Remembering Yourself

When I can't do yoga on Sunday, I usually do it on Friday. I always have lots of "deep thoughts" at yoga class -- either self realizations or things the teacher said. Yesterday, she said that we are not looking to improve ourselves through practice, we are looking to remember ourselves. I have spent so much of my life trying to "be better" but I'm just learning that I can't be any better. I just want to be myself perfectly.

As I was having these thoughts after yoga, I had another thought. I did a lot of walking on Thursday. Wednesday, I biked home from work (about 40 miles). My body was more sore from all that walking than from the bike ride. My back hurt. I felt twisted. When I bike, I get a pinch in my neck, but my body feels completely in line. That's not the case when I propel myself independently.

As I type this, I can see a metaphor emerging. I need people, mechanisms, structure to function healthily. My desire for freedom makes me wish I could work for myself, but my need for structure and others makes that unrealistic. I don't think it's about being extroverted (because I'm not). It's like Dar Williams said:
"Sometimes I see myself fine, sometimes I need a witness
"And I like the whole truth
"But there are nights I only need forgiveness"
These aren't things you can give yourself: reflection, witness, truth, forgiveness. You need to get them from others.

So, I was having these thoughts, and I realized that I'd completely forgotten the first thought about remembering yourself. I searched my brain for what it had been. After a moment, it came to me, but immediately I lost the second thought, about walking and the bicycle. I began to wonder if my brain can only hold on to one idea at a time... as if it has only one hand or no opposable thumbs. I'm a pretty good multi-tasker, but I need to write everything down, set alarms for myself on my electronic calendar, keep lists. I was tired and disoriented after yoga class yesterday which is pretty common -- sometimes I walk into walls.