Nonviolent Communication, the book

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values by Marshall B. Rosenberg and Arun Gandhi

I found the book on NVC profoundly moving. I think this chatty self-help book even brought me to tears a few times. Below are a collection of my favorite quotes from the book and a few short personal reactions.

“Unless, as grandfather would say, “we become the change we wish to see in the world,“ no change will ever take place. We are all, unfortunately, waiting for the other person to change first.” (page xvi)…
“Nonviolence means allowing the positive within you to emerge. Be dominated by love, respect, understanding, appreciation, compassion, and concern for others rather than the self-centered and selfish, greedy, hateful, prejudiced, suspicious, and aggressive attitudes that usually dominate our thinking. We often hear people say: “this world is ruthless and if you want to survive you must become ruthless, too.” I humbly disagree with this contention.” (page xvii)

“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” –Epictetus

“In such situation, the listener, unable to discern a clear request in the speaker’s words, may experience the kind of distress illustrated in the following anecdote.
“I was seated directly across the aisle from a couple on a mini-train that carries passengers to their respective terminals at the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport. For passengers in a hurry to catch a plane, the snail’s pace of the train may well be irritating. The man turned to his wife and said with intensity, “I have never seen a train go so slowly in all my life!” She said nothing, appearing tense and uneasy as to what response he might be expecting from her. He then did what many of us do when we’re not getting the response we want: he repeated himself. In a markedly stronger voice…. Now there were two people in pain!” (pg. 73)

I put this quote here bc I was moved by the statement about repeating oneself. It may not be the most effective way to get the response we want, but it is sometimes the only resource at our disposal.

The next quote I have marked doesn’t seem to work on its own. The idea is about distinguishing between a request and a demand both in how you ask to have your needs met and how you hear other people ask to have their needs met. The difference is that a request includes compassion for meeting the other person’s needs as well – it is a suggestion on how to meet both people’s needs. A demand has consequences if it isn’t met, usually a guilt trip, judgment or criticism. However, even when we consciously express a request, people might still hear a demand and not wish to meet our needs. “This is particularly true when we occupy positions of authority and are speaking with those who have had past experiences with coercive authority figures….
“By giving labels, we tend to act towards (the people we’ve labeled) in a way that contributes to the very behavior that concerns us, which we then view as further confirmation of our diagnosis.” (pg 82)
“The goal of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.” (pg 85)
“We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves.” (pg 100)
“Rather than agreeing or disagreeing about what people are for murdering, raping, or polluting the environment, I believe we serve life better by focusing attention on what we are needing….
“Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it towards punishing people rather than meeting our needs….
“…it is not what the other person does, but the images and interpretations in my own head that provide my anger.” (pg 144-145)
“’MBR: …I don’t say it’s wrong to judge people, to call them faceless beaurocrats or to label their actions as selfish. However, it’s that kind of thinking on your part that makes you feel angry. Focus your attention on your needs: what are your needs in this situation?” (pg 146)
“…by the very act of judging another person as a liar, I would contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy….
“…We may be successful in using such judgements to intimidate people into meeting our needs. If they feel so frightened, guilty, or ashamed that they change their behavior, we may come to believe that it is possible to “win” by telling people what’s wrong with them.
“With a broader perspective, however, we realize that each time our needs are met this way, we not only lose, but we have contributed very tangibly to violence on the planet.” (pg 148)
“The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breath, (2) identify our judgemental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs. Sometimes between steps 3 and 4 we may choose to empathize with the other person so that he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in Step 4.” (pg 154)
“…Punitive action, rather than evoking repentance and learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking.” (pg 162)
“When parents opt to use force, we may win the battle of getting our children to do what we want, but in the process, are we not perpetuating a social norm that justifies violence as a means of resolving differences?” (pg 163)
“When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself.” (pg 164)
“As mentioned earlier, we have inherited a language that served kings and powerful elites in domination societies. The masses, discouraged from developing awareness of their own needs, have instead been educated to be docile and subservient to authority.
“This means that when we have a judgemental dialogue going on within, we become alienated from what we are needing and cannot then act to meet those needs. Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.” (pg 171-172)
“In this dialogue Buber posits that human growth occurs through a meeting between two individuals who express themselves vulnerably and authentically in what he termed an “I-Thou” relationship.” (pg 175-176)
“There is a cartoon where one Native Americna remarks to another, “watch me use modern psychology on my horse!” He then leads his friend new to where the horse can overhear their conversation and exclaims, “I have the fastest, the most courageous horse in all the West!” The horse looks sad and says to itself, “How do you like that? He’s gone and bought himself another horse.” (pg 186)

That’s how I feel most of the time. Is it the result of a lack of authenticity in my communications?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
“It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world” (Marianne Williamson, pg 189)
“Still hesitant, I told myself that words couldn’t do justice to the depths of what I wished to communicate. I quickly saw thru that one, though: yes, words may be poor vehicles in conveying our heartfelt realities, but as I have learned, “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly!”
“Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments, however positive, and are sometimes offered to manipulate the behavior of others.” (pg 192)
“My grandmother loved to dance, and my mother remembers her saying often, “Never walk when you can dance.” (pg 194)