Stages of Heartbreak

I’ve been interested in this idea of the stages of heartbreak for years now, cyclically, as it’s come up in my life. “Getting over it” has, for me, taken between a month and 5+ years and seems not to correlate in any linear fashion to the length of the relationship. (There is that theory that it takes half the length of the relationship to get over it – not my experience.) Instead, it depends almost entirely on how I strongly I felt about the person. Strong feelings are, of course, a function of a lot of things including personality, sex, hopes for the future, and other intangibles.

I’m toying with the idea of mentioning names, but I don’t want to hurt any feelings (or bolster any egos). That’s not what this is about. And it seems like no matter what I say, it can’t possibly do justice to some relationships, good or bad.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that the stages are different for each relationship, and, based on my search of the internet, for each individual. But, to be perfectly honest, what interests me most is not the intangible what one “feels” – bc that can’t really be quantified – but rather, how that influences behavior. For example:

Stage 1: disbelief – never one I’ve experienced for more than a few minutes unless messed with, but it seems that some people just love it.

Stage 2: bargaining – how can I fix this? I, personally, love to fix things, to find a solution that works for everyone. For some people, it appears, this stage comes later.

Stage 3: guilt – again, this stage seems to come later for many people on the internet. I spend my time thinking of every thing I ever did wrong, and, in tandem with stage 2, try to negotiate with my former partner. This, BTW, has never worked. But I can get this perverse idea that if I confess every error I made, I can fix the problem and not have to “get over” this person (the painful part).

Stages 1-3 are accompanied by continual crying and the inability to eat any food. This time, I lost 15 lbs. That’s, to me, the interesting part.

Stage 4: anger – this is, I believe, very healthy. One begins to regain their sense of personal value. It’s no longer “I must be fundamentally unlovable.” Instead, it’s “you must be a horrible person for” (either) 1) “letting me get away,” 2) “treating me so badly”, 3) “leaving” or all of the above. This can include a detailed analysis of every humility or perceived wrong from the relationship; however, I’ve only felt humiliated by what I put up with in… 2 of my relationships.

That said, I admire humility… even strive towards it. I just don’t think it should ever be imposed by those who claim to love us. That’s called Emotional Abuse.

The anger stage can be accompanied by copious drinking. A recent article in the Economist about Country Music stated that booze dulls the pain of heartbreak, one of the main themes of country music, and while New Yorkers spend thousands on therapy, Southerners get the same result by drinking too much and listening to Country Music they empathize with. I haven’t found a good country station in the Bay Area, but the drinking sure is effective. And since I could stand to gain some weight at this point (if only to fit into my clothes again), I can afford it.

Stage 5: acceptance – I read on the internet that this happens. I think I, more often, just move on. The irony here (or whatever) is that I’ve been dating this whole time. I think my light was on (you know, like on a taxi), and I can’t think of a good reason not to stop when guys wave me down. It’s not as interesting as it might sound.

What next? Well, I love my friends, and I give them my complete and undying devotion. Sometimes, I have to break up with them. I used to (like 15 years ago) take pride in staying friends with my exes; my thinking being that if someone was great enough for me to Love, then they are great enough to keep even if the Relationship we hoped for isn’t possible. But I learned the hard way. Friendship is, to me, a huge thing to offer someone. I have a lot of friends, but I pick them carefully and over years.

This may sound self-important, but I still have a lot of friends. And not everyone wants to be friends with me either. Some people take me for a test drive and then lose interest. I don’t blame them. I wish them luck in finding the right friends for them. Let’s not waste each other’s time.

I still haven’t gotten to the point. The point is that if I don’t want to be partners with someone, or they don’t want to be that for me, it’s usually the same reasons we can’t be Friends afterwards. Again, I won’t list off the faults of my exes. But there are things that bug me about people. Maybe they’re too stubborn about some big philosophical thing that I can’t relate to. Maybe they’re emotionally disconnected. Maybe they’re completely selfish. I don’t want to have friends with those qualities either. Without the emotional component, and the sex, I can see that more clearly than with people with whom I once hoped for a Partnership.

I met this guy recently who believes that the foods we crave indicates our life purpose. Although we’ve had coffee together a couple times and forgotten to explore this topic in person, I can’t help but relate it to my experience with heartbreak – how I can’t eat, and then later I just want to drink. I still want to hear his explanation. But I believe our cravings for food are a function of both our emotional and physical states of being (ie, what vitamins and nutrients we need). In fact, I wonder, now, if the two aren’t the same system.