"No" and "Maybe"

Tyler has broadened my podcast horizons. He’s got me listening to a variety of “tips” podcasts, and the one I find most compelling is the negotiating tips. It doesn’t take too many thinks to realize how similar NVC is to negotiating and how important good negotiating skills are to good relationships.

One of these recent podcasts talked about interactive negotiating. Because negotiating happens in real time, they suggested practicing giving different answers. When a negotiation is stuck, they suggested negotiating some other aspect of the agreement. They reminded the listener that if you’re 100% in your comfort zone, you’re doing things automatically, and you’re not fully engaged. Like a jazz musician, strive to always be 20% out of your comfort zone.

I’ve noticed lately that big part of negotiation, and advocacy, is feeling comfortable with hearing “no”. I’ve noticed this with my mother. I’ve noticed this with my ideas at work. Often, the first reaction I get is negative. With my mother, I have given up there. I feel frustrated, but I move on. The next time I talk with her, she’s often come to accept the idea that was so onerous to her in our earlier conversation.

At work, it’s a little more complicated. I see my goal as to push my agenda – what I think is right for the company (and the world) – accompanied with doing the rest of my job as well as I possibly can AND being as pleasant and nice as I possibly can be. Sometimes it’s exhausting. But I have noticed that, over time, as I frame and re-frame my ideas, my boss appears to be accepting them. We’ll see how it goes.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not comfortable with “no” and “maybe” in myself or others. I prefer passion and commitment to the alternatives. A good portion of this is framing. The simplest example I can think of is relationships: if I’m not in love with someone, I’m more comfortable with an un-complicated friendship even if I see partnership potential… for example. But announcing your plans is a good way to make god laugh. On the other hand, trying to persuade people of something over time provides plenty of opportunity to hone your argument for those that work best with each audience.

I wonder if I would be more successful in all aspects of life if I learned to tolerate “no”s and “maybe”s, or had more patience with them, saw them as opportunities. I might be a better advocate. I might find a functional partnership. Practicing this with my mother was easy. Honing it with work has been challenging, but I prefer it to the alternatives. I wonder if I’ll be able to adapt these ideas to aspects of my life closer to me.