What? What do you want from me?

I’m stuck in a holding pattern. I just spent a moment reading blog entries from last year. Why have I repeated the same year twice (with the exception of losing 2 very dear family members)? Am I not ready? Did I miss the lesson? Did I do it wrong? Are these the final turns of my Saturn returning?

So many things were similar between this winter and last. I don’t know how to start thinking about it. I mean, I feel optimistic, even excited about the coming spring, and while I had a fine time in both 2004 and 2005, I’m really interested in growing, in learning, in changing. When I planned to go to Europe again last year, it was for the next level: I would speak at the conference I attended the year before; I would actually do a bicycle trip; I would not let my relationship fall apart; I would actually speak French. Looking back, it seems more like an excuse to keep running. My friendships with people there are deeper, but that just makes me miss them when I’m at home. My career has certainly advanced, even if just in my own mind, but that’s just more responsibility. We stayed together until I got home, only to find that I had chosen, for the second time, a man who wasn’t ready for phase 2 (or at least not with me).

Meanwhile, I feel like my writings not as interesting as it used to be (probably because I haven’t been reading). I jump around too much. I’m not making my point, mostly because I don’t know what it is (sound familiar). At least at this point I’ve completely lost interest in social smoking. That’s a win. So, what? Is this who I am? Who I’m going to be? Is life this cyclical thing – we just take the merry-go-round round and round until we puke? I really don’t want to believe that, but it’s hard not to wonder.

My mother would say, “that’s just your story until it stops being your story.” None of us wants to become our mothers, but in this way her life is inspiring. She made more mistakes than God, and with each disaster and disappointment, she lifted herself back up again and thought of something else. Can we become new and improved versions of our mothers and be happy with that?

I don’t know why you keep talking to me. I have work to do. Leave me alone.

You see? Is it me or is it the world? – that’s what Marie and I used to ask ourselves, and her life for sure has radically changed. This was way back when she wanted to sleep with about 25 more guys and I just wanted to find a relationship that didn’t feel like an airless closet. Her goal turned out to be more realistic. Now, she’s married. Maybe I’m the one who isn’t ready.

Seriously now, I have to go. I have real work to do with a real deadline. Maybe I’ll take a break and eat something…. My grief diet is wearing thin.