Couples and silence (part 3 of the series)

Another respondent said: “Each day brings new events, issues, topics to discuss and share. However, there are times when we just don't feel like talking. We could have an evening where we're puttering or reading or something and not talking. I never feel like we've run out of things to talk about.”

The inspiration for this research said: “Compatibility of brains is important. I think that can be developed, though…. But, of course, you have to be compatible to want to spend enough time for that to develop. I think I'm talking in circles.

”After thinking about it some more yesterday, I think relationships probably all come back to trust and communication. Which are heavily interlinked. You need to be able to trust your partner enough to be able to say what you need and want out of the relationship, and vice versa. Because otherwise you're both going to end up angry and dissatisfied and resentful. And then what's the point, really. It's hard to trust another person and be totally honest and open with them, though…. Because (you might) worry about hurt feelings and saying the wrong thing and being too selfish.”

(To which I said:) “Yeah, back in the day when unrequited love was more common, I used to think that what made a relationship work was the commitment (of both parties) to making it work. Now that I am older and have a better understanding of myself and who I want to be in the world (and who others might want to be too), I realize that the non-lover was picking up on a lack of compatibility that would have reared his ugly head eventually.

“Trust and communication are huge. But I think it's more complicated than that. I mean trust and communication will get you from point A to point B, point B has to work for both parties (a.k.a. prescriptive context). That said, I recognize a lot of my strange behavior has been the result of some perverse attempt at self-protection. I've messed up loads of things that way.

“On the other hand, when you articulate your needs, your partner is more likely to want to meet them if his/her needs are already being met. It's another cyclical thing. So, really the bottom is that at some point someone's needs are being met naturally without anyone having to ask or adjust their behavior or anything. Then you can negotiate all those other things from that solid foundation.”

To bring this conversation back to talking, that “solid foundation” may be based in part of the relevant parties “chattiness” and tolerance/desire for talking (for example). Because I feel like I know many of my respondents pretty well, I can say with some authority that I don’t think the respondent at the beginning of this post would be happy with someone who either talked all the time or expected constant banter. On the other hand, I feel confident that my respondent from the original post who wrote the little conversation and her partner would probably not be as happy with quieter people.

There’s an additional complication: what you’re yammering on about. You’ve both got to be interested in it. But, then, I kind of already covered that in my previous post on this topic (common interests/how much you like each other/the way you both think).

And to sum up with as many clichés as possible… different strokes for different folks. One woman’s trash is another’s treasure. You only have to impress 2 people, your partner and yourself. Or, as my friend Bill quoted from last Sunday night’s Desperate Housewives (a TV show) in a recent email: "The vow is simple, but finding someone worthy of it is the hard part. But if we can, then begins the start of living happily ever after." And we’re back to compatibility. (cue music)