Friends

We convened another focus group on the friendship issue, and I have some notes to report. First of all, this group had trouble understanding the question which resulted in a change in terminology. When they thought about “best friends”, they thought of exclusive arrangements between 2 elementary-school aged children. So, we’re changing the name to “tier 1 friends”.

Secondly, they rejected the housekeys measurement. One pair will give their keys to almost anyone, and another pair isn’t allowed to give their keys to anyone (they say “do not duplicate”).

Otherwise, the group accepted the original definition with modifications. They believed that it’s not just people you would call in the middle of the night, but people you would call in case of an emergency. On the other hand, your “emergency contact” info you give to your work is too limiting.

I am reminded of Dar Williams’s song The Blessings (skip this part if not interested – more below):
If you’re gonna get your heart broke, you better do it just right,
It’s gotta be raining, and you gotta move your stuff that night,
And the only friend you can reach isn’t a good friend at all,
And you know when he says ’now who dumped who? ’ that you never should have made
That call.

I had the blessings, there’s nobody there, there’s nobody home,
Yeah the blessings, at the moment I was most alone
And aimless as a fulltime fool, the joke was on me,
I got all those birds flying off of that tree, and that’s a blessing.

And the blessings were like poets that we never find time to know,
But when time stopped I found the place where the poets go.
And they said, ’here have some coffee, it’s straight, black and very old,’
And they gave me sticks and rocks and stars and all that I could hold,

I had the blessings, a moment of peace even when the night ends,
Yeah the blessings, can we meet? can we meet again,
At the crossroads of disaster and the imperfect smile,
With the angel in the streetlamp that blinks on as I walk on a mile, the blessings.

And the best ones were the ones I got to keep as I grew strong,
And the days that opened up until my whole life could belong,
And now I’m getting the answers, when I don’t need them anymore,
I’m finding the pictures, and I finally know what I kept them for,
I remember, I can see them, see them smiling, see them stuck,
See them try, I wish them luck and all the blessings.

I was fast asleep at three in the morning when I got the payphone call,
And she said, ’did I wake you up,’ I said, ’hey, no, not at all.’
And she said, ’i got this suitcase and I don’t know what to pack,’
And I said, ’you can take anything you want, just wait and see,
It’s not a release, not a reward, it’s the blessings,
Its the gift of what you notice more,'
And I walked out and I watched her kick the big pile of the night,
And we sat down and we waited for that strange and empty light.
Yeah the blessings...

See them smiling, see them stuck,
See them try, I wish them luck and all the blessings.
***

We look to the poetry in our lives for lessons about how to live and love. And the way poetry reaches us now is thru music. So, I’m just thinking of this now, but maybe a tier 1 friend is one who knows what you need in an emergency. Like a definition of “home” I’ve heard, where “no one can kick you out.” The company of a tier 1 friend is a kind of home.

That makes a nice transition into another of their responses, which was in agreement with Lee on Friday night, a friend is a feeling not an action. But, as planners and scientists, I think I was able to convince them that feelings manifest themselves into actions that can be observed.

They also did not believe that this definition has a gender bias. They believe that my online conversant who said it did just didn’t have any good male friends. They questioned my “is local” requirement, but I’m just not willing to budge on that one. I mean, I guess if you talk on the phone with someone often and manage to be in the same place once a month some of these emotional needs could be met by that person, but what about when your neighbor’s apartment is broken into and the cops won’t let you enter your home? You’ll need a good smattering of local friends, or at least one good one whose housekeys you have, to support you thru that.

I’m sometimes known for my graveyard of former best (female) friends. There are more of them who are “dead to me” than ex-lovers (of whom there are very few). Each of these relationships is marked by intensity of feelings, and I have no qualm with admitting to being emotionally intense. I adored Marie, Bree, and Kathy. Nicole was strangely obsessed with me. Fundamentally, what didn’t work about these relationships was that our expectations didn’t match.

I’m not really interested in examining how one chooses one’s tier 1 friends (right now?). My point is that tier 1 friends need to individually agree upon the level of loyalty and support they provide each other. Sometimes I wonder if it came down to feelings. Maybe Marie just didn’t like me enough to provide the friendship loyalty I expected? Maybe I didn’t like Nicole enough? That might have been the case some of the time, but I actually really don’t think so. More likely, one of us did something the other didn’t like, and the whole thing spiraled from there: Kate refusing to help me with the asparagus (and then I refused to go to Berkeley to see her), Daagya dating the boy I liked (and then I told people I didn’t respect her), me deciding not to move to NYC with Bree (and then she took our roommates’ side against me at our house in Berkeley). I think Kate really valued my friendship. I think Daagya was young and liked having her ego stroked (and other parts of her too, I imagine). I think Bree, also, was inexperienced with friendship. I want to say that it comes down to depth of feelings, but, in my coldest, clearest moments, I know it’s about skill.

I hope, I would like to believe, that as we get older and more emotionally mature, even the most emotional among us (me?) learn this skill. We know to approach friendship cautiously, not to jump into anything before we feel confident that both sides can meet loyalty expectations. There are a lot of people out there who just don’t belong in your tier 1, and the kind, the humane thing to do is not to give them the impression they can reside there.

Yeah, it’s not different than Relationships. It’s the same. Maybe you’re screening for a tall skinny guy with gray eyes and a lovely sonorous voice whom you have challenging conversations with, but if you’re going to spend a chunk of time with him, he should be able to offer friendship even if the romance turns sour. (It’s one thing if you can’t do it bc you feel too strongly, but totally unacceptable if you can’t do it bc you lack the skill.)

I know lots of marriages that have ended when someone had a death in the family and just didn’t get the support they needed from their spouse. At the same time, death is everywhere. Moments die. Ideas become obsolete. In the end, all you have is dust, flakes of skin once holding your body together, now garbage. And maybe we can find instruction from each of these tiny deaths on how the larger ones would go. I don’t know.

Getting back to the main point, at least a little, I want to repeat that I have had a really bad year. These are the times when you find out who your friends are. Maybe it’s as simple as that. When you have a really shitty time, it’s the people who stand by you, who say the right things, who always make it better rather than worse, those are the people you know you can safely give your heart to, and those are the people who are your friends.

(Of course, hopefully, you don’t have to experience a crisis to figure out who your friends are. But it’s always worth paying attention.)

Dar Williams has more thoughts on the subject in her song, My Friends:
"He's a quiet man," that's all she said
And he's a thoughtful man
It's just he likes to keep his thoughts up in his head
And we finally meet, and she tries to draw him out a bit
She says "He's writing something,
Hey now, why don't you talk about it?"
And he doesn't make a sound
He's just staring at his coffee
And I know there's all this beauty
And this greatness she'll defend
But I think it's in my friend
I have a friend in a bright and distant town
She's found a common balance
Where you do your work, and you do your love
And they pay you, and praise your many talents
Well I'm passing through, and we know we won't sleep
She laughs, puts up the tea
She says "You know I think you remember every part of me."
And the water starts to boil
And if I had a camera
Showing all the light we give
And showing where the light extends
I'd give it to my friends
Sometimes I see myself fine, sometimes I need a witness
And I like the whole truth
But there are nights I only need forgiveness
Sometimes they say "I don't know who you are
But let me walk with you some"
And I say "I am alone, that's all
You can't save me from all the wrong I've done."
But they're waiting just the same
With their flashlights and their semaphores
And I'll act like I have faith and like that faith never ends
But I really just have friends