Aparently this is a difficult question. I picked up a Contra Costa Times on the BART the other day and found an article about the best places to get fish and chips in their areas. Two of those places are geographically desirable to me:
Spenger's in Berkeley (been there many times as a kid)
Sea Salt on San Pablo in Berkeley (never heard of it, but interested)
In San Francisco, Edinburgh Castle was mentioned several times in my google search. I took Jared there recently and thought it was just OK. I think there had been a problem getting the food from the little store around the corner to the pub. Other places mentioned:
The Liberties on Guerrero at 22nd (been there, don't remember what I ordered)
Wilde Oscar's on Folsom at 15th (never been there, but interested now)
But, I don't know. After Alaska, I may be spoiled for the best fish and chips California has the offer.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
Marriage trends a-changin'
....The survey revealed wide disparities in household composition by place. The proportion of married couples ranged from more than 69 percent in Utah County, Utah, which includes Provo, to 26 percent in Manhattan, which has a smaller share of married couples than almost anyplace in the country. But Manhattan registered a 1.2 percent increase in married couples since 2000, in contrast to the rest of New York City and many other places.
* Among counties, the highest proportion of unmarried opposite-sex partners was in Mendocino, Calif., where they made up nearly 11 percent of all households.
* The highest share of male couples was in San Francisco, where, according to the census, they accounted for nearly 2 percent of all households. In Manhattan, they made up 1 percent of households.
* Hampshire County, Mass., home to Northampton, had the highest proportion of female couples, at 1.7 percent.
...
A number of couples interviewed agreed that cohabiting was akin to taking a test drive and, given the scarcity of affordable apartments and homes, also a matter of convenience. Some said that pregnancy was the only thing that would prompt them to make a legal commitment soon. Others said they never intended to marry. A few of those couples said they were inspired by solidarity with gay and lesbian couples who cannot legally marry in most states.
NYT
* Among counties, the highest proportion of unmarried opposite-sex partners was in Mendocino, Calif., where they made up nearly 11 percent of all households.
* The highest share of male couples was in San Francisco, where, according to the census, they accounted for nearly 2 percent of all households. In Manhattan, they made up 1 percent of households.
* Hampshire County, Mass., home to Northampton, had the highest proportion of female couples, at 1.7 percent.
...
A number of couples interviewed agreed that cohabiting was akin to taking a test drive and, given the scarcity of affordable apartments and homes, also a matter of convenience. Some said that pregnancy was the only thing that would prompt them to make a legal commitment soon. Others said they never intended to marry. A few of those couples said they were inspired by solidarity with gay and lesbian couples who cannot legally marry in most states.
NYT
Friday, October 13, 2006
Ilana in Ecuador
Ilana says: Here are a couple of pictures from Ecuador. The first is the view from my bathroom (literally) in Chugchilan. The second is the volcanic lagoon of Quilotoa (remember the volacanic lagoon in Omatepe, Lilia?), and the last is my favorite sign in Ecuador, in a teensy village I hiked through, Guayambe I think it was called.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Failure is a Good Thing by Jon Carroll
Success is boring. Success is proving that you can do something that you already know you can do… Failure is how we learn.
The first time I played pool, I won. I explained to my friends that it's because I have an innate understanding of physics. I'm a spatial thinker. Alas. I never won again.
When my little sister was born, they gave her a bunch of tests as they do all babies. She came out low in one, and although I was 4 at the time, I remembered this. I had been a perfect baby. She, despite taking all the attention away from me, was not. As soon as she was old enough to understand, I explained this to her: she is an inferior person; in order to keep up with everyone else, she would have to work a lot harder.
So, here's the funny part: she did (work a lot harder). She's done everything I've done, but better. She's multilingual; I am not. My Master's is from Berkeley; her's Harvard. I went to a small liberal arts college in New England; she went to a better one. I've traveled around the world; she's been to 5 countries in the last 3 weeks. I chose a profession to help people (transportation planning); so did she (international education policy). Despite this paragraph, we aren't competitive. She cares more, works harder than I do, and I respect her for that.
Because of what I told her about herself (which was false, by the way) she expected to fail at first, to have to try harder. Based on my 4-year-old understanding of these tests, I always thought everything would come to me easily, because I was a perfect baby. So, Maybe I'm afraid to fail, afraid to try too hard in case I did fail. I believe that this particular form of sibling torture did her a huge favor.
I don't really have a point other than that, if we would all just embrace failure, maybe we'd all be a lot happier and more successful.
The first time I played pool, I won. I explained to my friends that it's because I have an innate understanding of physics. I'm a spatial thinker. Alas. I never won again.
When my little sister was born, they gave her a bunch of tests as they do all babies. She came out low in one, and although I was 4 at the time, I remembered this. I had been a perfect baby. She, despite taking all the attention away from me, was not. As soon as she was old enough to understand, I explained this to her: she is an inferior person; in order to keep up with everyone else, she would have to work a lot harder.
So, here's the funny part: she did (work a lot harder). She's done everything I've done, but better. She's multilingual; I am not. My Master's is from Berkeley; her's Harvard. I went to a small liberal arts college in New England; she went to a better one. I've traveled around the world; she's been to 5 countries in the last 3 weeks. I chose a profession to help people (transportation planning); so did she (international education policy). Despite this paragraph, we aren't competitive. She cares more, works harder than I do, and I respect her for that.
Because of what I told her about herself (which was false, by the way) she expected to fail at first, to have to try harder. Based on my 4-year-old understanding of these tests, I always thought everything would come to me easily, because I was a perfect baby. So, Maybe I'm afraid to fail, afraid to try too hard in case I did fail. I believe that this particular form of sibling torture did her a huge favor.
I don't really have a point other than that, if we would all just embrace failure, maybe we'd all be a lot happier and more successful.
Mary Karr and Calvin Trillin on Memoir, A City Arts and Lectures event
Last night, we went to see Calvin Trillin and Mary Karr talk about memoir as part of the City Arts and Lectures series (benefiting 826 Valencia, a NPO helping students 6-18 learn to write). DeAnne gave me the tickets bc at the last minute she couldn’t make it (had to go to LA for work). Jon Carroll introduced Mary Karr as the person who wrote “The Liars Club” and many many books of poetry. He introduced Calvin Trillin as the person who wrote half the magazine articles you’ve read in your life. He also wrote a memoir about his late wife, Alice.
Mary Karr was quick-witted and funny. Calvin Trillin was funny too, but not at all quick. It took some time to get into the rhythm of his speaking pattern and humor, but once we did he was mesmerizing. I hung on his every pause. Per DeAnne’s request, I took notes.
• MK thought she put everything she knew in her first book. Now she’s on her third.
• Jon Carroll asked if any family members or neighbors objected to the ugly things she said in her book. She said everyone knew those things. For example, the fact that her mother tried to stab her, well, she knew that she did that. It wasn’t a high point in her parenting, but it happened, and it went into the book. Likewise, that MK said that the TX town she grew up in was ugly – everyone living there knows that even though they’re from TX.
• Along the same lines, she said that she loves her mother, that 40-some-odd years of being loved by her mother wasn’t negated by this one incident where her mother tried to stab her.
• CT wrote an article about his wife where he made her a sitcom character. The book was to make her real.
• For (memoir) writers, family members are the collateral damage of war. CT said that the Dostoyevsky Rule gives you the right to tell your family’s secrets. That is, if there’s a chance you’re as great a writer as Dostoyevsky, you are entitled to share your family’s secrets. If there’s no chance of that, you aren’t entitled to it.
• MK: Memoir is different than therapy bc when you write a memoir they pay you.
• Reading memoir, or any portrayal of family (Jerry Springer? Father Knows Best?) puts your family on a spectrum with other families: you know yours is not as “perfect” or as “crazy” as that one.
• Literature makes us a community. It connects us. You read about other peoples’ families, and you can relate to their issues and learn from their experiences.
• Memory is the pellet that you put in the water of memoir and it blooms into a flower (like the kind you would get at a circus).
• CT: Your family becomes the characters in your novel. You take away their ability to write their own stories about your shared history.
• The “Quirky Beast” (such as the New Yorker) – if you tinker with it, it will fall apart. But understanding how it works now is impossible.
• A member of the audience mentioned Jon Carroll’s recent NPR piece on the benefits of failure (I am very interested in this idea.) and asked the writers about theirs.
o MK gave a few examples. One was that she is now a Guggenheim Fellow. She applied for that fellowship 18 times!
o CT described an article he wrote about a small island country called Naru. It’s on mineral deposits and turned out to be more valuable for minerals than as a country. The New Yorker bought it, but never printed it. He recently learned that they use that article to test people who want to work for the New Yorker as a copy editor. An audience member pointed out that, like the country, his article was more valuable as a copy editing test (minerals) than its intended purpose (reading pleasure, or a country).
• Another audience member mentioned that her family loves to read CT’s poetry in The Nation together.
Jared has… mentioned… my disclosures (he said he feels like Jerry Springer’s wife), and I wonder if this event helped him understand where I’m coming from a little better. I want to look into this idea of the benefits of failure some more….
Mary Karr was quick-witted and funny. Calvin Trillin was funny too, but not at all quick. It took some time to get into the rhythm of his speaking pattern and humor, but once we did he was mesmerizing. I hung on his every pause. Per DeAnne’s request, I took notes.
• MK thought she put everything she knew in her first book. Now she’s on her third.
• Jon Carroll asked if any family members or neighbors objected to the ugly things she said in her book. She said everyone knew those things. For example, the fact that her mother tried to stab her, well, she knew that she did that. It wasn’t a high point in her parenting, but it happened, and it went into the book. Likewise, that MK said that the TX town she grew up in was ugly – everyone living there knows that even though they’re from TX.
• Along the same lines, she said that she loves her mother, that 40-some-odd years of being loved by her mother wasn’t negated by this one incident where her mother tried to stab her.
• CT wrote an article about his wife where he made her a sitcom character. The book was to make her real.
• For (memoir) writers, family members are the collateral damage of war. CT said that the Dostoyevsky Rule gives you the right to tell your family’s secrets. That is, if there’s a chance you’re as great a writer as Dostoyevsky, you are entitled to share your family’s secrets. If there’s no chance of that, you aren’t entitled to it.
• MK: Memoir is different than therapy bc when you write a memoir they pay you.
• Reading memoir, or any portrayal of family (Jerry Springer? Father Knows Best?) puts your family on a spectrum with other families: you know yours is not as “perfect” or as “crazy” as that one.
• Literature makes us a community. It connects us. You read about other peoples’ families, and you can relate to their issues and learn from their experiences.
• Memory is the pellet that you put in the water of memoir and it blooms into a flower (like the kind you would get at a circus).
• CT: Your family becomes the characters in your novel. You take away their ability to write their own stories about your shared history.
• The “Quirky Beast” (such as the New Yorker) – if you tinker with it, it will fall apart. But understanding how it works now is impossible.
• A member of the audience mentioned Jon Carroll’s recent NPR piece on the benefits of failure (I am very interested in this idea.) and asked the writers about theirs.
o MK gave a few examples. One was that she is now a Guggenheim Fellow. She applied for that fellowship 18 times!
o CT described an article he wrote about a small island country called Naru. It’s on mineral deposits and turned out to be more valuable for minerals than as a country. The New Yorker bought it, but never printed it. He recently learned that they use that article to test people who want to work for the New Yorker as a copy editor. An audience member pointed out that, like the country, his article was more valuable as a copy editing test (minerals) than its intended purpose (reading pleasure, or a country).
• Another audience member mentioned that her family loves to read CT’s poetry in The Nation together.
Jared has… mentioned… my disclosures (he said he feels like Jerry Springer’s wife), and I wonder if this event helped him understand where I’m coming from a little better. I want to look into this idea of the benefits of failure some more….
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Update
I owe you some more stories about AK. That said, I have been completely overwhelmed with 2 things:
1) the gallery: my work is in the front room this month (cityartgallery.org). Since I have no new work (1), I had to spend a lot of time recycling and sorting to fill up my allotted wall space. We hung tonight (super fun!), and I feel pretty good about it. I have more work to do bf the opening on Friday (I hope you'll come!) but it feels generally under control.
2) the idea of a new bike: I have decided I want a bike with lugs, the prettier the better. So, I have been spending many hours every evening I'm not occupied searching ebay and craigslist. As you can imagine, Jared is incredibly supportive of this project. The other issue is that I noticed my Randonee doesn't fit me all that well -- it's too long. So, I have to check each bike not only for lugs and prettiness, but also for top tube length. I am going to be so knowledgeable by the time all this is thru!!!
The job search continues, and I feel optimistic about it. Just to hedge my bets, I'll apply for a few more jobs this week. Jared has had a nasty cold, but you know I am perfectly happy to sleep all the time. So, that works. Last week, I spent a big chunk of time working on a grant application for Gabe's film ("Less") about a homeless man.
I thought that selling my TV would get me to bed hours earlier. But, as you can see from the time of this post, nothing has changed.
(1) I am very excited about some of the stuff I'm working on, just not ready to put it on the walls....
1) the gallery: my work is in the front room this month (cityartgallery.org). Since I have no new work (1), I had to spend a lot of time recycling and sorting to fill up my allotted wall space. We hung tonight (super fun!), and I feel pretty good about it. I have more work to do bf the opening on Friday (I hope you'll come!) but it feels generally under control.
2) the idea of a new bike: I have decided I want a bike with lugs, the prettier the better. So, I have been spending many hours every evening I'm not occupied searching ebay and craigslist. As you can imagine, Jared is incredibly supportive of this project. The other issue is that I noticed my Randonee doesn't fit me all that well -- it's too long. So, I have to check each bike not only for lugs and prettiness, but also for top tube length. I am going to be so knowledgeable by the time all this is thru!!!
The job search continues, and I feel optimistic about it. Just to hedge my bets, I'll apply for a few more jobs this week. Jared has had a nasty cold, but you know I am perfectly happy to sleep all the time. So, that works. Last week, I spent a big chunk of time working on a grant application for Gabe's film ("Less") about a homeless man.
I thought that selling my TV would get me to bed hours earlier. But, as you can see from the time of this post, nothing has changed.
(1) I am very excited about some of the stuff I'm working on, just not ready to put it on the walls....
Monday, September 25, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Another Century
Jared and I did the Tahoe Sierra Century last weekend on a rented tandem. It was pretty intense, but we survived. It included a 6,800 foot vertical gain over the 100 miles, which is no Death Ride (15K feet over 129 miles) but impressive anyway. I'm sure you'd agree.
I really enjoyed riding the tandem with Jared, and he says it was OK too. It resolved a lot of issues that have come up with pace and talking while riding. I'm terrified to descend quickly, and there were some pretty serious descents on this ride, but I just closed my eyes and crouched against Jared's back side. We lived. We're always near each other; so, talking is only a problem when it's windy.
It's also an interesting exercise for a couple. You have to pedal in cync and communicate with your partner what you're doing and when. We chatted with one guy who said that he had been married for 25 years, and he and his wife DO NOT like to ride a tandem together. They learned that they need separate bikes. I quickly became comfortable with Jared doing all the steering -- I didn't need to look out for potholes or lean for corners. I needed to do what he asked me to do (stand, sit, work, etc.).
I really enjoyed riding the tandem with Jared, and he says it was OK too. It resolved a lot of issues that have come up with pace and talking while riding. I'm terrified to descend quickly, and there were some pretty serious descents on this ride, but I just closed my eyes and crouched against Jared's back side. We lived. We're always near each other; so, talking is only a problem when it's windy.
It's also an interesting exercise for a couple. You have to pedal in cync and communicate with your partner what you're doing and when. We chatted with one guy who said that he had been married for 25 years, and he and his wife DO NOT like to ride a tandem together. They learned that they need separate bikes. I quickly became comfortable with Jared doing all the steering -- I didn't need to look out for potholes or lean for corners. I needed to do what he asked me to do (stand, sit, work, etc.).
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Alaska (and Hood Canal) vacation
Jared has compiled, processed, titled, and posted our photos here (on 3 pages). It was my intension to post these with my trip narrative, but alas, he's way faster than I am (probably bc he has less time; have you heard the quote, "if you want something done, give it to someone who's busy"?).
Here are a few of my highlights:
1) the Salmon Migration
The creeks held literally more fish than water. You've seen the documentaries, and how amazing it is when they jump up stream. It was like that except that there really wasn't enough space for them all. They were each about the size of a boot (Jared identified various species), and when one advanced, it had to bite its companions to get them to move out of the way. I think we took a movie, but I'm not sure if it came out.
2) the Mendenhall Glacier
Huge, and absolutely phenomenal... The day we hiked up the west trail blew my mind. Make sure to try to find the people in that one photo of it on page 2. It will give you a sense of scale. I heard someone say this glacier moves 500 feet per year. Can you imagine the sheer force of an environmental event like that???!
3) the Ferry
Basically, I want to be on the ferry all the time. It's comfortable. Beautiful scenery floats past. Showers are clean and hot. It has $2.50 beers (Alaskan). The food is decent and reasonably priced. There's unlimited free hot water. Other people camping on the deck are interesting and friendly. Yeah, when you're bike-camping in the rain for 2.5 weeks maybe your standards change, but if I did this trip all over again, I would have stayed on the boat most of the time. If you go, DO NOT get a stateroom; camp on the deck.
4) the Beer
Both Haines Brewing Company (which does not distribute outside Haines) and Alaskan make great beer. At Haines, my favorites were the IPA and the Stout. At Alaskan, the ESB and... was it the stout again? I might be able to get Jared to remind me.
5) the Bear
It was a relatively brief event. You can see the dark photo. We were cooking dinner at the camp site at Mendenhall when a medium-sized black ambled into our camp, about 10 feet away, looking as if he might crawl into our tent for a little nap. He was fat and had a beautiful glossy coat. I gasped but completely forgot how you're supposed to behave. Jared yelled and waved his hands around. The bear rolled his eyes at us ("ah, campers. I wish they'd stay out of my forest," he seemed to be saying) and ambled away. Nearby a group of kids were camping, and I heard one little boy making up a song about the bear ("there was a bear. there was a bear. there was a bear right over there..."). I think he ambled thru their camp site too.
6) the Seafood
Not in AK, but the crab pot-pulling and eating in Hood Canal was awesome. Jared's mom made some crab cakes which were especially memorable. The halibut and chips in Juneau rocked too.
7) the Company
Of course
I'll post some stories another time.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Me trying to look like my mother
I visited my friend Carolyn Helmke today in Palo Alto. She set me up with some great work clothes, some hand-me-down magazines, and a free burrito. After some conversation, she decided it was important to take a picture of me that resembled this one I posted of my mother. Here's our best effort:
Your friends will save your brain... and your life.
A recent study by the Rush University Medical Center in Chicago found that women with a number of close friends and frequent social interactions are less likely to suffer from heart disease, Alzheimer's and dementia.
Friday, September 15, 2006
I sold my TV!
Craigslist is amazing! Should I admit that I got nearly what I paid for it?
In other news, studies show that tall people earn more money than short people by 2% per inch. Also, input increases output. The source of productivity is a refreshed mind.
Source for both: my NPR Podcasts
In other news, studies show that tall people earn more money than short people by 2% per inch. Also, input increases output. The source of productivity is a refreshed mind.
Source for both: my NPR Podcasts
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Moving towards a totally self-programmed world
I don't remember if I've mentioned that I have become completely obsessed with podcasts recently. I basically don't even listen to the radio or look at google news anymore, because I now get my news from the sources and on the topics that I've pre-selected. I'm also actively pursuing selling my TV, and may join a DVD rental club to be entertained entirely by pre-selected programs on my computer.
However, I'm a little scared. I was not permitted to watch television as a child, which made me even more of a misfit than my personality and genetics had already set me up to be. I had no idea what the other kids were talking about and rarely got the mass-media-referential jokes. I would laugh anyway, but they saw right thru me. You know how kids are. So, I'm wondering now if, by self-programming all my media inputs, am I isolating myself yet again? Or is this something everyone is doing? And if it is, are we isolating ourselves from each other?
I don't remember if it was the last national election or the one before that when a lot emails went around about how we, humor me as I call us the Educated Class, have no idea what's going on in the minds of the rest of our country. Because if they were privy to even the smallest amt of knowledge and information we were, how on earth would we, collectively, have elected That Man as our President? We all vowed to talk to our distant friends and relatives who might be Republicans or even just live not on a coast, to share information, to promote Democracy. I've tried to do that. At the same time, now, I'm setting up my own little self-programmed universe where everyone I talk to less than once a week is getting their information from absolutely, completely different sources.
This hints at the concept of brainwashing, and the effect media has on culture, but I'm in no mood to go there right now. I know you want to hear about Alaska, and I'll tell you all about it... later.
However, I'm a little scared. I was not permitted to watch television as a child, which made me even more of a misfit than my personality and genetics had already set me up to be. I had no idea what the other kids were talking about and rarely got the mass-media-referential jokes. I would laugh anyway, but they saw right thru me. You know how kids are. So, I'm wondering now if, by self-programming all my media inputs, am I isolating myself yet again? Or is this something everyone is doing? And if it is, are we isolating ourselves from each other?
I don't remember if it was the last national election or the one before that when a lot emails went around about how we, humor me as I call us the Educated Class, have no idea what's going on in the minds of the rest of our country. Because if they were privy to even the smallest amt of knowledge and information we were, how on earth would we, collectively, have elected That Man as our President? We all vowed to talk to our distant friends and relatives who might be Republicans or even just live not on a coast, to share information, to promote Democracy. I've tried to do that. At the same time, now, I'm setting up my own little self-programmed universe where everyone I talk to less than once a week is getting their information from absolutely, completely different sources.
This hints at the concept of brainwashing, and the effect media has on culture, but I'm in no mood to go there right now. I know you want to hear about Alaska, and I'll tell you all about it... later.
Teenagers
My friend Carolyn Helmke said a very interesting thing on the phone today that I wanted to share with you. She suggested that, biologically, the reason teenagers are so unpleasant to their parents is to make it easier, perhaps even possible, for the parents to let them leave the nest. Sure, everyone always talks about teenagers' need to individuate, but I never thought about it as something that the parents need to let them.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Alaska vacation
Jared and I are going to Alaska for 3 weeks on Thursday. I know I haven't posted very regularly lately, but I didn't want you to worry if I don't post for a few weeks. I will be available by mobile phone.
We fly to Seattle on Thursday morning. There, we'll spend a few days with Jared's family on Hood Canal where they keep a little vacation house. Tuesday evening, we board a ferry from Bellingham to Wrangell, AK where we arrive 2 days later. We fly out of Sitka 2.5 weeks later. What happens in between is anyone's guess, but I bet it will involve a tent. I've heard it's beautiful up there, and I'm looking forward to telling you all about it.
We fly to Seattle on Thursday morning. There, we'll spend a few days with Jared's family on Hood Canal where they keep a little vacation house. Tuesday evening, we board a ferry from Bellingham to Wrangell, AK where we arrive 2 days later. We fly out of Sitka 2.5 weeks later. What happens in between is anyone's guess, but I bet it will involve a tent. I've heard it's beautiful up there, and I'm looking forward to telling you all about it.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
On making love stay....
Finally, my response to the Bronson/Merryman article on predicting marital longevity.
My first thought out of the gate here is: what makes us think that relationships are supposed to last? Why, as a society, do we hope for love to stay? Maybe love is something that happens now and then and passes, sort of like food poisoning? One of the things my friends and I like to remind ourselves of is to stop beating ourselves up for things we just aren’t.
Biologically, the t-shirt study (Wedekind, 1995) indicated that women are programmed to go out into the world and get ourselves knocked up by men who we are genetically different from, and, then, have men who are genetically similar to us care for us thru delivery until, presumably, we’re ready to get knocked up again. (I extrapolate wildly.) So, this provides scientific evidence towards cynicism? I believe the lifelong partner concept may be some kind of perverse sociological infliction, like sleeping at night or the right to parking, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want one.
There was one night in Paris, Christian and I were on our 3rd bottle of wine, and I talked how surprised I am every time a relationship ends. He said (I paraphrase) “You always think they’re going to last forever at the beginning. You have to, or you wouldn’t be able fall in love.” It’s that suspension of disbelief that they talk about in the theater; you forget that your feet are on the ground in a world where the only things you can count on are death and taxes. On the other hand, I also believe that there are times when you just know the future of a relationship, either way.
More recently, Jared was telling me about this book he read on primates. He claimed it explains in detail why primates couple, and why, from a biological stand point, that works best. He didn’t remember all the details of the argument, but he did say that the book argued, from a biological standpoint, that coupling is more advantageous for women (and female primates), and that’s the reason male infidelity is more common. I found this last statement somewhat shocking. Sure, it’s the stereotype that male infidelity is more common, but I think that’s mythology. In the mainstream, women are just better at keeping secrets than men, and men are more likely to brag about their conquests. In my social universe, male infidelity definitely isn’t more common.
Life is long and complicated, and nearly everything is transient. Some humans have a greater need for the feeling of permanence than others. Some, even, thrive in an environment of impermanence and stability makes them nervous. So, yeah, nothing lasts forever and we are born to die, but the real question we need to address is “how are we going to live?” I want to live like all my dreams will come true. I want to believe in unicorns and fairy god mothers. The power of positive thinking can’t be underestimated.
It’s like Alison said “getting married is the most optimistic act I have ever committed.” She also said: “It’s practical, you get rights and recognition instantly, and telling people you are committed does strengthen your commitment. It is also an optimistic act (like having a child), and we all need more optimistic acts. When else can you get people to celebrate you, what you are doing in your life?”
But there is sometimes some confusion. Some people seem to think that getting married is a rite of passage. You graduate; you get married; you have a family, each at a certain stage in your life. It’s what you do. This offends my idealistic vision of Love. Kevin used to point out that the bible recommends staying single; that marriage is something you do only in the rare case that you fall in love. That makes sense to me. I’m sure you’ve heard my tirade against the music industry for brain washing us into believing that the only time we’ll feel anything strongly is thru falling in love. It’s this type of message that creates a society of complacents. The world contains so many other things we should feel passionately about, and we certainly can’t expect that to come from another person very often.
Yet, some of us are love-prone. I’m not going to try to find the citation, but I remember my mother reading years ago that if you have fallen in love more than 6 times in your lifetime, you are “love prone” and you present a small percentage of the population. My mother, of course, is love-prone. I’m, of course, wondering how we’re defining “in love”.
So, when the Bronson/Merryman article discusses these couples who move in together because it’s convenient and then get married to “solve” a problem in their relationship (I’ve heard this so many times!), I feel …insulted. The housework indicator they mention is a little like the “yes, dear” indicator of about 10 years ago (Gottman of UW found this was the single indicator of a lasting marriage). Of course, reading thru this, I can’t help but wonder how to predict a *happy* LTR (not the same as a lasting one. Of course, that involves defining a lot of terms, which scares me off right now). Like with happiness, a relatively little amt of money helps a whole lot say Bronson and Merryman. Is it, again, 15K? No, the article says “If this couple will earn a modest $50,000 as a family, their odds of seeing their 15th anniversary jump to 68%.”
There are a lot of ways to commit to another person. Sam’s parents bought a house together and had him. Nearly 30 years later, they decided to have a wedding (last year). The same story with my friends in London, Linda and David, although I think the house might have been hers at first. (Linda and David said they wanted to wait to have a wedding until their son could enjoy it.) I like Bronson and Merryman’s observation that “Homeowners aren't happier in marriage than renters, but there's a permanence to their life — a connection to a community.” Maybe Alison would say that homeownership is an act of optimism.
We can’t control our relationships with our parents; I mean, not really. But I do like Bronson/Merryman’s statistic about children of divorced parents who didn’t fight openly not trusting their relationships. Jared is always trying to get me to talk about stuff; on the other hand, he completely disagreed with me when I called myself conflict-avoidant the other day. While I saw my mother fight with her exes, I can tell you with absolute certainty that she doesn’t know how to resolve conflict constructively (sorry, mom). I’m really trying to learn.
I’m convinced there’s something in the water. The vast majority of my friends are getting married and pregnant, buying houses, relocating together. It’s partially bc many of my friends I met in grad school and we finished 5ish years ago. Their careers are settled. It’s time for the next step. No surprise there. But true love doesn’t follow a convenient time pattern, or at least that makes me question its presence. Maybe falling in love *is* a rite of passage. Maybe when your heart is open and you know who you are, you’re able to be amazed by another person, and it’s completely natural to want to celebrate that. In a world where people are killing each other for reasons that don’t make any sense and our lifestyle is destroying the planet, we need something to believe in, and maybe that can be each other.
My first thought out of the gate here is: what makes us think that relationships are supposed to last? Why, as a society, do we hope for love to stay? Maybe love is something that happens now and then and passes, sort of like food poisoning? One of the things my friends and I like to remind ourselves of is to stop beating ourselves up for things we just aren’t.
Biologically, the t-shirt study (Wedekind, 1995) indicated that women are programmed to go out into the world and get ourselves knocked up by men who we are genetically different from, and, then, have men who are genetically similar to us care for us thru delivery until, presumably, we’re ready to get knocked up again. (I extrapolate wildly.) So, this provides scientific evidence towards cynicism? I believe the lifelong partner concept may be some kind of perverse sociological infliction, like sleeping at night or the right to parking, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want one.
There was one night in Paris, Christian and I were on our 3rd bottle of wine, and I talked how surprised I am every time a relationship ends. He said (I paraphrase) “You always think they’re going to last forever at the beginning. You have to, or you wouldn’t be able fall in love.” It’s that suspension of disbelief that they talk about in the theater; you forget that your feet are on the ground in a world where the only things you can count on are death and taxes. On the other hand, I also believe that there are times when you just know the future of a relationship, either way.
More recently, Jared was telling me about this book he read on primates. He claimed it explains in detail why primates couple, and why, from a biological stand point, that works best. He didn’t remember all the details of the argument, but he did say that the book argued, from a biological standpoint, that coupling is more advantageous for women (and female primates), and that’s the reason male infidelity is more common. I found this last statement somewhat shocking. Sure, it’s the stereotype that male infidelity is more common, but I think that’s mythology. In the mainstream, women are just better at keeping secrets than men, and men are more likely to brag about their conquests. In my social universe, male infidelity definitely isn’t more common.
Life is long and complicated, and nearly everything is transient. Some humans have a greater need for the feeling of permanence than others. Some, even, thrive in an environment of impermanence and stability makes them nervous. So, yeah, nothing lasts forever and we are born to die, but the real question we need to address is “how are we going to live?” I want to live like all my dreams will come true. I want to believe in unicorns and fairy god mothers. The power of positive thinking can’t be underestimated.
It’s like Alison said “getting married is the most optimistic act I have ever committed.” She also said: “It’s practical, you get rights and recognition instantly, and telling people you are committed does strengthen your commitment. It is also an optimistic act (like having a child), and we all need more optimistic acts. When else can you get people to celebrate you, what you are doing in your life?”
But there is sometimes some confusion. Some people seem to think that getting married is a rite of passage. You graduate; you get married; you have a family, each at a certain stage in your life. It’s what you do. This offends my idealistic vision of Love. Kevin used to point out that the bible recommends staying single; that marriage is something you do only in the rare case that you fall in love. That makes sense to me. I’m sure you’ve heard my tirade against the music industry for brain washing us into believing that the only time we’ll feel anything strongly is thru falling in love. It’s this type of message that creates a society of complacents. The world contains so many other things we should feel passionately about, and we certainly can’t expect that to come from another person very often.
Yet, some of us are love-prone. I’m not going to try to find the citation, but I remember my mother reading years ago that if you have fallen in love more than 6 times in your lifetime, you are “love prone” and you present a small percentage of the population. My mother, of course, is love-prone. I’m, of course, wondering how we’re defining “in love”.
So, when the Bronson/Merryman article discusses these couples who move in together because it’s convenient and then get married to “solve” a problem in their relationship (I’ve heard this so many times!), I feel …insulted. The housework indicator they mention is a little like the “yes, dear” indicator of about 10 years ago (Gottman of UW found this was the single indicator of a lasting marriage). Of course, reading thru this, I can’t help but wonder how to predict a *happy* LTR (not the same as a lasting one. Of course, that involves defining a lot of terms, which scares me off right now). Like with happiness, a relatively little amt of money helps a whole lot say Bronson and Merryman. Is it, again, 15K? No, the article says “If this couple will earn a modest $50,000 as a family, their odds of seeing their 15th anniversary jump to 68%.”
There are a lot of ways to commit to another person. Sam’s parents bought a house together and had him. Nearly 30 years later, they decided to have a wedding (last year). The same story with my friends in London, Linda and David, although I think the house might have been hers at first. (Linda and David said they wanted to wait to have a wedding until their son could enjoy it.) I like Bronson and Merryman’s observation that “Homeowners aren't happier in marriage than renters, but there's a permanence to their life — a connection to a community.” Maybe Alison would say that homeownership is an act of optimism.
We can’t control our relationships with our parents; I mean, not really. But I do like Bronson/Merryman’s statistic about children of divorced parents who didn’t fight openly not trusting their relationships. Jared is always trying to get me to talk about stuff; on the other hand, he completely disagreed with me when I called myself conflict-avoidant the other day. While I saw my mother fight with her exes, I can tell you with absolute certainty that she doesn’t know how to resolve conflict constructively (sorry, mom). I’m really trying to learn.
I’m convinced there’s something in the water. The vast majority of my friends are getting married and pregnant, buying houses, relocating together. It’s partially bc many of my friends I met in grad school and we finished 5ish years ago. Their careers are settled. It’s time for the next step. No surprise there. But true love doesn’t follow a convenient time pattern, or at least that makes me question its presence. Maybe falling in love *is* a rite of passage. Maybe when your heart is open and you know who you are, you’re able to be amazed by another person, and it’s completely natural to want to celebrate that. In a world where people are killing each other for reasons that don’t make any sense and our lifestyle is destroying the planet, we need something to believe in, and maybe that can be each other.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
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