[Dear Liliapilia] Looking for Love with... flashlights?

Dear Liliapilia:

I have recently re-joined the ranks of the dating after years of being in a relationship that ran its course.

I am finding the signals between men and women a bit confusing. With the effort to create groovy, pro-feminist, relationships based on equality, I'm never quite sure when to make the next move. I'm certainly willing to, just don't know what is expected, or when exactly to make that move. Perhaps I'm just out of practice.

I am reminded of this great gag gift that was once presented to a single friend of mine at her birthday party. It was a little flashlight that had two buttons on it, one red and one green. This device was called the "Dating Flashlight." Its function was simple. From even the darkest party and at a distance a person could let their potential suitor know whether they had a green light to proceed, or a red light that means 'don't bother.'

Wouldn't dating be so much easier if we all were issued Dating Flashlights?

Signed,

Lost One Vicariously Engaged - Looking into Gadgets that Help Today
(LOVELIGHT)

(I received this advice letter a while back and kept it flagged in my inbox ever since, to write my response and post it as part of my series on relationships.)

Dear LOVELIGHT,

I used to wish everyone would just keep their status on their shirt. You could just look at a person’s sleeve and it would say: “in a relationship” or “single” or “newly single and not ready” or “single with hang ups.” Then, I thought, people could list their references too, so that the rest of us could avoid getting involved with jerks. Maybe, like job applications, everyone would list the reasons all their previous relationships ended (but you would have to honest). That way, we could each individually assess not only if it’s worth hitting on someone but also if that person would be able to give us what we’re looking for at that moment.

That would be very useful to those single and looking. I’m as guilty as anyone else for occasionally hitting on guys with girlfriends I didn’t know about. Likewise, about once a year, someone randomly hits on me, usually on BART. Sometimes, it’s someone who I would just never be interested in (like a woman, a man who doesn’t have an email address, or one far too young or old for me). Sometimes, I’m not single. So, it’s more than just relationship status. It would be helpful to know if someone is only attracted to men or petite blonds or women of a certain ethnicity or anyone foreign. Can we get that on the shirt too?

Of course not. And here’s why: people are not commodities. You don’t acquire them. They are not owned. (Interestingly, it just occurred to me that most things are owned, wanted or not. When in a relationship, partners should always want each other.) If someone interests you, you should get to know them regardless of their relationship status or sexual preferences.

We all have needs. We need food, water, air…. We also need love, physical affection, emotional support, companionship…. But it makes me furious that every song in the top 40 since the dawn of time has been about romantic relationships in a very rigid, traditional way. I believe that as a culture, we are brainwashed to believe that that is the only way to be in the world. Freud said that the indicators of sanity are the ability to work and to love. But is there only one way to love? Does it have to look a certain way?

There is so much pressure to couple that people do it thoughtlessly. People reject real love out of fear and stay in “Relationships” too long because of expectation. All those songs preach about one kind of love because that’s the only time some people allow themselves to feel strongly. But they create an unrealistic idea of what it is to be with another person.

I say all this from the place I am now. When I first read this advice letter, I was going to talk about going for numbers or hoping for fate as the 2 potential approaches. Now I believe that looking for a relationship necessarily leads to its commodification. I don’t want to ride the relationship merry-go-round ever again. Yeah, it’ll suck to try to buy a house on one income, but other people can’t be trusted anyway.

So, my advice to you, LOVELIGHT, is to chill out. Why do you feel like you need to date? These shirts or flashlights are not going to help you find a special connection. Invest in people you like regardless of what they can offer you. If it’s meant to be, it’ll find a way to be. And if it isn’t, you didn’t want it anyway, trust me.