[Norwich]Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

I must admit, when my mother asked me to come with her to this workshop and I agreed (in my usual way – “let me think about it…. OK, I guess,” which is code for “yes”), I didn’t have any idea what I was getting myself into. I think I imagined something slightly more global. Of course, NVC has been used in Israel, North Ireland, the former Yugoslavia, but in practice it is something you do everyday. “Let us become the change we seek in the world.” (Mahatma Gandhi) The personal is, after all, the political. But I experienced a certain initial fear when I walked in the room Saturday morning that the workshop would require we bear all (and in front of my mother!) in order to learn this skill.

To live an ethical life I must bike, walk and ride public transportation to get around, sort my trash into compost and recycling (yes, this has been a struggle), do my shopping at small locally-owned businesses, buy organic, etc., but it hadn’t really occurred to me until now that they way I communicated with my friends and family might in impact, as the proverbial butterfly flaps its wings (sure, I can be a butterfly in my own metaphor, it doesn’t mean I am flighty), the possibility for world peace.

Nonviolent Communication entails “learning a new language” to connect with people from the heart. It involves the following components: observation (without evaluation), feelings, needs, and request (not demand). The premise is that universal human needs (food, fun, fairness, etc.) are never in conflict, but strategies for meeting those needs can be. The most basic human need is to “contribute to life.” Feelings happen in response to needs being met or not met. Another critical component is empathy, because it takes a lot of practice to effectively identify ones own feelings and needs, sometimes people need help. The program includes a comprehensive list of feelings and needs for you to choose among. Feelings are your own, not reflective (used, misunderstood, abandoned) of anything outside yourself; they should also be feelings that are life connecting (hurt, upset, scared) and not disconnected from life (anger, guilt, shame, depression). So, a NVC statement might be “I feel _____ because I need _____. Would you be willing to ____ to help meet that need?” Once feelings and needs are processed on both sides, it becomes time to discuss requests or solutions to meeting those needs.

Once these observations, feelings and needs are expressed and heard, it is only a matter of identifying a strategy to meet those needs that works for all involved. As Marshall Rosenberg (the author of NVC) says “Please only do what I have requested if you can do so with the joy of little children feeding hungry ducks. Please do not do as I have requested if there is the slightest bit of fear, resentment, guilt or shame motivating you – that would be too costly to us both.” But more importantly, do not get too fixated on one solution to meeting your needs, because another one might be acceptable to the others involved.

In practice, people express themselves in four ways based on the combination of head/heart, inward/outward. They call head and heart the jackal and the giraffe. Yes, it is a bit silly, but it can act as a nice code. For example, when I say to my mother “you look like a duck; how cute you are,” and she responds with “why do you always have to be so critical of me,” I believe that I am creatively admiring her, but she is hearing my statement with jackal outward ears. Yes, it is a strange example, but it keeps coming up with her. All four ways of thinking have a role, but you have to move through the heart (giraffe) in order to connect with other people.

That pretty much describes it. Here are a few other notes I took at the workshop:
• “You can never get enough of what you don’t really need.”
• Imaginings can trigger feelings – be sure you are responding to something real.
• People can only hear 40 words at a time. When you bring up an issue, use fewer than 40 words before you ask for their response. If you aren’t done yet, continue only after you have received feedback.
• Observations are most effectively expressed in the present tense. Do not talk about how you felt about what happened yesterday, talk about how you feel about it today.

Requests should be:
• Concise
• Specific
• Realistic/doable
• Not a demand, you must be able to accept if the person says no
• In positive language; it is much harder to NOT do something than to do it
• Linked to your need
• Remember: your request is a gift. It can make a person very happy to be able to fulfill your need.

NVC says that people are only really saying 2 things: please and thank you. They just don’t always have the right vocabulary to say it. Everyone just wants you to see how beautiful they are (there is a song). Expressing met needs it just as important as expressing unmet needs. It is called gratitude. On the other hand, positive judgments can be just as damaging as negative ones.

www.cnvc.org

Normally, I would wait to post this, but Alison says she can’t wait for my next entry, and I want to meet her need for fun and connection. She says there is a heat wave in the SF, and I am jealous since today in Norwich was rather cold and overcast. Anyway, more soon….