"Legend has it that while St. Valentine was in prison--awaiting execution for defying a Roman emperor's edict against conducting marriages--he fell in love with his jailor's blind daughter.
"Through unwavering faith, the story says, Valentine restored the woman's sight. Then, before his execution, he slipped her a farewell note signed "from your Valentine"--the original Valentine's card."
-KnowledgeNews
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
scraps
There are several very important things I should be doing, but I'm tired and I don't want to do any of them. Instead, I want to transcribe the scribblings on the scraps of paper on my desk:
Jane Hirshfield's work process (a poet): she never feels like she's writing, and then after a while she finds she has a book, and then she calls her publisher. (this is how I feel, without the part about the publisher.)
unmixed attention is prayer.
he sings not to fill the world but bc he is filled.
even the most authoritative statement can be asking a question under the surface. we live in an age of pronouncement.
ideology separates us; dreams and anguish bring us together.
a sweater is something you wear when your mother is cold.
Jane Hirshfield's work process (a poet): she never feels like she's writing, and then after a while she finds she has a book, and then she calls her publisher. (this is how I feel, without the part about the publisher.)
unmixed attention is prayer.
he sings not to fill the world but bc he is filled.
even the most authoritative statement can be asking a question under the surface. we live in an age of pronouncement.
ideology separates us; dreams and anguish bring us together.
a sweater is something you wear when your mother is cold.
My congestion pricing article: Tube Times Feb/Mar 06
Tube Times
My congestion pricing article is in the current issue. You have to look at the pdf to read it.
My congestion pricing article is in the current issue. You have to look at the pdf to read it.
Love on Wheels
Love on Wheels
I've been to SFBC's Valentine's Day event several times, but this time I entered their dating game. It's just like the old dating game: one person chooses among 3 eligible other people (of the gender the one person is attracted to) with out seeing them, based on their answers to a series of questions (this time on biking). When I signed up, I really hoped to be, even imagined I would be, the chooser. That's really what I thought would happen. But it wasn't. I sat with 2 other lovely ladies and answered questions about biking and dating. And guess what? I won!
I won a gift certificate for dinner that is intended to be used with the guy who picked me. I also got asked out by 2 other guys. Yikes! :-)
I've been to SFBC's Valentine's Day event several times, but this time I entered their dating game. It's just like the old dating game: one person chooses among 3 eligible other people (of the gender the one person is attracted to) with out seeing them, based on their answers to a series of questions (this time on biking). When I signed up, I really hoped to be, even imagined I would be, the chooser. That's really what I thought would happen. But it wasn't. I sat with 2 other lovely ladies and answered questions about biking and dating. And guess what? I won!
I won a gift certificate for dinner that is intended to be used with the guy who picked me. I also got asked out by 2 other guys. Yikes! :-)
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Have some butter; it's good for you.
Independent Online Edition > Americas
Recent, extensive study finds that a low-fat diet does not improve health. However, they did not distinguish between types of fat. I disagree with the researchers: there is nothing "disappointing" about these results!
Recent, extensive study finds that a low-fat diet does not improve health. However, they did not distinguish between types of fat. I disagree with the researchers: there is nothing "disappointing" about these results!
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
My mother on Happiness
"Meanwhile I vote for dancing and singing. Maureen's been telling me of studies in England with making villages happy. It seems having the villagers join choirs and also dance increased the happiness quotient by more than 50%. I think that's quite amazing, not therapy, singing..."
Monday, February 06, 2006
email excerpt on Relationships
...I agree that it's more about the feelings than the action. But I also think that in a LTR, it's normal to get excited about other people. It doesn't mean you want to sleep with them (but sometimes it does and that doesn't mean you are going to) and it certainly doesn't mean that you are any less committed to the Relationship that you're in. I say this because I am sure it will come up for you again, and I hope you will handle it better next time. Life is long and contains a lot of interesting people, but that shouldn't prevent true love from surviving.
Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? I love it. In case you don't know it: George and Meredith and roomates, and they also work together at the hospital. Meredith gets a dog which George hates. George says, "you have to choose between me and the dog" and Meredith chooses the dog. On the advice of an older woman in the hospital, George stands up to her and says "You are not allowed to choose a dog over me." And the whole thing ends happily. They give the dog to Meredith's married ex-boyfriend bc he owes her big time.
Of course, it's not that simple in Relationships and in reality bc of hurt feelings and all that. Sometimes people don't belong together and the "other people" are just a mechanism to get out of a situation that doesn't work. But, sometimes you do belong together, and those are the times it's important to stand up and tell them they aren't allowed to choose the dog.
Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? I love it. In case you don't know it: George and Meredith and roomates, and they also work together at the hospital. Meredith gets a dog which George hates. George says, "you have to choose between me and the dog" and Meredith chooses the dog. On the advice of an older woman in the hospital, George stands up to her and says "You are not allowed to choose a dog over me." And the whole thing ends happily. They give the dog to Meredith's married ex-boyfriend bc he owes her big time.
Of course, it's not that simple in Relationships and in reality bc of hurt feelings and all that. Sometimes people don't belong together and the "other people" are just a mechanism to get out of a situation that doesn't work. But, sometimes you do belong together, and those are the times it's important to stand up and tell them they aren't allowed to choose the dog.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Buy some delicious cheese
Formaggio Kitchen | Cheeses of the United States
One of my best friends from college, Emily, and her husband threw out the corporate life to make cheese. They call it Twig Farm. Buy some of their cheese now.
One of my best friends from college, Emily, and her husband threw out the corporate life to make cheese. They call it Twig Farm. Buy some of their cheese now.
Artwork YTD
Kodakgallery.com �Slideshow
I put together this photo album of my work so far this year. Keep in mind that in figure drawing we've been focusing on gestures and contours, which is not really my thing. (I'm more interested in finding the form, but it's all a learning experience.) Also, unless noted, these drawings are 30 second to 2 minutes, ie, very quickly made. That's the idea.
PS, if you have issues with signing in, just create a junk mail address with Yahoo or something. I like to know who's looking at my work, and I also want you to see it.
xo
I put together this photo album of my work so far this year. Keep in mind that in figure drawing we've been focusing on gestures and contours, which is not really my thing. (I'm more interested in finding the form, but it's all a learning experience.) Also, unless noted, these drawings are 30 second to 2 minutes, ie, very quickly made. That's the idea.
PS, if you have issues with signing in, just create a junk mail address with Yahoo or something. I like to know who's looking at my work, and I also want you to see it.
xo
Friday night is Ladies' Night
The girls met up last night at Jade, a hip nightspot with an indoor waterfall and $2 cocktails until 7:30. Of course, it was crowded, and we quickly tired of shouting at each other to be heard. We wondered what kind of people seek out and stay in that environment on a Friday night with their friends – do they spend the whole day working quietly at a computer and need to buzz of frenetic human interaction to unwind? It was the only explanation we could imagine.
A short jaunt a pied to Market delivered up to the Octavia Piano Bar (not sure what’s it’s actually called, but something with Octavia in the name). The other ladies noticed a skinny man with an amazing Jew-fro smoking outside; he didn’t fit in. The mystery was quickly solved when he sat down at the piano to serenade us with “we’re in the money.” Yeah right.
Fortunately, that didn’t last long. Another pianist (this time with wavy hair) took the seat and played show tunes that I didn’t know (is that possible??!) while kids from the local performing arts high school took the stage to amaze us with their vocal stylings. I have had the misfortune to have watched a couple episodes of American Idol recently, and Simon would have found something profoundly insulting to say to each of these kids. They WERE super cute. Shanti pointed out that her sister, who is now a super amazing performer, was pretty bad at 15 too. We ate; the food was fine. I would go there again. The City doesn’t have enough piano bars.
From there, we joined the relevant boys (and a whole lot of irrelevant ones) at Place Pagale (unlike the Jets and the Sharks, we could actually enjoy the same divvy, smokers’ bar). Marshall was RULING the pool table, and the rest of us sat around and bantered until he got sick of all the bad players there and quit. However, that’s where the blissful unity ended, and the remaining ladies went for a crepe (I, on the other hand, had more fries) while the gentlemen for pizza, down the block.
Why am I telling you this? Well, of course, cuz it was fun. It might even happen again someday.
A short jaunt a pied to Market delivered up to the Octavia Piano Bar (not sure what’s it’s actually called, but something with Octavia in the name). The other ladies noticed a skinny man with an amazing Jew-fro smoking outside; he didn’t fit in. The mystery was quickly solved when he sat down at the piano to serenade us with “we’re in the money.” Yeah right.
Fortunately, that didn’t last long. Another pianist (this time with wavy hair) took the seat and played show tunes that I didn’t know (is that possible??!) while kids from the local performing arts high school took the stage to amaze us with their vocal stylings. I have had the misfortune to have watched a couple episodes of American Idol recently, and Simon would have found something profoundly insulting to say to each of these kids. They WERE super cute. Shanti pointed out that her sister, who is now a super amazing performer, was pretty bad at 15 too. We ate; the food was fine. I would go there again. The City doesn’t have enough piano bars.
From there, we joined the relevant boys (and a whole lot of irrelevant ones) at Place Pagale (unlike the Jets and the Sharks, we could actually enjoy the same divvy, smokers’ bar). Marshall was RULING the pool table, and the rest of us sat around and bantered until he got sick of all the bad players there and quit. However, that’s where the blissful unity ended, and the remaining ladies went for a crepe (I, on the other hand, had more fries) while the gentlemen for pizza, down the block.
Why am I telling you this? Well, of course, cuz it was fun. It might even happen again someday.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Art Thursday
Last night, we went to the gallery opening receptions in downtown San Francisco. Every first Thursday, many galleries are open late to show their art and often serve wine and maybe a snack. We made it to 2 buildings, but one of them had so many galleries that we could have stayed there nearly forever (or died first).
The first gallery, Paule Anglim, had huge blow-ups of historic photographs from the National Archive. I don’t know what the criteria for selecting the photos was, but it appeared to me to be the most boring images the artist (Roloff) could find. Maybe it isn’t my field of interest, but I just didn’t find anything to look at. They also had a collection of contour drawings by Ala Ebtekar of male standing figures in various stances overlapping each other. They all seemed to be the same guy, with the same body, in different clothes and slightly different positions. He never had a face, but sometime he had a hat. The piles of figures were positioned at odd places on the page, sometimes small in a corner of a big page, but never centered or taking up much of the blank white.
Earlier yesterday, my figure drawing teacher, Diane Olivier, spent some time talking about the importance of line weight in contour drawings – how much you can communicate just by changing the thickness or darkness or presence of the figure’s outline. Ebtekar’s drawings were clearly not really about sensitivity to the human form, but I couldn’t help but feel disappointed that he didn’t vary his line weight to express himself. I never figured out what his point was anyway.
We saw A LOT of art, and while, amazingly, I remember much of it. I am not going to try to describe it all. Instead, I want to talk about the things I saw that struck me. I don’t necessarily remember the name of the gallery or the artist. Someone had collected gauzy dresses and then encased them into a kind of clear mould the size of a Frisbee but thicker, like soap. The gallery displayed these by placing the pucks on the floor with the skirt flowing outward in every direction. It looked neat because the dresses were pretty and complicated, but I have no idea how buyers would display this art in their homes.
Another artist had persuaded various people to take off their clothes (to varying degrees) in fields/woods/nature and then had taken photographs of them and printed them in large squares. The best ones had wet naked women, I thought, but there was something cool about those portraits sharing the wall with similar ones of fat old men. I mean, one thing I have learned from my figure drawing class (where I see a different naked body every TTh) is that every body is beautiful and that there is no one perfect body – even the “best” are all different from each other. The viewer learned something about the person shown from each portrait although I was never exactly sure what.
I nearly didn’t make it thru printmaking earlier today. My plate wasn’t looking how I wanted, and I had left some of my other prints at home to watercolor on (an assignment and a good idea). So, I didn’t really want to do anything I had there to do, but I stayed the struggled thru anyway. Drawing, yesterday morning, went well, and maybe I will post a link to view my new drawings if I can manage to upload them. I’m getting pretty good.
It’s February, and I need to get my act together. Once Harry Potter 6 is finished, that will clear up a lot of time. Here are some goals for the month:
· Apply for grants for CG project
· Put together portfolio (and begin to circulate?)
· Make art
· ALC training and fundraising (donate here, it’s tax deductible: https://www.aidslifecycle.org/donate/form.cfm?n=2012)
· Yoga 1x/week
· Fun stuff with friends (see art, hike, sketch, etc.)
That should keep me pretty busy, but when you next talk to me, feel free to ask how I’m doing on those. I need all the encouragement I can get.
The first gallery, Paule Anglim, had huge blow-ups of historic photographs from the National Archive. I don’t know what the criteria for selecting the photos was, but it appeared to me to be the most boring images the artist (Roloff) could find. Maybe it isn’t my field of interest, but I just didn’t find anything to look at. They also had a collection of contour drawings by Ala Ebtekar of male standing figures in various stances overlapping each other. They all seemed to be the same guy, with the same body, in different clothes and slightly different positions. He never had a face, but sometime he had a hat. The piles of figures were positioned at odd places on the page, sometimes small in a corner of a big page, but never centered or taking up much of the blank white.
Earlier yesterday, my figure drawing teacher, Diane Olivier, spent some time talking about the importance of line weight in contour drawings – how much you can communicate just by changing the thickness or darkness or presence of the figure’s outline. Ebtekar’s drawings were clearly not really about sensitivity to the human form, but I couldn’t help but feel disappointed that he didn’t vary his line weight to express himself. I never figured out what his point was anyway.
We saw A LOT of art, and while, amazingly, I remember much of it. I am not going to try to describe it all. Instead, I want to talk about the things I saw that struck me. I don’t necessarily remember the name of the gallery or the artist. Someone had collected gauzy dresses and then encased them into a kind of clear mould the size of a Frisbee but thicker, like soap. The gallery displayed these by placing the pucks on the floor with the skirt flowing outward in every direction. It looked neat because the dresses were pretty and complicated, but I have no idea how buyers would display this art in their homes.
Another artist had persuaded various people to take off their clothes (to varying degrees) in fields/woods/nature and then had taken photographs of them and printed them in large squares. The best ones had wet naked women, I thought, but there was something cool about those portraits sharing the wall with similar ones of fat old men. I mean, one thing I have learned from my figure drawing class (where I see a different naked body every TTh) is that every body is beautiful and that there is no one perfect body – even the “best” are all different from each other. The viewer learned something about the person shown from each portrait although I was never exactly sure what.
I nearly didn’t make it thru printmaking earlier today. My plate wasn’t looking how I wanted, and I had left some of my other prints at home to watercolor on (an assignment and a good idea). So, I didn’t really want to do anything I had there to do, but I stayed the struggled thru anyway. Drawing, yesterday morning, went well, and maybe I will post a link to view my new drawings if I can manage to upload them. I’m getting pretty good.
It’s February, and I need to get my act together. Once Harry Potter 6 is finished, that will clear up a lot of time. Here are some goals for the month:
· Apply for grants for CG project
· Put together portfolio (and begin to circulate?)
· Make art
· ALC training and fundraising (donate here, it’s tax deductible: https://www.aidslifecycle.org/donate/form.cfm?n=2012)
· Yoga 1x/week
· Fun stuff with friends (see art, hike, sketch, etc.)
That should keep me pretty busy, but when you next talk to me, feel free to ask how I’m doing on those. I need all the encouragement I can get.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Happiness
I was just listening to a program on Happiness on Forum. Here are 3 interesting ideas I heard:
1) To be happy, one needs something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for.
2) There is a strong genetic component of mood.
3) "Flow" -- do something not too difficult that it's frustrating but not too easy that it's boring.
1) To be happy, one needs something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for.
2) There is a strong genetic component of mood.
3) "Flow" -- do something not too difficult that it's frustrating but not too easy that it's boring.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
My other job isn't one either.
I don't know if it's the fall (I now have a purple mark about the size of my fist next to the star on my butt) or the flu (could be?), but I feel all achy and sensitive. Last night, I had insomnia for a while and then nightmares. (Interestingly, both Alison and this woman in my class, Patsy, said they had sleep problems last night too. Is it the weather?) So, I bailed on my morning class, and I think I'll bail again on my evening plans as well (which was yoga). Instead, I am going to stay home, watch TV or read Harry Potter (I started 6 a couple days ago), and eat soup.
What I did end up doing today was my printmaking class, which did me a world of good. (Funny thing about depression, of whatever is wrong with me, you don’t want to do anything, but when you do it helps so much. Same with eating.) My new plate is pretty ugly, but I kept working on it anyway. We'll see if it improves. Basically, I really love printmaking.
As testament to the fact that I never ride the bus is the huge pile of Muni tokens I have had since like 1997 when I worked at RIDES (transit benefit) and we were all in SF. But I took the bus across town to class today bc of my achy condition. The 49/47/14 were packed in both directions and times of day (midday and PM rush hour). On the way home, I couldn't see where we were nor hear the announcer. So, I asked my fellow passengers where we were. Well, you can imagine my surprise when it turned out that none of them spoke English.
Speaking of public transit, I walked up the stairs at BART the other day, and there was a tiny brown mouse eating what looked like chewing gum off a stair (1). He looked at me and I at him neither of us changed our behavior in the slightest.
Volunteering for the KQED pledge drive last week, it turned out the woman next to me also named her daughter "Lilia" (spelled and pronounced the same way). (I know you are going to ask: they lived in LA when she was born, but shortly after moved to Berkeley where the mom still lives. Lilia is 24 and an NPO fundraising powerhouse.) She sang me a song she made up to help her daughter remember how to spell "Lilia" (which she has since left on my vm, per my request). Her daughter's last name is also one syllable, and she told me that every time she hears Beethoven's 9th (dundundun DUUUN), she says, "it's my song, they're singing my name!" I thought that was pretty cute.
I'm having some interesting email correspondences I want to string into blog posts, but for now I'll sign off.
Endnotes
(1) Random song lyrics from my childhood:
When I get to heaven and you get there,
I’ll write your name on a golden stair.
I’ll write it big so the angels can see
Just how much you mean to me.
What I did end up doing today was my printmaking class, which did me a world of good. (Funny thing about depression, of whatever is wrong with me, you don’t want to do anything, but when you do it helps so much. Same with eating.) My new plate is pretty ugly, but I kept working on it anyway. We'll see if it improves. Basically, I really love printmaking.
As testament to the fact that I never ride the bus is the huge pile of Muni tokens I have had since like 1997 when I worked at RIDES (transit benefit) and we were all in SF. But I took the bus across town to class today bc of my achy condition. The 49/47/14 were packed in both directions and times of day (midday and PM rush hour). On the way home, I couldn't see where we were nor hear the announcer. So, I asked my fellow passengers where we were. Well, you can imagine my surprise when it turned out that none of them spoke English.
Speaking of public transit, I walked up the stairs at BART the other day, and there was a tiny brown mouse eating what looked like chewing gum off a stair (1). He looked at me and I at him neither of us changed our behavior in the slightest.
Volunteering for the KQED pledge drive last week, it turned out the woman next to me also named her daughter "Lilia" (spelled and pronounced the same way). (I know you are going to ask: they lived in LA when she was born, but shortly after moved to Berkeley where the mom still lives. Lilia is 24 and an NPO fundraising powerhouse.) She sang me a song she made up to help her daughter remember how to spell "Lilia" (which she has since left on my vm, per my request). Her daughter's last name is also one syllable, and she told me that every time she hears Beethoven's 9th (dundundun DUUUN), she says, "it's my song, they're singing my name!" I thought that was pretty cute.
I'm having some interesting email correspondences I want to string into blog posts, but for now I'll sign off.
Endnotes
(1) Random song lyrics from my childhood:
When I get to heaven and you get there,
I’ll write your name on a golden stair.
I’ll write it big so the angels can see
Just how much you mean to me.
Monday, January 30, 2006
AIDS/LifeCycle Training
For those of you who may be interested, I did a second long ride yesterday (~25 miles) even tho I neglected to show up at the organized ride in the morning. However, it looks like I am going to need to pick up another long ride each week in order to meet my mileage goals (75-100 for February). I also fell down the stairs with my laundry and landed on my butt. This means that my butt and back are very sore, and I probably should lay off for a few days. Don't worry -- I am taking care of myself. I took a long bath in epson salts after the fall and the ride.
I'm doing the AIDS/Lifecycle, "riding to end AIDS." Please make a contribution, if you haven't already, at: (My participant number is 2012)
AIDS/LifeCycle | Donation Form for San�Francisco AIDS�Foundation
I'm doing the AIDS/Lifecycle, "riding to end AIDS." Please make a contribution, if you haven't already, at: (My participant number is 2012)
AIDS/LifeCycle | Donation Form for San�Francisco AIDS�Foundation
Friday, January 27, 2006
[Dear Liliapilia] Looking for Love with... flashlights?
Dear Liliapilia:
I have recently re-joined the ranks of the dating after years of being in a relationship that ran its course.
I am finding the signals between men and women a bit confusing. With the effort to create groovy, pro-feminist, relationships based on equality, I'm never quite sure when to make the next move. I'm certainly willing to, just don't know what is expected, or when exactly to make that move. Perhaps I'm just out of practice.
I am reminded of this great gag gift that was once presented to a single friend of mine at her birthday party. It was a little flashlight that had two buttons on it, one red and one green. This device was called the "Dating Flashlight." Its function was simple. From even the darkest party and at a distance a person could let their potential suitor know whether they had a green light to proceed, or a red light that means 'don't bother.'
Wouldn't dating be so much easier if we all were issued Dating Flashlights?
Signed,
Lost One Vicariously Engaged - Looking into Gadgets that Help Today
(LOVELIGHT)
(I received this advice letter a while back and kept it flagged in my inbox ever since, to write my response and post it as part of my series on relationships.)
Dear LOVELIGHT,
I used to wish everyone would just keep their status on their shirt. You could just look at a person’s sleeve and it would say: “in a relationship” or “single” or “newly single and not ready” or “single with hang ups.” Then, I thought, people could list their references too, so that the rest of us could avoid getting involved with jerks. Maybe, like job applications, everyone would list the reasons all their previous relationships ended (but you would have to honest). That way, we could each individually assess not only if it’s worth hitting on someone but also if that person would be able to give us what we’re looking for at that moment.
That would be very useful to those single and looking. I’m as guilty as anyone else for occasionally hitting on guys with girlfriends I didn’t know about. Likewise, about once a year, someone randomly hits on me, usually on BART. Sometimes, it’s someone who I would just never be interested in (like a woman, a man who doesn’t have an email address, or one far too young or old for me). Sometimes, I’m not single. So, it’s more than just relationship status. It would be helpful to know if someone is only attracted to men or petite blonds or women of a certain ethnicity or anyone foreign. Can we get that on the shirt too?
Of course not. And here’s why: people are not commodities. You don’t acquire them. They are not owned. (Interestingly, it just occurred to me that most things are owned, wanted or not. When in a relationship, partners should always want each other.) If someone interests you, you should get to know them regardless of their relationship status or sexual preferences.
We all have needs. We need food, water, air…. We also need love, physical affection, emotional support, companionship…. But it makes me furious that every song in the top 40 since the dawn of time has been about romantic relationships in a very rigid, traditional way. I believe that as a culture, we are brainwashed to believe that that is the only way to be in the world. Freud said that the indicators of sanity are the ability to work and to love. But is there only one way to love? Does it have to look a certain way?
There is so much pressure to couple that people do it thoughtlessly. People reject real love out of fear and stay in “Relationships” too long because of expectation. All those songs preach about one kind of love because that’s the only time some people allow themselves to feel strongly. But they create an unrealistic idea of what it is to be with another person.
I say all this from the place I am now. When I first read this advice letter, I was going to talk about going for numbers or hoping for fate as the 2 potential approaches. Now I believe that looking for a relationship necessarily leads to its commodification. I don’t want to ride the relationship merry-go-round ever again. Yeah, it’ll suck to try to buy a house on one income, but other people can’t be trusted anyway.
So, my advice to you, LOVELIGHT, is to chill out. Why do you feel like you need to date? These shirts or flashlights are not going to help you find a special connection. Invest in people you like regardless of what they can offer you. If it’s meant to be, it’ll find a way to be. And if it isn’t, you didn’t want it anyway, trust me.
I have recently re-joined the ranks of the dating after years of being in a relationship that ran its course.
I am finding the signals between men and women a bit confusing. With the effort to create groovy, pro-feminist, relationships based on equality, I'm never quite sure when to make the next move. I'm certainly willing to, just don't know what is expected, or when exactly to make that move. Perhaps I'm just out of practice.
I am reminded of this great gag gift that was once presented to a single friend of mine at her birthday party. It was a little flashlight that had two buttons on it, one red and one green. This device was called the "Dating Flashlight." Its function was simple. From even the darkest party and at a distance a person could let their potential suitor know whether they had a green light to proceed, or a red light that means 'don't bother.'
Wouldn't dating be so much easier if we all were issued Dating Flashlights?
Signed,
Lost One Vicariously Engaged - Looking into Gadgets that Help Today
(LOVELIGHT)
(I received this advice letter a while back and kept it flagged in my inbox ever since, to write my response and post it as part of my series on relationships.)
Dear LOVELIGHT,
I used to wish everyone would just keep their status on their shirt. You could just look at a person’s sleeve and it would say: “in a relationship” or “single” or “newly single and not ready” or “single with hang ups.” Then, I thought, people could list their references too, so that the rest of us could avoid getting involved with jerks. Maybe, like job applications, everyone would list the reasons all their previous relationships ended (but you would have to honest). That way, we could each individually assess not only if it’s worth hitting on someone but also if that person would be able to give us what we’re looking for at that moment.
That would be very useful to those single and looking. I’m as guilty as anyone else for occasionally hitting on guys with girlfriends I didn’t know about. Likewise, about once a year, someone randomly hits on me, usually on BART. Sometimes, it’s someone who I would just never be interested in (like a woman, a man who doesn’t have an email address, or one far too young or old for me). Sometimes, I’m not single. So, it’s more than just relationship status. It would be helpful to know if someone is only attracted to men or petite blonds or women of a certain ethnicity or anyone foreign. Can we get that on the shirt too?
Of course not. And here’s why: people are not commodities. You don’t acquire them. They are not owned. (Interestingly, it just occurred to me that most things are owned, wanted or not. When in a relationship, partners should always want each other.) If someone interests you, you should get to know them regardless of their relationship status or sexual preferences.
We all have needs. We need food, water, air…. We also need love, physical affection, emotional support, companionship…. But it makes me furious that every song in the top 40 since the dawn of time has been about romantic relationships in a very rigid, traditional way. I believe that as a culture, we are brainwashed to believe that that is the only way to be in the world. Freud said that the indicators of sanity are the ability to work and to love. But is there only one way to love? Does it have to look a certain way?
There is so much pressure to couple that people do it thoughtlessly. People reject real love out of fear and stay in “Relationships” too long because of expectation. All those songs preach about one kind of love because that’s the only time some people allow themselves to feel strongly. But they create an unrealistic idea of what it is to be with another person.
I say all this from the place I am now. When I first read this advice letter, I was going to talk about going for numbers or hoping for fate as the 2 potential approaches. Now I believe that looking for a relationship necessarily leads to its commodification. I don’t want to ride the relationship merry-go-round ever again. Yeah, it’ll suck to try to buy a house on one income, but other people can’t be trusted anyway.
So, my advice to you, LOVELIGHT, is to chill out. Why do you feel like you need to date? These shirts or flashlights are not going to help you find a special connection. Invest in people you like regardless of what they can offer you. If it’s meant to be, it’ll find a way to be. And if it isn’t, you didn’t want it anyway, trust me.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
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