Earlier this week someone told me that he broke up with his last girlfriend because they ran out of things to talk about. My initial reaction was that that sounds pretty reasonable. Then I thought about it some more, and I realized that I’ve run out of things to talk about in all my LTRs. Possible reasons for this were:
· Me being an undeveloped person at the time of the relationship,
· Him working to much, or
· Us not having enough in common.
I started to wonder, should being bored with your partner be part of a person’s long-term relationship expectations? (Ick.)
I am a research manager. So, it’s easy to approach this issue from that angle. It’d be hard to get a random sample, but I have enormous resources among my many brilliant and fabulous friends. I also thought about posting the question to craigslist, but I have observed that those people are mostly bitter, psycho, and stupid. So, on second thought…. I made some calls and sent some emails and cornered some people at a Birthday party, and here’s what they said (names have been changed):
No, but I repeat myself a lot. Or we just snuggle. Seriously, it hasn’t been a problem.
***
No, couples don't run out of things to say to one another...they talk when they want to talk. If they have nothing to say, they get drunk and screw. Then they have more to talk about.
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I’m afraid that I’m too chatty ever to run out of things to talk about -- although Miranda might wish that I did from time to time! (A statement she absolutely denied.)
***
I never run out of things to say, but Graham is sometimes quiet, which bothers me but that just means I have to call one of my girlfriends.
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There have definitely been quiet moments over dinner (especially when we go out, since when we're at home we'll often read the paper or a magazine while we're eating). Lately, though, we don't seem to run out of things to talk about since I think we have less time where it's just the two of us together, and there's now more to talk about (i.e., our baby). We often talk about things that we've read (news, magazines, books, internet), so I always have less to talk about when I'm reading less.
***
Sometimes we have trouble thinking of things to talk about other than work. We have similar jobs and we’re both really obsessed with them. But at the end of the day over dinner we kind of want to talk about other things. So, it takes us some time to decompress.
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Me? Run out of things to talk about? It's more like trying to get better at realizing when Jack is already asleep and I'm still blabbing. Seriously, though, no. We talk about work, which a lot of couples probably can't do for as long as we do, but I also feel like friends and family and co-workers and pets and neighbors all do enough crazy shit that there's always something to talk about.
"And then Lilia sent that crazy email where she asked if the couples run out of things to talk about. That was crazy."
"Yeah, do you think she worries that after a few dates, she'll get bored with someone?"
"Or vice versa."
"It must have been weird when she dated that French guy: what do you think it's like to not share a native language with your 's.o.'?" (No, that wasn’t the problem.)
"Oh, and, speaking of 's.o.', how do you think Miranda knows so much about what's going on in prison?" (A reference to a previous e-conversation….)
etc.
In sum, one can keep entertained with one’s partner the following ways:
· Having sex
· Reading
· Calling your friends
· Having a baby (which seems a bit of an extreme solution)
Most of my respondents are serious talkers (and women), which not all of us can be. One might even observe that talking too much may also be a problem. But I fear that the introverts of the world are “doomed” (as my conservative-when-it-comes-to-gender-roles-and-relationships Midwestern mother calls women who never couple).
I’ve always been very interested in the details of things: the turn of a hand, the intonation of a voice, the order of steps, light. And I have learned some self-consciousness about talking endlessly about the things that interest me. Not everyone cares. (A while back on a different issue) Christine said that that’s how you choose your friends – they’re the people who want to listen to you talk endlessly about the shadow of an ant because they like you (and vice versa). Maybe that’s a chemical thing.
This research may not have taught us anything. I still believe that what makes a relationship work is 2 things:
1. The ability to create a life with the other person that makes you happy, and
2. Being completely in love with each other.
With that in mind, and as a reformed serial monogamist (many years ago), anyone ever finding a suitable partner seems nearly impossible. And yet somehow it happens all the time....
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2 comments:
In this media saturated culture, quietude gets little respect. Silence is 'boring' they say.
But we can reject this comodification of the human soul.
I think it's possible to know what a partner is feeling just by how they move and breathe. Being quiet together can communicate. But you have to really know someone to get there.
Example:
Sitting around a campfire with friends and loved ones without talking.
It's in our genes, our species did this for thousands of years. When we get quiet and listen to the crackle of the fire, we tap into the genetic memory of our ancestors. At that moment we are truly alive, the concious generation of our species.
Generations become one again.
Can we bring this much conncetion into our relationships? Perhaps.
That's a really lovely and romantic perspective. And I am a huge of silence *some of the time*. I think what we're really talking about here is compatability. Can 2 people agree on how much talking goes on between them, and if they don't, can they find another way to address those needs?
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