A Poem I Wrote Last Winter

I tried to go to bed tonight at 6:30 tonight
Because I felt so lonely
I wanted to split my ribs open with a fork
And parse out all the desires of my heart
For what I used to call unconditional love
But now I don’t know what it is
I used to call it support, companionship,
The wish to make another person happy
...to open my heart to them,
Not with a fork – but with something much softer
Like a spoon. To dish my disappointments out to them
Like pudding and to hold them in my hands
Just carefully – not dropping any
Knowing that disappointments are as precious
As the love we rejoiced after a light meal and a glass of wine.
They say that the heart is a sturdy organ
and considering the fragility of the human emotional system,
It’s representative organ should instead be the liver
Because the liver breaks apart with the lightest touch
Because the liver can really be damaged by living.
I don’t know about that – all I know
Is that I can feel my chest opening up – that I feel
The connective tissue of my ribs tearing;
and I think the liver is at the back of the body.
-Lilia Pilia, 2007