Stuff as violence

My goals for today were:
Write an article: how I pay my rent... this week
Catch up on my reading and homework: kinda important
Go for a run: I’m training to *run* the Bay to Breakers this year.
Maybe do some laundry: not really necessary, but I felt like it.

Well, I started to think about lack of flow. For example, a computer cord was causing me to walk all the way around my coffee table to get to the couch instead of going directly to it (I didn’t want to risk tripping on the cord and knocking the computer to the ground). I decided to place a power strip on the opposite side of the couch. I redecorated a month or so ago, and I’m still dealing with where exactly everything is going to go.

One thing led to another, and I ended up sorting thru things. I started to think of stuff as violence. Not only does it prevent the flow of life, of me living in my home, but it also becomes emotionally loaded. I have this faded little curtain that I used when I was in HS; it’s pretty – someone might even frame it for the wall – but it doesn’t serve any purpose in my life anymore. I have all kinds of clothing for skiing, but I no longer ski.

At the same time, people keep giving me things from my past: my unfinished drawings, the teddy bear I used to sleep with… they break my heart, and I don’t want them. Stuff feels like a constraint, like it’s keeping me from growing… or flowing… thru my life as it exists now. I want to do the best NOW I possibly can, and I can’t do that with two pairs of ski gloves I’ve never worn.

So, here I am with stuff all over my apartment. I can’t stop because everything is under something else. I have to finish instead of doing so many more important things.