shit. This movie is painful to watch. At the end, the main character steals the money from his friends and runs off for a new life -- he chooses life, in his own words. And it was clear that unless he did something horrible like that, there was no way he was going to get out from under their destructiveness. This act made it necessary for him to stay away.
This reminded me of a phenomenon I learned about from Friends (the TV show) when a guy acts like a total jerk so his girlfriend will break up with him and he doesn't have to do it. Or even how our bodies, when we're sick, make us smell bad to keep others away. Obviously, a kind person would not use this kind of mechanism intentionally, but the Ewan McGregor character never claimed to be a kind person. I like kind people, and I intend to be one. That said, a lot can be said for subconscious sabotage especially when one is pushed to the wall.
This reminded me of a phenomenon I learned about from Friends (the TV show) when a guy acts like a total jerk so his girlfriend will break up with him and he doesn't have to do it. Or even how our bodies, when we're sick, make us smell bad to keep others away. Obviously, a kind person would not use this kind of mechanism intentionally, but the Ewan McGregor character never claimed to be a kind person. I like kind people, and I intend to be one. That said, a lot can be said for subconscious sabotage especially when one is pushed to the wall.
Parties and a film review
I guess the first full week in February is a big social week – Monday was the sailing club’s quarterly meeting which was super fun. I like those guys. Tuesday was Love on Wheels (SFBC’s annual Valentine’s Day party) and another party I enjoyed too. Last night was the opening Gala for SF Indie Fest – the independent film festival.
I went with Gabriel – we decided to volunteer at the last minute in order to get into the sold-out show and party. So, I got to boss a lot of people around to keep them from going the wrong way. The opening film was
The Gala was at the
Gabe had a lot of schmoozing to do while I either tagged along or, later, danced. I left at about 1 with a guy who’s trying to set up an alternative film festival in
The rain is cramping my style, and it seems like it’s going to be a low-key weekend. Now, I’m looking forward to that. I have a lot of work to do.
Turned tables
I’m sure context is everything, but, by comparison with my January breakup, I replied to The Professor (paraphrased so as not to include too much information): “You’re so sweet. Of course, I want to be friends. I mean, I thought we were friends. I’m happy for you.”
I’m not holding myself as some kind of model when being broken up with. I’m most certainly not. Trust me! But these situations were somewhat similar – only a few dates but for various reasons it was still important to say something. In examining them and other breakups, the answer might be in reach (how much you’ve given to the relationship considering your comfort level with giving that without anything in return) or expectations (how much you hoped the relationship would continue and grow). I guess in a way the two are related since you wouldn’t give too much if you didn’t believe in the relationship. But it seems like we should date people we want to be friends with (that is, unless they’ve ripped your heart out and spat on it) – at least, that’s why I was confused by my January man. The psychobabble might be that the healthy approach to dating is to believe in the possibilities without over-reaching. This reminds me of a poem I have on the bulletin board in my kitchen:
even after all this time,
the sun never says to the earth
you owe me.
look what happens
with a love like that:
It lights up the whole sky.
hafiz
Yeah, so, I don’t know how to do that, but it’s good to have goals. I feel like I just, this hung over morning, changed stages. I wonder if it will stick, and what’s next.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
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