My goals for today were:
Write an article: how I pay my rent... this week
Catch up on my reading and homework: kinda important
Go for a run: I’m training to *run* the Bay to Breakers this year.
Maybe do some laundry: not really necessary, but I felt like it.
Well, I started to think about lack of flow. For example, a computer cord was causing me to walk all the way around my coffee table to get to the couch instead of going directly to it (I didn’t want to risk tripping on the cord and knocking the computer to the ground). I decided to place a power strip on the opposite side of the couch. I redecorated a month or so ago, and I’m still dealing with where exactly everything is going to go.
One thing led to another, and I ended up sorting thru things. I started to think of stuff as violence. Not only does it prevent the flow of life, of me living in my home, but it also becomes emotionally loaded. I have this faded little curtain that I used when I was in HS; it’s pretty – someone might even frame it for the wall – but it doesn’t serve any purpose in my life anymore. I have all kinds of clothing for skiing, but I no longer ski.
At the same time, people keep giving me things from my past: my unfinished drawings, the teddy bear I used to sleep with… they break my heart, and I don’t want them. Stuff feels like a constraint, like it’s keeping me from growing… or flowing… thru my life as it exists now. I want to do the best NOW I possibly can, and I can’t do that with two pairs of ski gloves I’ve never worn.
So, here I am with stuff all over my apartment. I can’t stop because everything is under something else. I have to finish instead of doing so many more important things.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Choice and community
I’ve been listening to NPR a good bit of today. When they’re not doing pledge drives, they had a talk about radio. Someone observed that lack of choice fosters community. When everyone listened to the same radio station, everyone had that to talk about. This idea can be extrapolated outward to all kinds of levels. For example, when people married/y their high school sweethearts, they build their community from their community, with the sets of parents being friends and neighbors long before the kids united. A shared history glues people together.
Dating update
That was my transition to another recent thought…. I’m very “out” about being single. And I’ve been making a lot of new friends lately. This brings up some problems. For example, I get asked out by all kinds of people I thought I was just cultivated a friendship with. At first, I thought about officially closing the position to any “new applicants”, but I realized that was wimping out. When I was younger and less skilled, I might have shied from these relationships. But I realize now that the challenge is how to redirect that attraction into a relationship that works for everyone. I think the most important part may be to avoid hurting people’s feelings. I don’t know exactly how to do it, but I have seen it done, and I want to learn. Afterall, good taste is a fine basis for a friendship. ;-)
I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. Dating isn’t all bad. I like the professor (as we call him) – I’m just not sure he’s the perfect one for me. And… “I met this really cute boy sailing. I have a huge crush on him. But I’m afraid he may be too young for me. I’m not sure how I feel about it,” I told Grayson yesterday.
“It sounds like you know exactly how you feel about it. You just don’t know what to think about it,” he responded. Um, yeah.
PS from the end of the day: I, at least, got the run in….
I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. Dating isn’t all bad. I like the professor (as we call him) – I’m just not sure he’s the perfect one for me. And… “I met this really cute boy sailing. I have a huge crush on him. But I’m afraid he may be too young for me. I’m not sure how I feel about it,” I told Grayson yesterday.
“It sounds like you know exactly how you feel about it. You just don’t know what to think about it,” he responded. Um, yeah.
PS from the end of the day: I, at least, got the run in….
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Neighborhood tour photos
We continue the neighborhood tours. Here are photos from Saturday's tour. Unfortunately, my battery died almost immediately. I only took these three.
A date in review
A couple years ago, I was telling my friend and coworker Marty some dating stories. He became addicted and started asking me for new stories every week. He suggested I blog about them, but at the time there was someone whose feelings I didn’t want to hurt. That isn’t the case now.
I mentioned before that I’ve been dating. I have a few good leads at any moment, although who they are might change quickly. Friday evening was the first time I had free to meet up with a certain guy. It was a blind internet date – he’s an artist and his emails actually made me laugh even though they were intended to do so. He looked kinda dorky in the photos, but you can’t really tell until you meet someone anyway.
He was like 5 minutes late to 111 Minna (his choice, and a promising one), during which time several other people had asked me if I was the person they were hoping to meet. I started to wonder if the whole city was just a bunch of lonely people trying to meet up, and how is it that it comes to this? The art on the wall was stylisted cartoon images of saints and the seven deadly sins; the deadly sins were interesting but I didn’t understand them. Anyway, he arrived. He was cuter than the photos – actually attractive. He made me laugh almost instantly and continued to do so. It was clear he was pleased with me. He got me a bubble water and himself a tequila sunrise, and we selected a booth to sit and chat.
That’s when the trouble began. We selected a booth, but he sat on my side way too close. I’d known this guy for like 7 minutes at this point. I felt like a girl from the ‘50s angling in the car so that guy can’t put his arm around her. I sat with my back to the wall and my legs on the seat between us, and still he kept scooting towards me every chance he got.
OK, so we’re having pleasant conversation all this time, and he keeps touching me…My leg, my sock, my hair. Guys, if and when I want you to touch me, YOU WILL KNOW. I’ve been on like 30-something internet dates over the years (I find them entertaining from a scientific standpoint), and never, ever have I been in this kind of situation. I felt all the muscles in my body spasm, in a very bad way, as I tried to angle away from this guy, get a little personal space.
That’s really the end of the story: smart, cute, funny, made me laugh, but kept touching me and sat too close. Seeing as we’d known each other for 7 minutes, and he missed all of my physical queues, telling him just didn’t seem worth the confrontation.
We’d met at 5, and usually these things take about an hour. I hoped to get to Critical Mass before it left at about 6:30. But I didn’t get away until closer to 7 – I knew I’d missed the bike ride. So, kinda bummed and with new tension knots in my neck and shoulder, I started riding home in the rain. I stopped at a stop light, and just then, the ride began to pass the other way. As I joined them, I knew my night was saved.
Aren’t happy endings wonderful? If only it were that simple. The things about life is that the only ending is death, and I bet we won’t be assessing our “happy endings” once we’re dead. I got about an hour into the ride when I started to think bad thoughts. So, I went home and watched a movie.
I mentioned before that I’ve been dating. I have a few good leads at any moment, although who they are might change quickly. Friday evening was the first time I had free to meet up with a certain guy. It was a blind internet date – he’s an artist and his emails actually made me laugh even though they were intended to do so. He looked kinda dorky in the photos, but you can’t really tell until you meet someone anyway.
He was like 5 minutes late to 111 Minna (his choice, and a promising one), during which time several other people had asked me if I was the person they were hoping to meet. I started to wonder if the whole city was just a bunch of lonely people trying to meet up, and how is it that it comes to this? The art on the wall was stylisted cartoon images of saints and the seven deadly sins; the deadly sins were interesting but I didn’t understand them. Anyway, he arrived. He was cuter than the photos – actually attractive. He made me laugh almost instantly and continued to do so. It was clear he was pleased with me. He got me a bubble water and himself a tequila sunrise, and we selected a booth to sit and chat.
That’s when the trouble began. We selected a booth, but he sat on my side way too close. I’d known this guy for like 7 minutes at this point. I felt like a girl from the ‘50s angling in the car so that guy can’t put his arm around her. I sat with my back to the wall and my legs on the seat between us, and still he kept scooting towards me every chance he got.
OK, so we’re having pleasant conversation all this time, and he keeps touching me…My leg, my sock, my hair. Guys, if and when I want you to touch me, YOU WILL KNOW. I’ve been on like 30-something internet dates over the years (I find them entertaining from a scientific standpoint), and never, ever have I been in this kind of situation. I felt all the muscles in my body spasm, in a very bad way, as I tried to angle away from this guy, get a little personal space.
That’s really the end of the story: smart, cute, funny, made me laugh, but kept touching me and sat too close. Seeing as we’d known each other for 7 minutes, and he missed all of my physical queues, telling him just didn’t seem worth the confrontation.
We’d met at 5, and usually these things take about an hour. I hoped to get to Critical Mass before it left at about 6:30. But I didn’t get away until closer to 7 – I knew I’d missed the bike ride. So, kinda bummed and with new tension knots in my neck and shoulder, I started riding home in the rain. I stopped at a stop light, and just then, the ride began to pass the other way. As I joined them, I knew my night was saved.
Aren’t happy endings wonderful? If only it were that simple. The things about life is that the only ending is death, and I bet we won’t be assessing our “happy endings” once we’re dead. I got about an hour into the ride when I started to think bad thoughts. So, I went home and watched a movie.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Reasons not to tell someone something
For various reasons lately, I’ve been thinking about reasons not to tell people things. I like to share; I keep a blog for heaven’s sake. Sometimes, I say too much. Rarely do I say too little. Don’t get me wrong, I can keep a secret if instructed to do so. I sometimes even keep things to myself that might be secrets.
The other side of this issue is intimacy. Obviously, I’m not talking about keeping secrets from your partner. I don’t do that. I don’t believe in it. Maybe that’s why I’m single. I don’t do things that I can’t tell my partner (when I have one), and I expect that when my friends tell me something they understand that I’m likely to discuss it with my partner. Of course, my partner is then expected to keep my friends’ secrets, but I guess that’s a criterion. I expect the same of my partner.
There are people I see every week, or talk to on the phone with every day, who I don’t tell some things. While there are others I see four times a year who I do tell those things. Here’s my first pass at reasons not to tell people things:
• It might hurt their feelings.
• It’s someone else’s secret.
• Political: they might object to it philosophically.
• They might judge me for it or say something hurtful regarding it.
• It might change their perception or expectations of me in a way I don’t want.
• They might use it against me in the future.
• They might become unhealthily emotionally attached to it.
• They might tell someone else who might have one of the above reactions to it.
The other side of this issue is intimacy. Obviously, I’m not talking about keeping secrets from your partner. I don’t do that. I don’t believe in it. Maybe that’s why I’m single. I don’t do things that I can’t tell my partner (when I have one), and I expect that when my friends tell me something they understand that I’m likely to discuss it with my partner. Of course, my partner is then expected to keep my friends’ secrets, but I guess that’s a criterion. I expect the same of my partner.
There are people I see every week, or talk to on the phone with every day, who I don’t tell some things. While there are others I see four times a year who I do tell those things. Here’s my first pass at reasons not to tell people things:
• It might hurt their feelings.
• It’s someone else’s secret.
• Political: they might object to it philosophically.
• They might judge me for it or say something hurtful regarding it.
• It might change their perception or expectations of me in a way I don’t want.
• They might use it against me in the future.
• They might become unhealthily emotionally attached to it.
• They might tell someone else who might have one of the above reactions to it.
NEWSFLASH: Guitar Man Is Funny.
Yesterday, a reliable source reported that Guitar Man, aka Crazy Guitar Man (CGM), made a funny joke. CGM was perusing CityArt Gallery and saw his own reflection in one of the works of art for sale there. It was a mosaic frame around a mirror. He smelled of urine, was wearing his usual clown-like outfit and carrying his guitar. He screamed: “That’s ugly,” and pointed to his reflection in the mirror. Since everyone else in the gallery assumed he was crazy, and/or calling the art ugly and not his reflection, they ignored him. Our source laughed, making herself appear crazy and in some weird psychological cahoots with CGM.
Other sources have reported that CGM is not homeless though he could easily be mistaken for a homeless person. They say he is “way too together” and must live somewhere and have some kind of financial support. CGM is known to stand in doorways of the mid-Mission (around 20th Street usually on Valencia) playing songs on his guitar that presumably he wrote himself. “He could be very talented,” a fellow mission resident speculated. “It’s just impossible to tell beneath his appearance of homelessness.”
Other sources have reported that CGM is not homeless though he could easily be mistaken for a homeless person. They say he is “way too together” and must live somewhere and have some kind of financial support. CGM is known to stand in doorways of the mid-Mission (around 20th Street usually on Valencia) playing songs on his guitar that presumably he wrote himself. “He could be very talented,” a fellow mission resident speculated. “It’s just impossible to tell beneath his appearance of homelessness.”
Thoughts on Cole Porter
Shortly before Christmas, Dick asked me if I wanted to come with the whole family (his side) to see some Cole Porter songs performed. Up for an adventure, I agreed. Of course, these are the kind of songs that I imagine myself singing in a smoky bar and a sequined dress, lounging on the grand piano. I knew them all. Twenty-something Patrick knew none of them.
But the performance was much more conservative than the one I imagined for myself. The husband and wife team were funny and smart, but their professionalism detracted from any sense of ease in the music. Several of us wondered why Dick was so keen for us all to go to this show together. It turns out he and Kathleen watch “De-lovely” (the movie) recently together and really enjoyed it.
I figured as a follow up to the live performance, I should watch the movie. I get Netflix, the smallest subscription, and I use my queue (based on my list and searches, their recommendations, and the recommendations of my friends who I’m connected with through Netflix, which, incidentally, is really fun) to request movies from the public library. The library then brings the items I requested to their branch nearest me (per my request) for free, and I pick them up at my leisure.
That said, I thought the movie was OK. It was too long at more than 2 hours. The relationship problems were similar to those I’ve encountered recently. In the beginning, Cole was able to prioritize his wife and his career over his affairs. But as time passed, that became more difficult for him. In the case of the Porters, I see this as inevitable given that Cole was, at least in the movie’s portrayal, gay, but married to a woman he loved anyway. Perhaps if he was married to someone who he could love completely, the movie would have been about some other aspect of his life (1).
Here are some quotes I liked:
We were two people who wanted too much from each other.
Hold it loose, or hold it tight; everything breaks.
(1) Isn’t that always the way? I think we have to choose very carefully what we struggle with in our lives bc when they make a movie about us, that’s what people will see.
But the performance was much more conservative than the one I imagined for myself. The husband and wife team were funny and smart, but their professionalism detracted from any sense of ease in the music. Several of us wondered why Dick was so keen for us all to go to this show together. It turns out he and Kathleen watch “De-lovely” (the movie) recently together and really enjoyed it.
I figured as a follow up to the live performance, I should watch the movie. I get Netflix, the smallest subscription, and I use my queue (based on my list and searches, their recommendations, and the recommendations of my friends who I’m connected with through Netflix, which, incidentally, is really fun) to request movies from the public library. The library then brings the items I requested to their branch nearest me (per my request) for free, and I pick them up at my leisure.
That said, I thought the movie was OK. It was too long at more than 2 hours. The relationship problems were similar to those I’ve encountered recently. In the beginning, Cole was able to prioritize his wife and his career over his affairs. But as time passed, that became more difficult for him. In the case of the Porters, I see this as inevitable given that Cole was, at least in the movie’s portrayal, gay, but married to a woman he loved anyway. Perhaps if he was married to someone who he could love completely, the movie would have been about some other aspect of his life (1).
Here are some quotes I liked:
We were two people who wanted too much from each other.
Hold it loose, or hold it tight; everything breaks.
(1) Isn’t that always the way? I think we have to choose very carefully what we struggle with in our lives bc when they make a movie about us, that’s what people will see.
Random quotes
Your mistakes are the only thing you can truly call your own.
-Paraphrased Billy Joel
Weaknesses are just overdeveloped strengths.
Only muggles talk of mind 'reading'. The mind is not a book to be opened at will and examined at leisure. Thoughts are not sketched on the insides of skulls to be pursued by any invader. The mind is a complex and many layered thing. ~ Professor Severus Snape (Harry Potter series)
“Men always call women crazy when caught with their pants down.”
Faye Dunaway on Alias (of course, actually written my the Alias writers)
Dante says souls in heaven dream of the day they’ll get their bodies back. I wonder if in heaven I’ll still dream of yours. –Marisa Escolar (artist at CityArt Gallery)
-Paraphrased Billy Joel
Weaknesses are just overdeveloped strengths.
Only muggles talk of mind 'reading'. The mind is not a book to be opened at will and examined at leisure. Thoughts are not sketched on the insides of skulls to be pursued by any invader. The mind is a complex and many layered thing. ~ Professor Severus Snape (Harry Potter series)
“Men always call women crazy when caught with their pants down.”
Faye Dunaway on Alias (of course, actually written my the Alias writers)
Dante says souls in heaven dream of the day they’ll get their bodies back. I wonder if in heaven I’ll still dream of yours. –Marisa Escolar (artist at CityArt Gallery)
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Meeting Hate with Love
I just got home and switched on the radio. On it was an interview with Dr. Arun Gandhi. Growing up, Arun's grandfather (who is so famous) spent an hour with him every day asking him to track the violent acts of the day. Violence, he learned, was any act where you hurt another person: calling them names, imposing injustices on them, disappointing them. These passive acts of violence hurt people who may then respond in violence themselves until it's escalated to a point where Hitler or Bin Laden are doing their things. Violence can be passive (aka passive aggressive) or active, subconscious or conscious, but in any case, we can chose to respond to it with violence or with humility. In contemporary society humility may seem like powerlessness at first, it can have a very powerful impact on the outcome by redirecting the relationship out of an escalating cycle of violence.
Meeting Hate with Love: Stories of King and Gandhi
Meeting Hate with Love: Stories of King and Gandhi
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Random quote
"The human plant needs warmth to flower"
Selected Shorts just now on KQED (public radio), author unknown
Selected Shorts just now on KQED (public radio), author unknown
Friday, January 19, 2007
Most women are now living without a spouse
NYT: 51% of Women Are Now Living Without Spouse
In response to this article, Forum (KQED) had a panel discuss this trend. They said that most people do want to be in a LTR, but that they are less willing to settle than before. People want a relationship for a real partnership, to be witness of another person’s life.... But that relationships also require a lot of flexibility, and most people seek one where they are encouraged to be their best self.
"I like loving. I like mostly all the ways one can have of having loving feelings in them. Slowly it has come to be in me that any way of being a loving one is interesting and not unpleasant to me."-Gertrude Stein (Ilana has this on her wall.)
Interestingly, two men called in with concerns. One worried about this trend reflecting increasing selfishness in our society. The other said that as a result of this trend, men feel left, abandoned, that this is emotional devastating for men. Change is upsetting. The other thing people observed is that the role of work in our society, the way it is supposed to take up so much of our time in order for us to succeed, forces a choice. And many people are choosing friends over an exclusive partnership to go with the work they signed up for (of course, you can only have 2, never all 3).
In response to this article, Forum (KQED) had a panel discuss this trend. They said that most people do want to be in a LTR, but that they are less willing to settle than before. People want a relationship for a real partnership, to be witness of another person’s life.... But that relationships also require a lot of flexibility, and most people seek one where they are encouraged to be their best self.
"I like loving. I like mostly all the ways one can have of having loving feelings in them. Slowly it has come to be in me that any way of being a loving one is interesting and not unpleasant to me."-Gertrude Stein (Ilana has this on her wall.)
Interestingly, two men called in with concerns. One worried about this trend reflecting increasing selfishness in our society. The other said that as a result of this trend, men feel left, abandoned, that this is emotional devastating for men. Change is upsetting. The other thing people observed is that the role of work in our society, the way it is supposed to take up so much of our time in order for us to succeed, forces a choice. And many people are choosing friends over an exclusive partnership to go with the work they signed up for (of course, you can only have 2, never all 3).
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Emotional Maturity
Life is funny. Two months ago, I had my heart completely broken. Tonight, I had to break up with someone. In the past, I would have just not returned his phone calls, but Brian said that’s bad “dating karma” and that I needed to tell him how I feel. I’m finally learning not to be such a wimp.
The thing is, I really like this guy. We have great conversations. I enjoy the time I spend with him. As I told him, I don’t know if I’m not ready or he’s just not the right person, but I’m not feeling it. I also told him that I could just keep hanging out with him and keep it ambiguous, but that’d be selfish. I’d be getting attention for something I don’t feel. I’d be taking up his time under false pretenses. I don’t want to be that person.
Brian says I need to get in touch with my inner bitch. I say, only if that bitch is profoundly ethical, considerate of other people’s feelings, and consistent. He says that’s possible. He also says he’s going to start charging me for advice… but I think we can work out a trade.
So, what did this guy say when I broke up with him? He said, “I’ve been trying to find time for our relationship. But if that’s not what this is, then I’d rather have that time for myself.” I was so shocked because, the thing is, we’ve been on exactly two (2) dates. I didn’t realize we were having a Relationship. Man, dating is tough. Dating is a mystery.
Maybe this is just a matter of vocabulary. I don’t know. There have been so many times I’ve been on both sides of this, and there is only like…one person I can think of who handled it well. I mean, the guy I just broke up with had plenty of warning. I was blowing him off. I was taking 3 days to return his calls. I indicated how I felt, and then I said it along with a lot of complements. At least Brian and Julie think I handled it well. I’m sure the gentleman in question can find plenty of faults with me as, of course, I can.
I think this just became a new year’s resolution. I am going to communicate my feelings, my needs, and my expectations with anyone they impact. I will set appropriate boundaries. I will tell people how much I appreciate them not only when I have bad news but whenever I can. I will ask for what I want and, even more so, what I need. I will, essentially, be someone I can be completely in love with as much of the time as humanly possible.
The thing is, I really like this guy. We have great conversations. I enjoy the time I spend with him. As I told him, I don’t know if I’m not ready or he’s just not the right person, but I’m not feeling it. I also told him that I could just keep hanging out with him and keep it ambiguous, but that’d be selfish. I’d be getting attention for something I don’t feel. I’d be taking up his time under false pretenses. I don’t want to be that person.
Brian says I need to get in touch with my inner bitch. I say, only if that bitch is profoundly ethical, considerate of other people’s feelings, and consistent. He says that’s possible. He also says he’s going to start charging me for advice… but I think we can work out a trade.
So, what did this guy say when I broke up with him? He said, “I’ve been trying to find time for our relationship. But if that’s not what this is, then I’d rather have that time for myself.” I was so shocked because, the thing is, we’ve been on exactly two (2) dates. I didn’t realize we were having a Relationship. Man, dating is tough. Dating is a mystery.
Maybe this is just a matter of vocabulary. I don’t know. There have been so many times I’ve been on both sides of this, and there is only like…one person I can think of who handled it well. I mean, the guy I just broke up with had plenty of warning. I was blowing him off. I was taking 3 days to return his calls. I indicated how I felt, and then I said it along with a lot of complements. At least Brian and Julie think I handled it well. I’m sure the gentleman in question can find plenty of faults with me as, of course, I can.
I think this just became a new year’s resolution. I am going to communicate my feelings, my needs, and my expectations with anyone they impact. I will set appropriate boundaries. I will tell people how much I appreciate them not only when I have bad news but whenever I can. I will ask for what I want and, even more so, what I need. I will, essentially, be someone I can be completely in love with as much of the time as humanly possible.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Poem: "A Color of the Sky" by Tony Hoagland
I found this poem incredibly moving.
Poem: "A Color of the Sky" by Tony Hoagland
Poem: "A Color of the Sky" by Tony Hoagland
Baby, it’s cold out there….
On Saturday, I went sailing. It wasn’t the usual lesson bc the tide was low; so, I went out on a keel boat with a non-teacher cruising sailor. The Bay is gorgeous, and I wasn’t even that cold on the boat. We put up the spinnaker for the way back, and that was my first time using one. A spinnaker is this additional sail, lighter and made out of nylon so usually brightly colored, that provides an more power when the wind isn’t cooperating with the direction you want to go.
Later in the day, Carolyn and I went for a little bike ride along with Bay Trail. My hands went numb from the cold as the sun set north of the Golden Gate. We got back to her place in the dark and began making risotto for dinner. Time spent with Carolyn is always time well-spent, and I left around 11 and got on the 3rd to last BART train back to the City.
It had been a long day, what with sailing and biking and socializing, and I fell asleep on the train. I was listening to my iPod, and the voices must have lulled me sleep too. I woke up at Daly City, the end of the line, to find that there were no more trains heading the other direction. There were a couple other people in my situation. There was also a guy heading further south who offered I could stay at his place. He said that since he is a taxi driver he knows that there isn’t a good way to get from Daly City BART to my place near Mission and 24th Street.
I would love to be able to lead you to believe, even if just for a moment, that I considered his offer. But I didn’t. The attendant told me that I could take the 14 bus. But I didn’t see one right away. So, I decided to ride. Of course, I hadn’t planned on doing any night biking, and I had no lights or even my reflective jacket. The air has also been something like the coldest ever recorded here recently. But I was tired, and I couldn't wait. I biked the 5 miles, and I still have all my fingers and toes.
Later in the day, Carolyn and I went for a little bike ride along with Bay Trail. My hands went numb from the cold as the sun set north of the Golden Gate. We got back to her place in the dark and began making risotto for dinner. Time spent with Carolyn is always time well-spent, and I left around 11 and got on the 3rd to last BART train back to the City.
It had been a long day, what with sailing and biking and socializing, and I fell asleep on the train. I was listening to my iPod, and the voices must have lulled me sleep too. I woke up at Daly City, the end of the line, to find that there were no more trains heading the other direction. There were a couple other people in my situation. There was also a guy heading further south who offered I could stay at his place. He said that since he is a taxi driver he knows that there isn’t a good way to get from Daly City BART to my place near Mission and 24th Street.
I would love to be able to lead you to believe, even if just for a moment, that I considered his offer. But I didn’t. The attendant told me that I could take the 14 bus. But I didn’t see one right away. So, I decided to ride. Of course, I hadn’t planned on doing any night biking, and I had no lights or even my reflective jacket. The air has also been something like the coldest ever recorded here recently. But I was tired, and I couldn't wait. I biked the 5 miles, and I still have all my fingers and toes.
(mid-Richmond) Pastries lost and found, a neighborhood tour
It’s come to my attention that I need to post a more upbeat entry. The good news is that I can do that.
A few weeks ago there was a bridal celebration dinner for Ria in the mid-Richmond district of San Francisco. I was a few minutes early. So, I wandered around the looked at the shops. One shop had a sign reading “sausagerie” or whatever the word is in English – they make sausages. I love sausages; so, I went inside.
It was a little deli, and 2 old men hunched in front of a TV that was about 2 inches by 3 inches and was spewing a language I didn’t recognize. There was sausage behind the glass. I wasn’t really going to get any sausage, or maybe I was, but I didn’t want to interrupt their viewing. So, I left for the bridal dinner, which was at this Thai place with amazing decor.
Yesterday, I met Julie and Sultan at the Ferry Building. The plan had been to take a ferry to Marin and hike. But Julie was a little sick and worried about the commitment and all the cold air. I checked with Cowgirl Creamery for my friend Emily’s Twig Farm Cheese, but they were out. Alas! Julie mentioned dim sum, and for some reason I told them the story above. We headed for the mid-Richmond for a self-guided neighborhood tour.
It was time for my feeding, but Julie would not let me get a donut. Soon after, we found the Russian Bakery and bought way too many baked goods. (How I feel about baked goods is no secret.) But they wouldn’t let me eat them until after lunch – dim sum. I admired the dish on another table, but it turned out to be chicken feet, and that was a bit too much for us. I don’t think there was a white person in there, besides us, and we had to wait for a table. But the food was delicious (even without ordering the chicken feet). The lunch was also unbelievably affordable; Sultan said “we’re stealing our lunch!”
Sultan wanted to dig into the pastries right away, but we told him he had to wait until we got a coffee in GG Park. Along the way, there was an open house that, of course, we had to take a look at. I love to poke around in people’s lives, and see what it looks like from the inside. Around 20th Ave, we had trouble finding an entry into the park and ended up “hiking” along the side of a freeway eventually entering at the Rose Garden.
The last and only other time I’ve been to the de Young Museum since its reconstruction was at night, when it first opened and people could visit any time, and for free. That time, we went about 10 PM, and the line to get in was even longer when we left at 1 AM. But I never saw the gardens during the day, and with my limited rub-off knowledge of landscape architecture, I thought it was super cool. They had rows of pitasperum tenuafolium (sp?) just like Grayson and I had planted at the house on Benvenue. The magnolia trees had only purple flowers and no leaves. Everything was in rows and forming patterns and textures at a human scale but with variation brought about by good design as much as nature.
We got beverages at the café and enjoyed our Russian pastries there. If we were anywhere near that bakery again, I would have gone back for 6 more. The light poured thru the café windows nearly crossways and the colored light fixtures did their best to compete. Is that a perfect enough happy ending? We, and especially Sultan, were united with pastries…. I think so!
A few weeks ago there was a bridal celebration dinner for Ria in the mid-Richmond district of San Francisco. I was a few minutes early. So, I wandered around the looked at the shops. One shop had a sign reading “sausagerie” or whatever the word is in English – they make sausages. I love sausages; so, I went inside.
It was a little deli, and 2 old men hunched in front of a TV that was about 2 inches by 3 inches and was spewing a language I didn’t recognize. There was sausage behind the glass. I wasn’t really going to get any sausage, or maybe I was, but I didn’t want to interrupt their viewing. So, I left for the bridal dinner, which was at this Thai place with amazing decor.
Yesterday, I met Julie and Sultan at the Ferry Building. The plan had been to take a ferry to Marin and hike. But Julie was a little sick and worried about the commitment and all the cold air. I checked with Cowgirl Creamery for my friend Emily’s Twig Farm Cheese, but they were out. Alas! Julie mentioned dim sum, and for some reason I told them the story above. We headed for the mid-Richmond for a self-guided neighborhood tour.
It was time for my feeding, but Julie would not let me get a donut. Soon after, we found the Russian Bakery and bought way too many baked goods. (How I feel about baked goods is no secret.) But they wouldn’t let me eat them until after lunch – dim sum. I admired the dish on another table, but it turned out to be chicken feet, and that was a bit too much for us. I don’t think there was a white person in there, besides us, and we had to wait for a table. But the food was delicious (even without ordering the chicken feet). The lunch was also unbelievably affordable; Sultan said “we’re stealing our lunch!”
Sultan wanted to dig into the pastries right away, but we told him he had to wait until we got a coffee in GG Park. Along the way, there was an open house that, of course, we had to take a look at. I love to poke around in people’s lives, and see what it looks like from the inside. Around 20th Ave, we had trouble finding an entry into the park and ended up “hiking” along the side of a freeway eventually entering at the Rose Garden.
The last and only other time I’ve been to the de Young Museum since its reconstruction was at night, when it first opened and people could visit any time, and for free. That time, we went about 10 PM, and the line to get in was even longer when we left at 1 AM. But I never saw the gardens during the day, and with my limited rub-off knowledge of landscape architecture, I thought it was super cool. They had rows of pitasperum tenuafolium (sp?) just like Grayson and I had planted at the house on Benvenue. The magnolia trees had only purple flowers and no leaves. Everything was in rows and forming patterns and textures at a human scale but with variation brought about by good design as much as nature.
We got beverages at the café and enjoyed our Russian pastries there. If we were anywhere near that bakery again, I would have gone back for 6 more. The light poured thru the café windows nearly crossways and the colored light fixtures did their best to compete. Is that a perfect enough happy ending? We, and especially Sultan, were united with pastries…. I think so!
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Stages of Heartbreak
I’ve been interested in this idea of the stages of heartbreak for years now, cyclically, as it’s come up in my life. “Getting over it” has, for me, taken between a month and 5+ years and seems not to correlate in any linear fashion to the length of the relationship. (There is that theory that it takes half the length of the relationship to get over it – not my experience.) Instead, it depends almost entirely on how I strongly I felt about the person. Strong feelings are, of course, a function of a lot of things including personality, sex, hopes for the future, and other intangibles.
I’m toying with the idea of mentioning names, but I don’t want to hurt any feelings (or bolster any egos). That’s not what this is about. And it seems like no matter what I say, it can’t possibly do justice to some relationships, good or bad.
The other thing I’ve noticed is that the stages are different for each relationship, and, based on my search of the internet, for each individual. But, to be perfectly honest, what interests me most is not the intangible what one “feels” – bc that can’t really be quantified – but rather, how that influences behavior. For example:
Stage 1: disbelief – never one I’ve experienced for more than a few minutes unless messed with, but it seems that some people just love it.
Stage 2: bargaining – how can I fix this? I, personally, love to fix things, to find a solution that works for everyone. For some people, it appears, this stage comes later.
Stage 3: guilt – again, this stage seems to come later for many people on the internet. I spend my time thinking of every thing I ever did wrong, and, in tandem with stage 2, try to negotiate with my former partner. This, BTW, has never worked. But I can get this perverse idea that if I confess every error I made, I can fix the problem and not have to “get over” this person (the painful part).
Stages 1-3 are accompanied by continual crying and the inability to eat any food. This time, I lost 15 lbs. That’s, to me, the interesting part.
Stage 4: anger – this is, I believe, very healthy. One begins to regain their sense of personal value. It’s no longer “I must be fundamentally unlovable.” Instead, it’s “you must be a horrible person for” (either) 1) “letting me get away,” 2) “treating me so badly”, 3) “leaving” or all of the above. This can include a detailed analysis of every humility or perceived wrong from the relationship; however, I’ve only felt humiliated by what I put up with in… 2 of my relationships.
That said, I admire humility… even strive towards it. I just don’t think it should ever be imposed by those who claim to love us. That’s called Emotional Abuse.
The anger stage can be accompanied by copious drinking. A recent article in the Economist about Country Music stated that booze dulls the pain of heartbreak, one of the main themes of country music, and while New Yorkers spend thousands on therapy, Southerners get the same result by drinking too much and listening to Country Music they empathize with. I haven’t found a good country station in the Bay Area, but the drinking sure is effective. And since I could stand to gain some weight at this point (if only to fit into my clothes again), I can afford it.
Stage 5: acceptance – I read on the internet that this happens. I think I, more often, just move on. The irony here (or whatever) is that I’ve been dating this whole time. I think my light was on (you know, like on a taxi), and I can’t think of a good reason not to stop when guys wave me down. It’s not as interesting as it might sound.
What next? Well, I love my friends, and I give them my complete and undying devotion. Sometimes, I have to break up with them. I used to (like 15 years ago) take pride in staying friends with my exes; my thinking being that if someone was great enough for me to Love, then they are great enough to keep even if the Relationship we hoped for isn’t possible. But I learned the hard way. Friendship is, to me, a huge thing to offer someone. I have a lot of friends, but I pick them carefully and over years.
This may sound self-important, but I still have a lot of friends. And not everyone wants to be friends with me either. Some people take me for a test drive and then lose interest. I don’t blame them. I wish them luck in finding the right friends for them. Let’s not waste each other’s time.
I still haven’t gotten to the point. The point is that if I don’t want to be partners with someone, or they don’t want to be that for me, it’s usually the same reasons we can’t be Friends afterwards. Again, I won’t list off the faults of my exes. But there are things that bug me about people. Maybe they’re too stubborn about some big philosophical thing that I can’t relate to. Maybe they’re emotionally disconnected. Maybe they’re completely selfish. I don’t want to have friends with those qualities either. Without the emotional component, and the sex, I can see that more clearly than with people with whom I once hoped for a Partnership.
I met this guy recently who believes that the foods we crave indicates our life purpose. Although we’ve had coffee together a couple times and forgotten to explore this topic in person, I can’t help but relate it to my experience with heartbreak – how I can’t eat, and then later I just want to drink. I still want to hear his explanation. But I believe our cravings for food are a function of both our emotional and physical states of being (ie, what vitamins and nutrients we need). In fact, I wonder, now, if the two aren’t the same system.
I’m toying with the idea of mentioning names, but I don’t want to hurt any feelings (or bolster any egos). That’s not what this is about. And it seems like no matter what I say, it can’t possibly do justice to some relationships, good or bad.
The other thing I’ve noticed is that the stages are different for each relationship, and, based on my search of the internet, for each individual. But, to be perfectly honest, what interests me most is not the intangible what one “feels” – bc that can’t really be quantified – but rather, how that influences behavior. For example:
Stage 1: disbelief – never one I’ve experienced for more than a few minutes unless messed with, but it seems that some people just love it.
Stage 2: bargaining – how can I fix this? I, personally, love to fix things, to find a solution that works for everyone. For some people, it appears, this stage comes later.
Stage 3: guilt – again, this stage seems to come later for many people on the internet. I spend my time thinking of every thing I ever did wrong, and, in tandem with stage 2, try to negotiate with my former partner. This, BTW, has never worked. But I can get this perverse idea that if I confess every error I made, I can fix the problem and not have to “get over” this person (the painful part).
Stages 1-3 are accompanied by continual crying and the inability to eat any food. This time, I lost 15 lbs. That’s, to me, the interesting part.
Stage 4: anger – this is, I believe, very healthy. One begins to regain their sense of personal value. It’s no longer “I must be fundamentally unlovable.” Instead, it’s “you must be a horrible person for” (either) 1) “letting me get away,” 2) “treating me so badly”, 3) “leaving” or all of the above. This can include a detailed analysis of every humility or perceived wrong from the relationship; however, I’ve only felt humiliated by what I put up with in… 2 of my relationships.
That said, I admire humility… even strive towards it. I just don’t think it should ever be imposed by those who claim to love us. That’s called Emotional Abuse.
The anger stage can be accompanied by copious drinking. A recent article in the Economist about Country Music stated that booze dulls the pain of heartbreak, one of the main themes of country music, and while New Yorkers spend thousands on therapy, Southerners get the same result by drinking too much and listening to Country Music they empathize with. I haven’t found a good country station in the Bay Area, but the drinking sure is effective. And since I could stand to gain some weight at this point (if only to fit into my clothes again), I can afford it.
Stage 5: acceptance – I read on the internet that this happens. I think I, more often, just move on. The irony here (or whatever) is that I’ve been dating this whole time. I think my light was on (you know, like on a taxi), and I can’t think of a good reason not to stop when guys wave me down. It’s not as interesting as it might sound.
What next? Well, I love my friends, and I give them my complete and undying devotion. Sometimes, I have to break up with them. I used to (like 15 years ago) take pride in staying friends with my exes; my thinking being that if someone was great enough for me to Love, then they are great enough to keep even if the Relationship we hoped for isn’t possible. But I learned the hard way. Friendship is, to me, a huge thing to offer someone. I have a lot of friends, but I pick them carefully and over years.
This may sound self-important, but I still have a lot of friends. And not everyone wants to be friends with me either. Some people take me for a test drive and then lose interest. I don’t blame them. I wish them luck in finding the right friends for them. Let’s not waste each other’s time.
I still haven’t gotten to the point. The point is that if I don’t want to be partners with someone, or they don’t want to be that for me, it’s usually the same reasons we can’t be Friends afterwards. Again, I won’t list off the faults of my exes. But there are things that bug me about people. Maybe they’re too stubborn about some big philosophical thing that I can’t relate to. Maybe they’re emotionally disconnected. Maybe they’re completely selfish. I don’t want to have friends with those qualities either. Without the emotional component, and the sex, I can see that more clearly than with people with whom I once hoped for a Partnership.
I met this guy recently who believes that the foods we crave indicates our life purpose. Although we’ve had coffee together a couple times and forgotten to explore this topic in person, I can’t help but relate it to my experience with heartbreak – how I can’t eat, and then later I just want to drink. I still want to hear his explanation. But I believe our cravings for food are a function of both our emotional and physical states of being (ie, what vitamins and nutrients we need). In fact, I wonder, now, if the two aren’t the same system.
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