Many of you may recall that I did a weekend-long workshop on Non-Violent Communication (NVC) a few years ago in Norwich, England. Sunday, I did a 3-hour introduction class thru Urban Alliance for Sustainability. To be perfectly honest, I am wary of throwing myself into the whole self-improvement universe – not because I don’t think I have a lot to improve, but rather because I think the vocabulary and mentality you learn alienates those who don’t ride that pony. I believe in the search for self-improvement, but only in the context of how everyone else relates and communicates.
I’m surprised that I’m able to draw in this recent quote:
Ilana said: it’s almost as if there are as many ways to have awkward interactions as there are people (with whom you can have them). (Here I begin to paraphrase) We have all these Miss Manners-type books prescribing how we should treat each other, and there’s still no one solution. We all still do it awkwardly.
That conversation was about something completely different… or was it? There isn’t any one right way to be with other people, and at the same time, we’ve all found ourselves offended when offense wasn’t intended or scratching our heads about a person’s real meaning. Yet, all each of us really wants is to be happy, to have people around us committed to our happiness, and to commit ourselves to the happiness of others. It should be so simple.
At the beginning of the workshop, several people stood up and stated their intensions for being there. People talked about getting away from judgment, about the desire to turn conflict into collaboration, about wanting to keep an open heat. This moved me.
Before the next step, we spent a moment discussing confidentiality. The upshot was that it’s OK to share your own experience, but not someone else’s. I will try to respect that request. They said: this is how trust is built; I disagree. I believe trust is built through acts that express empathy and compassion – this, of course, encompasses disclosure issues.
Our next step was to discuss our intensions for being there with 4 other attendees. I only spoke with 3, but thru that process, I devised 3 intensions, the local to the global:
1) to have happy intimate relationships
2) to do my job of convincing people to use efficient transportation better
3) to discuss national and international issues with people with differing views and promote a more democratic society in the process.
Interestingly, as I described my job to one (older) woman, I saw her face shut down. She had no interest in auto-addiction (not the words I used with her). When I reached “promoting a more democratic society” her face lit up. I realized that much of my movement is generational, and if we don’t the message through to people young enough, they might never be able to hear it. This is another reason why everyone should do a year abroad in school – it fosters an open mind.
I’m rambling on, and I would like to get to the point. I’ll do that another time….
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
More thoughts on my favorite topic
Scientific American: relationships are what makes funny. One example given was Seinfeld. I’m not sure of the exact source.
I had a moment of clarity the other day about… you guessed it: relationships. The problem is that I don’t know exactly which words to use to describe it. But I think a key to a health relationship, to one that builds all parties up rather than takes them down, is democracy. That is, decisions are made together. Starting from the problem, and onto a un-pre-determined solution, determining together what will work for both people. This can be anything from what to do on Saturday to whether or not to continue the Relationship.
I’ve been with a different person each year for the past 4 years. The closeness (in time) of these relationships provides an unusual perspective on relationships, since everyone is so different. For example, 2004-2006 lacked democracy (although 2004 made up for it when I brought it to his attention). Countless studies have found that boys aren’t inclined towards collaboration. I also think that I’m attracted to pig-headedness. However, not all my boyfriends have approached our relationship undemocratically.
I had another sort of revelation recently. I love my gallery. I love sailing. I love jogging. I love my apartment. I love the articles I write. I love the study I’ve been contracted to do. I love my friends and my family. I love San Francisco. I love riding a bicycle. Basically, I love my life. Inviting anyone to be a closer part of my life would be such a big gamble, since I recently experienced so much unhappiness from doing that, I wonder if it would ever be worth that gamble. My happiness feels so precious and fragile; I want to protect it.
Carolyn tells me that I am significantly happier when I have a boyfriend. She also tells me that I was “profoundly unhappy” in my last relationship. So, where does that leave me? Well, I don’t know. I do know that I have developed a bit of distain for this idea of Love. It’s like Tam and I were saying last night: I always cry at weddings but not necessarily at funerals. Good things are dangerous – the more you have, the more you have to lose. And I don’t want people I love to lose that much. So, living in a place of having lost already is much safer.
I had a moment of clarity the other day about… you guessed it: relationships. The problem is that I don’t know exactly which words to use to describe it. But I think a key to a health relationship, to one that builds all parties up rather than takes them down, is democracy. That is, decisions are made together. Starting from the problem, and onto a un-pre-determined solution, determining together what will work for both people. This can be anything from what to do on Saturday to whether or not to continue the Relationship.
I’ve been with a different person each year for the past 4 years. The closeness (in time) of these relationships provides an unusual perspective on relationships, since everyone is so different. For example, 2004-2006 lacked democracy (although 2004 made up for it when I brought it to his attention). Countless studies have found that boys aren’t inclined towards collaboration. I also think that I’m attracted to pig-headedness. However, not all my boyfriends have approached our relationship undemocratically.
I had another sort of revelation recently. I love my gallery. I love sailing. I love jogging. I love my apartment. I love the articles I write. I love the study I’ve been contracted to do. I love my friends and my family. I love San Francisco. I love riding a bicycle. Basically, I love my life. Inviting anyone to be a closer part of my life would be such a big gamble, since I recently experienced so much unhappiness from doing that, I wonder if it would ever be worth that gamble. My happiness feels so precious and fragile; I want to protect it.
Carolyn tells me that I am significantly happier when I have a boyfriend. She also tells me that I was “profoundly unhappy” in my last relationship. So, where does that leave me? Well, I don’t know. I do know that I have developed a bit of distain for this idea of Love. It’s like Tam and I were saying last night: I always cry at weddings but not necessarily at funerals. Good things are dangerous – the more you have, the more you have to lose. And I don’t want people I love to lose that much. So, living in a place of having lost already is much safer.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Strange Timing
You know that my specialty is sharing too much. So, you won't be surprised to learn that I just had most of the hair removed from the lower half of my body for the first time in several months. (I'd even had a dream about it. The situation was dire.)
Afterwards, I headed to a cafe to use their wireless and finish a homework assignment. Here, I walked right up to the back of a man and asked him if he was leaving. Well, guess what? It was a boy I kissed at a party 5 years ago and haven't seen since. I'm not going to date him now, but I thought it was strange timing.
Afterwards, I headed to a cafe to use their wireless and finish a homework assignment. Here, I walked right up to the back of a man and asked him if he was leaving. Well, guess what? It was a boy I kissed at a party 5 years ago and haven't seen since. I'm not going to date him now, but I thought it was strange timing.
Cultural experience
Yesterday morning, I had an interview at a large internet company in the South Bay. I trekked down to 24th and Mission at the ungodly but designated time for its shuttle. There was a mob of young men in leather jackets, jeans, and new canvas laptop cases; so, I figured they must be my people. But I hung back to get on the shuttle last. It filled up, and ultimately a young man gave up his seat to let me ride to my interview.
The bus was really crowded, and they had turned 2 people away (including the guy who gave up his seat for me to make it to my interview). Since the job I interviewed for included running the shuttle service, I could see that I had my work cut out for me. I kept elbowing the guy next to me, and he kept nudging me. I wanted to believe he was hitting on me (he was pretty cute) but I was also aware of the reality of the situation.
The bus had wifi, and I noticed that everyone on the bus was using the email of a competing internet company. I thought that was rather odd.
The first stop was a full 20 minutes earlier than my stop was supposed to be, and I asked the guy next to me how many stops there are:
Him: 4, I think
Me: the schedule they gave me only included 2
Him: some are new, I think.
Me: I’m trying to get to X business park. What city are we in?
Him (shrugging): this is the main campus.
The 3 other women on the bus got off together, looking rather eccentric, and walked together towards one of the buildings. Most everyone else (young men in leather jackets) had a different stop – a stop clearly for the competing internet company. At the last stop, one guy asked me: do you know where you’re going?
Me: No
Him: Did they give you a building number?
I mentioned the company name…. well, it turned out I had gotten on the wrong company’s bus. I guess I thought multiple companies might share buses.
The person interviewing me later clarified that there are actually 4 companies with shuttles from SF to their South Bay campus: eBay, Genetech, Google, and Yahoo!. The shuttle driver dropped me at another shuttle stop where that shuttle arrived shortly and took me to the Caltrain station. Then, another shuttle took me from the Caltrain station to the proper campus. I was only 30 minutes late. I wonder if I could have walked.
So, basically, I toured the South Bay by public transit, and the dot com thing still happening there. The person interviewing me wanted to know all about the other company’s shuttle facilities: what kind of transponder did they have? Yeah, I checked that right after I got on the bus. (Not.) But I was a bit of a company spy already having had that experience. She said they’d had some turnover in the position managing the shuttle which might explain the inadequate capacity.
Who knows what will happen, but I’m kind of excited about trying an entirely different sector of the economy. The obvious jobs for me I already know have undesirable aspects. I’m less excited about the commute, but it got to feeling almost romantic to me on that bus ride down, like we were these people who do this crazy thing and it’s like meditation – something that you do that you don’t really understand but is fun anyway. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Someone please kiss me to shut me up.
The bus was really crowded, and they had turned 2 people away (including the guy who gave up his seat for me to make it to my interview). Since the job I interviewed for included running the shuttle service, I could see that I had my work cut out for me. I kept elbowing the guy next to me, and he kept nudging me. I wanted to believe he was hitting on me (he was pretty cute) but I was also aware of the reality of the situation.
The bus had wifi, and I noticed that everyone on the bus was using the email of a competing internet company. I thought that was rather odd.
The first stop was a full 20 minutes earlier than my stop was supposed to be, and I asked the guy next to me how many stops there are:
Him: 4, I think
Me: the schedule they gave me only included 2
Him: some are new, I think.
Me: I’m trying to get to X business park. What city are we in?
Him (shrugging): this is the main campus.
The 3 other women on the bus got off together, looking rather eccentric, and walked together towards one of the buildings. Most everyone else (young men in leather jackets) had a different stop – a stop clearly for the competing internet company. At the last stop, one guy asked me: do you know where you’re going?
Me: No
Him: Did they give you a building number?
I mentioned the company name…. well, it turned out I had gotten on the wrong company’s bus. I guess I thought multiple companies might share buses.
The person interviewing me later clarified that there are actually 4 companies with shuttles from SF to their South Bay campus: eBay, Genetech, Google, and Yahoo!. The shuttle driver dropped me at another shuttle stop where that shuttle arrived shortly and took me to the Caltrain station. Then, another shuttle took me from the Caltrain station to the proper campus. I was only 30 minutes late. I wonder if I could have walked.
So, basically, I toured the South Bay by public transit, and the dot com thing still happening there. The person interviewing me wanted to know all about the other company’s shuttle facilities: what kind of transponder did they have? Yeah, I checked that right after I got on the bus. (Not.) But I was a bit of a company spy already having had that experience. She said they’d had some turnover in the position managing the shuttle which might explain the inadequate capacity.
Who knows what will happen, but I’m kind of excited about trying an entirely different sector of the economy. The obvious jobs for me I already know have undesirable aspects. I’m less excited about the commute, but it got to feeling almost romantic to me on that bus ride down, like we were these people who do this crazy thing and it’s like meditation – something that you do that you don’t really understand but is fun anyway. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Someone please kiss me to shut me up.
Hey baby, can I fix your bike?
Yes, you read that right. I just had a lovely second date where a guy I met a couple weeks ago began fixing my bike. There was a roommate crisis which required him to rush off, but first I locked my bike in his office. I’m not sure if the rush-off was intended (even subconsciously) to be passive-aggressive. I’m not sure if the locking of the bike in his office was intended to tie me down. The date was one of my best in a while. I think it was because we were doing something I enjoy doing (rather than sitting around over drinks and talking, which can be boring), and because there was a nice energy going.
I guess the other good date this season was one with The Professor, but he ruined it by telling me, apropos of nothing, in gruesome detail about his then-girlfriend’s miscarriage. I’m still traumatized. Even though it wasn’t meant to be, many other aspects of that date were good.
My flirtation with the young sailor continues. At least now we have each other’s phone numbers. My other sailing buddies say I should just ask him on a date, but I’m just not there. They say I am too friendly with everyone, and the guy I like might not know that… I like him particularly. But I prefer to keep things light and non-committal.
Which reminds me of something else I’ve been meaning to do for a while: write down all my favorite original quotes. When my sailing friend said I was too friendly, I quoted my mother:
“It’s easy to make people feel shitty about themselves. Most people already do. If you want a challenge, why not try to make people feel good about themselves.”
Thus, my “excessive” friendliness. She replied that I do a pretty good job of making her feel good about herself. :-)
Another quote that I love, from Kate Gordon, who I went to grad school with:
“If you are asking yourself these questions (is it happening?), then it isn’t happening.” Or, in other words, when it’s happening, you aren’t questioning it. “When it’s right; it’s right” (not an original quote).
I will continue to jot down these quotes as I remember them.
I guess the other good date this season was one with The Professor, but he ruined it by telling me, apropos of nothing, in gruesome detail about his then-girlfriend’s miscarriage. I’m still traumatized. Even though it wasn’t meant to be, many other aspects of that date were good.
My flirtation with the young sailor continues. At least now we have each other’s phone numbers. My other sailing buddies say I should just ask him on a date, but I’m just not there. They say I am too friendly with everyone, and the guy I like might not know that… I like him particularly. But I prefer to keep things light and non-committal.
Which reminds me of something else I’ve been meaning to do for a while: write down all my favorite original quotes. When my sailing friend said I was too friendly, I quoted my mother:
“It’s easy to make people feel shitty about themselves. Most people already do. If you want a challenge, why not try to make people feel good about themselves.”
Thus, my “excessive” friendliness. She replied that I do a pretty good job of making her feel good about herself. :-)
Another quote that I love, from Kate Gordon, who I went to grad school with:
“If you are asking yourself these questions (is it happening?), then it isn’t happening.” Or, in other words, when it’s happening, you aren’t questioning it. “When it’s right; it’s right” (not an original quote).
I will continue to jot down these quotes as I remember them.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Time Travel
Speaking of heartbreak (Quack quack, speaking of ducks), I stopped by Creativity Explored a couple days ago, and they had a fiber sculpture in their window a little like my aunt Judy, the famous fiber sculptor, used to make. Next month it will have been 2 years since her death. I also saw Donnie Darko recently. Despite all of the times it’s been recommended to me, it was OK. I didn’t share its particular interest in insanity and time travel – I thought it missed the point. To me, time travel is appealing to be with loved ones.
Time travel is the only way that we are all always together – I don't think memory is a strong enough word for it. I have wondered what makes now the moment we live in especially when I first wake from dreaming. Maybe it’s a decision. We can also choose to feel like the real present is the time when we were with the ones we love. I think this makes sleeping so appealing when heartbroken. Of course, I think this also compels us to be careful about how we spend our waking life – to focus on the loves we have.
Time travel is the only way that we are all always together – I don't think memory is a strong enough word for it. I have wondered what makes now the moment we live in especially when I first wake from dreaming. Maybe it’s a decision. We can also choose to feel like the real present is the time when we were with the ones we love. I think this makes sleeping so appealing when heartbroken. Of course, I think this also compels us to be careful about how we spend our waking life – to focus on the loves we have.
Guess! ...OK, I'll tell you: Relationships
One of the sailing teachers is an older gentleman named Neil. He’s getting married this weekend. I first met Neil a few months ago when he, another sailing student named Joyce, and I went on a cruise to Sam’s in Tiburon for some vegetable soup. It was a really special day.
You know me, within about 5 minutes, I had them both talking about their loves and losses and what they thought it all meant. Neil took a class in relationships, and he’d learned some very interesting things there that both Joyce and I have been telling our friends ever since. The bottom line is that relationships work best when you are with someone just like you in 3 ways. I’ll try to explain what they are:
1) Assertive vs. receptive… or, as Neil described it, masculine vs. feminine. That is, whether you live in the world responding to others’ needs or expressing your own needs.
2) How you respond to things: people react to the events of their lives in a variety of ways: action, emotion, analysis…. And as time passes, that reaction moves to the next type of reaction. For example, you first react to something upsetting by yelling (action) and then the next day you might start to analyze how to fix it and only a while later do you begin to process your feelings about it. Each person, Neil learned, does this differently; you’ll get along well with someone who does it most similarly to your way.
3) Focus… are you a tinkerer or do you fixate? When approaching a project, it matters if you become obsessed with it or if you graze or even how often you forget what you’re working on or what else you’re doing. I wanted to call this competence as Neil described it, but that’s too value-laden for this application.
You know me, within about 5 minutes, I had them both talking about their loves and losses and what they thought it all meant. Neil took a class in relationships, and he’d learned some very interesting things there that both Joyce and I have been telling our friends ever since. The bottom line is that relationships work best when you are with someone just like you in 3 ways. I’ll try to explain what they are:
1) Assertive vs. receptive… or, as Neil described it, masculine vs. feminine. That is, whether you live in the world responding to others’ needs or expressing your own needs.
2) How you respond to things: people react to the events of their lives in a variety of ways: action, emotion, analysis…. And as time passes, that reaction moves to the next type of reaction. For example, you first react to something upsetting by yelling (action) and then the next day you might start to analyze how to fix it and only a while later do you begin to process your feelings about it. Each person, Neil learned, does this differently; you’ll get along well with someone who does it most similarly to your way.
3) Focus… are you a tinkerer or do you fixate? When approaching a project, it matters if you become obsessed with it or if you graze or even how often you forget what you’re working on or what else you’re doing. I wanted to call this competence as Neil described it, but that’s too value-laden for this application.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Today's bleak thought
Is it possible that happy endings are only happy when you stop the story at the happy part? I mean, time is continuous, but stories begin and end where the storyteller decides they do. So, the decision about whether a story is happy or sad depends entirely on when you decide it ends. And every story ends somewhere.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Thoughts on Trainspotting
Given the rainy day and my hangover, I watched a movie this afternoon, Trainspotting. So much better than last night but I had to pause a few points because I was so disgusted with the needles and the shit. This movie is painful to watch. At the end, the main character steals the money from his friends and runs off for a new life -- he chooses life, in his own words. And it was clear that unless he did something horrible like that, there was no way he was going to get out from under their destructiveness. This act made it necessary for him to stay away.
This reminded me of a phenomenon I learned about from Friends (the TV show) when a guy acts like a total jerk so his girlfriend will break up with him and he doesn't have to do it. Or even how our bodies, when we're sick, make us smell bad to keep others away. Obviously, a kind person would not use this kind of mechanism intentionally, but the Ewan McGregor character never claimed to be a kind person. I like kind people, and I intend to be one. That said, a lot can be said for subconscious sabotage especially when one is pushed to the wall.
This reminded me of a phenomenon I learned about from Friends (the TV show) when a guy acts like a total jerk so his girlfriend will break up with him and he doesn't have to do it. Or even how our bodies, when we're sick, make us smell bad to keep others away. Obviously, a kind person would not use this kind of mechanism intentionally, but the Ewan McGregor character never claimed to be a kind person. I like kind people, and I intend to be one. That said, a lot can be said for subconscious sabotage especially when one is pushed to the wall.
Parties and a film review
I guess the first full week in February is a big social week – Monday was the sailing club’s quarterly meeting which was super fun. I like those guys. Tuesday was Love on Wheels (SFBC’s annual Valentine’s Day party) and another party I enjoyed too. Last night was the opening Gala for SF Indie Fest – the independent film festival.
I went with Gabriel – we decided to volunteer at the last minute in order to get into the sold-out show and party. So, I got to boss a lot of people around to keep them from going the wrong way. The opening film was
The Gala was at the
Gabe had a lot of schmoozing to do while I either tagged along or, later, danced. I left at about 1 with a guy who’s trying to set up an alternative film festival in
The rain is cramping my style, and it seems like it’s going to be a low-key weekend. Now, I’m looking forward to that. I have a lot of work to do.
Turned tables
I’m sure context is everything, but, by comparison with my January breakup, I replied to The Professor (paraphrased so as not to include too much information): “You’re so sweet. Of course, I want to be friends. I mean, I thought we were friends. I’m happy for you.”
I’m not holding myself as some kind of model when being broken up with. I’m most certainly not. Trust me! But these situations were somewhat similar – only a few dates but for various reasons it was still important to say something. In examining them and other breakups, the answer might be in reach (how much you’ve given to the relationship considering your comfort level with giving that without anything in return) or expectations (how much you hoped the relationship would continue and grow). I guess in a way the two are related since you wouldn’t give too much if you didn’t believe in the relationship. But it seems like we should date people we want to be friends with (that is, unless they’ve ripped your heart out and spat on it) – at least, that’s why I was confused by my January man. The psychobabble might be that the healthy approach to dating is to believe in the possibilities without over-reaching. This reminds me of a poem I have on the bulletin board in my kitchen:
even after all this time,
the sun never says to the earth
you owe me.
look what happens
with a love like that:
It lights up the whole sky.
hafiz
Yeah, so, I don’t know how to do that, but it’s good to have goals. I feel like I just, this hung over morning, changed stages. I wonder if it will stick, and what’s next.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Stuff as violence
My goals for today were:
Write an article: how I pay my rent... this week
Catch up on my reading and homework: kinda important
Go for a run: I’m training to *run* the Bay to Breakers this year.
Maybe do some laundry: not really necessary, but I felt like it.
Well, I started to think about lack of flow. For example, a computer cord was causing me to walk all the way around my coffee table to get to the couch instead of going directly to it (I didn’t want to risk tripping on the cord and knocking the computer to the ground). I decided to place a power strip on the opposite side of the couch. I redecorated a month or so ago, and I’m still dealing with where exactly everything is going to go.
One thing led to another, and I ended up sorting thru things. I started to think of stuff as violence. Not only does it prevent the flow of life, of me living in my home, but it also becomes emotionally loaded. I have this faded little curtain that I used when I was in HS; it’s pretty – someone might even frame it for the wall – but it doesn’t serve any purpose in my life anymore. I have all kinds of clothing for skiing, but I no longer ski.
At the same time, people keep giving me things from my past: my unfinished drawings, the teddy bear I used to sleep with… they break my heart, and I don’t want them. Stuff feels like a constraint, like it’s keeping me from growing… or flowing… thru my life as it exists now. I want to do the best NOW I possibly can, and I can’t do that with two pairs of ski gloves I’ve never worn.
So, here I am with stuff all over my apartment. I can’t stop because everything is under something else. I have to finish instead of doing so many more important things.
Write an article: how I pay my rent... this week
Catch up on my reading and homework: kinda important
Go for a run: I’m training to *run* the Bay to Breakers this year.
Maybe do some laundry: not really necessary, but I felt like it.
Well, I started to think about lack of flow. For example, a computer cord was causing me to walk all the way around my coffee table to get to the couch instead of going directly to it (I didn’t want to risk tripping on the cord and knocking the computer to the ground). I decided to place a power strip on the opposite side of the couch. I redecorated a month or so ago, and I’m still dealing with where exactly everything is going to go.
One thing led to another, and I ended up sorting thru things. I started to think of stuff as violence. Not only does it prevent the flow of life, of me living in my home, but it also becomes emotionally loaded. I have this faded little curtain that I used when I was in HS; it’s pretty – someone might even frame it for the wall – but it doesn’t serve any purpose in my life anymore. I have all kinds of clothing for skiing, but I no longer ski.
At the same time, people keep giving me things from my past: my unfinished drawings, the teddy bear I used to sleep with… they break my heart, and I don’t want them. Stuff feels like a constraint, like it’s keeping me from growing… or flowing… thru my life as it exists now. I want to do the best NOW I possibly can, and I can’t do that with two pairs of ski gloves I’ve never worn.
So, here I am with stuff all over my apartment. I can’t stop because everything is under something else. I have to finish instead of doing so many more important things.
Choice and community
I’ve been listening to NPR a good bit of today. When they’re not doing pledge drives, they had a talk about radio. Someone observed that lack of choice fosters community. When everyone listened to the same radio station, everyone had that to talk about. This idea can be extrapolated outward to all kinds of levels. For example, when people married/y their high school sweethearts, they build their community from their community, with the sets of parents being friends and neighbors long before the kids united. A shared history glues people together.
Dating update
That was my transition to another recent thought…. I’m very “out” about being single. And I’ve been making a lot of new friends lately. This brings up some problems. For example, I get asked out by all kinds of people I thought I was just cultivated a friendship with. At first, I thought about officially closing the position to any “new applicants”, but I realized that was wimping out. When I was younger and less skilled, I might have shied from these relationships. But I realize now that the challenge is how to redirect that attraction into a relationship that works for everyone. I think the most important part may be to avoid hurting people’s feelings. I don’t know exactly how to do it, but I have seen it done, and I want to learn. Afterall, good taste is a fine basis for a friendship. ;-)
I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. Dating isn’t all bad. I like the professor (as we call him) – I’m just not sure he’s the perfect one for me. And… “I met this really cute boy sailing. I have a huge crush on him. But I’m afraid he may be too young for me. I’m not sure how I feel about it,” I told Grayson yesterday.
“It sounds like you know exactly how you feel about it. You just don’t know what to think about it,” he responded. Um, yeah.
PS from the end of the day: I, at least, got the run in….
I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. Dating isn’t all bad. I like the professor (as we call him) – I’m just not sure he’s the perfect one for me. And… “I met this really cute boy sailing. I have a huge crush on him. But I’m afraid he may be too young for me. I’m not sure how I feel about it,” I told Grayson yesterday.
“It sounds like you know exactly how you feel about it. You just don’t know what to think about it,” he responded. Um, yeah.
PS from the end of the day: I, at least, got the run in….
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Neighborhood tour photos
We continue the neighborhood tours. Here are photos from Saturday's tour. Unfortunately, my battery died almost immediately. I only took these three.
A date in review
A couple years ago, I was telling my friend and coworker Marty some dating stories. He became addicted and started asking me for new stories every week. He suggested I blog about them, but at the time there was someone whose feelings I didn’t want to hurt. That isn’t the case now.
I mentioned before that I’ve been dating. I have a few good leads at any moment, although who they are might change quickly. Friday evening was the first time I had free to meet up with a certain guy. It was a blind internet date – he’s an artist and his emails actually made me laugh even though they were intended to do so. He looked kinda dorky in the photos, but you can’t really tell until you meet someone anyway.
He was like 5 minutes late to 111 Minna (his choice, and a promising one), during which time several other people had asked me if I was the person they were hoping to meet. I started to wonder if the whole city was just a bunch of lonely people trying to meet up, and how is it that it comes to this? The art on the wall was stylisted cartoon images of saints and the seven deadly sins; the deadly sins were interesting but I didn’t understand them. Anyway, he arrived. He was cuter than the photos – actually attractive. He made me laugh almost instantly and continued to do so. It was clear he was pleased with me. He got me a bubble water and himself a tequila sunrise, and we selected a booth to sit and chat.
That’s when the trouble began. We selected a booth, but he sat on my side way too close. I’d known this guy for like 7 minutes at this point. I felt like a girl from the ‘50s angling in the car so that guy can’t put his arm around her. I sat with my back to the wall and my legs on the seat between us, and still he kept scooting towards me every chance he got.
OK, so we’re having pleasant conversation all this time, and he keeps touching me…My leg, my sock, my hair. Guys, if and when I want you to touch me, YOU WILL KNOW. I’ve been on like 30-something internet dates over the years (I find them entertaining from a scientific standpoint), and never, ever have I been in this kind of situation. I felt all the muscles in my body spasm, in a very bad way, as I tried to angle away from this guy, get a little personal space.
That’s really the end of the story: smart, cute, funny, made me laugh, but kept touching me and sat too close. Seeing as we’d known each other for 7 minutes, and he missed all of my physical queues, telling him just didn’t seem worth the confrontation.
We’d met at 5, and usually these things take about an hour. I hoped to get to Critical Mass before it left at about 6:30. But I didn’t get away until closer to 7 – I knew I’d missed the bike ride. So, kinda bummed and with new tension knots in my neck and shoulder, I started riding home in the rain. I stopped at a stop light, and just then, the ride began to pass the other way. As I joined them, I knew my night was saved.
Aren’t happy endings wonderful? If only it were that simple. The things about life is that the only ending is death, and I bet we won’t be assessing our “happy endings” once we’re dead. I got about an hour into the ride when I started to think bad thoughts. So, I went home and watched a movie.
I mentioned before that I’ve been dating. I have a few good leads at any moment, although who they are might change quickly. Friday evening was the first time I had free to meet up with a certain guy. It was a blind internet date – he’s an artist and his emails actually made me laugh even though they were intended to do so. He looked kinda dorky in the photos, but you can’t really tell until you meet someone anyway.
He was like 5 minutes late to 111 Minna (his choice, and a promising one), during which time several other people had asked me if I was the person they were hoping to meet. I started to wonder if the whole city was just a bunch of lonely people trying to meet up, and how is it that it comes to this? The art on the wall was stylisted cartoon images of saints and the seven deadly sins; the deadly sins were interesting but I didn’t understand them. Anyway, he arrived. He was cuter than the photos – actually attractive. He made me laugh almost instantly and continued to do so. It was clear he was pleased with me. He got me a bubble water and himself a tequila sunrise, and we selected a booth to sit and chat.
That’s when the trouble began. We selected a booth, but he sat on my side way too close. I’d known this guy for like 7 minutes at this point. I felt like a girl from the ‘50s angling in the car so that guy can’t put his arm around her. I sat with my back to the wall and my legs on the seat between us, and still he kept scooting towards me every chance he got.
OK, so we’re having pleasant conversation all this time, and he keeps touching me…My leg, my sock, my hair. Guys, if and when I want you to touch me, YOU WILL KNOW. I’ve been on like 30-something internet dates over the years (I find them entertaining from a scientific standpoint), and never, ever have I been in this kind of situation. I felt all the muscles in my body spasm, in a very bad way, as I tried to angle away from this guy, get a little personal space.
That’s really the end of the story: smart, cute, funny, made me laugh, but kept touching me and sat too close. Seeing as we’d known each other for 7 minutes, and he missed all of my physical queues, telling him just didn’t seem worth the confrontation.
We’d met at 5, and usually these things take about an hour. I hoped to get to Critical Mass before it left at about 6:30. But I didn’t get away until closer to 7 – I knew I’d missed the bike ride. So, kinda bummed and with new tension knots in my neck and shoulder, I started riding home in the rain. I stopped at a stop light, and just then, the ride began to pass the other way. As I joined them, I knew my night was saved.
Aren’t happy endings wonderful? If only it were that simple. The things about life is that the only ending is death, and I bet we won’t be assessing our “happy endings” once we’re dead. I got about an hour into the ride when I started to think bad thoughts. So, I went home and watched a movie.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Reasons not to tell someone something
For various reasons lately, I’ve been thinking about reasons not to tell people things. I like to share; I keep a blog for heaven’s sake. Sometimes, I say too much. Rarely do I say too little. Don’t get me wrong, I can keep a secret if instructed to do so. I sometimes even keep things to myself that might be secrets.
The other side of this issue is intimacy. Obviously, I’m not talking about keeping secrets from your partner. I don’t do that. I don’t believe in it. Maybe that’s why I’m single. I don’t do things that I can’t tell my partner (when I have one), and I expect that when my friends tell me something they understand that I’m likely to discuss it with my partner. Of course, my partner is then expected to keep my friends’ secrets, but I guess that’s a criterion. I expect the same of my partner.
There are people I see every week, or talk to on the phone with every day, who I don’t tell some things. While there are others I see four times a year who I do tell those things. Here’s my first pass at reasons not to tell people things:
• It might hurt their feelings.
• It’s someone else’s secret.
• Political: they might object to it philosophically.
• They might judge me for it or say something hurtful regarding it.
• It might change their perception or expectations of me in a way I don’t want.
• They might use it against me in the future.
• They might become unhealthily emotionally attached to it.
• They might tell someone else who might have one of the above reactions to it.
The other side of this issue is intimacy. Obviously, I’m not talking about keeping secrets from your partner. I don’t do that. I don’t believe in it. Maybe that’s why I’m single. I don’t do things that I can’t tell my partner (when I have one), and I expect that when my friends tell me something they understand that I’m likely to discuss it with my partner. Of course, my partner is then expected to keep my friends’ secrets, but I guess that’s a criterion. I expect the same of my partner.
There are people I see every week, or talk to on the phone with every day, who I don’t tell some things. While there are others I see four times a year who I do tell those things. Here’s my first pass at reasons not to tell people things:
• It might hurt their feelings.
• It’s someone else’s secret.
• Political: they might object to it philosophically.
• They might judge me for it or say something hurtful regarding it.
• It might change their perception or expectations of me in a way I don’t want.
• They might use it against me in the future.
• They might become unhealthily emotionally attached to it.
• They might tell someone else who might have one of the above reactions to it.
NEWSFLASH: Guitar Man Is Funny.
Yesterday, a reliable source reported that Guitar Man, aka Crazy Guitar Man (CGM), made a funny joke. CGM was perusing CityArt Gallery and saw his own reflection in one of the works of art for sale there. It was a mosaic frame around a mirror. He smelled of urine, was wearing his usual clown-like outfit and carrying his guitar. He screamed: “That’s ugly,” and pointed to his reflection in the mirror. Since everyone else in the gallery assumed he was crazy, and/or calling the art ugly and not his reflection, they ignored him. Our source laughed, making herself appear crazy and in some weird psychological cahoots with CGM.
Other sources have reported that CGM is not homeless though he could easily be mistaken for a homeless person. They say he is “way too together” and must live somewhere and have some kind of financial support. CGM is known to stand in doorways of the mid-Mission (around 20th Street usually on Valencia) playing songs on his guitar that presumably he wrote himself. “He could be very talented,” a fellow mission resident speculated. “It’s just impossible to tell beneath his appearance of homelessness.”
Other sources have reported that CGM is not homeless though he could easily be mistaken for a homeless person. They say he is “way too together” and must live somewhere and have some kind of financial support. CGM is known to stand in doorways of the mid-Mission (around 20th Street usually on Valencia) playing songs on his guitar that presumably he wrote himself. “He could be very talented,” a fellow mission resident speculated. “It’s just impossible to tell beneath his appearance of homelessness.”
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