I find myself incredibly entertaining. When I think about asking a huge room with every eligible man I know in it, I find it hilarious to think about the resounding silence of a reply I would get. Maybe I would hear about how pretty I am, how smart, how conscientious, how sweet, what a good friend I am. Yeah, well, that’s just great guys. Show me the money.
I know what you’re going to say now: “but, Lilia, what about all those guys who want to date you and you’re not interested in?” No joke, I don’t believe they want to be my boyfriend either. They’re just interested because I’m so pretty and smart and conscientious and sweet and a good friend (or whatever fraction of those characteristics they know about me). They wouldn’t want to be my boyfriend either. But that’s a moot point.
Let’s get real for a minute. I wanted to be with Jared, and that made me profoundly miserable. I wanted to be with Grayson, and I was unhappy there too. Am I kidding myself to think that partnership is an option for me? Maybe I’m doing everyone a favor by staying single. Why put people I love thru that?
I’m a really nice person. I spend my days trying to make everyone around me happy. It’s not the only thing I do, but it’s a big part of it. It’s a driving force. I don’t know about other people’s capacity to love, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m like fire, good to be near, but not good to be too close to and get burned.
I feel like some crazy puppy chasing its tail thru these crazy cycles time after time. We were talking about changing last night. My mother says that humans have an enormous capacity for change. It’s also common knowledge that you can’t expect people to change. At the end of each day, I spend my moments with myself going over every mistake I made or may have made. The next day, I make more mistakes. I’m tired of those thoughts, and I’m tired of wanting to be different than I am. Maybe the change I need to make in myself is to stop trying to make any change at all.
Jared seemed to want me to change but it was never really clear to me what that change was and when all these necessary changes would stop. Whether it was water on the sink, the way I closed doors, the way I noticed when he flirted with other women, that I want children… I could give up every single one of those qualities, and it would just be something else.
Every seven years, they say, all your cells have changed and you’re basically a completely different collections of elements. I could change every thing about myself when asked to, and not only would it never end, but I would still just be me, and we would still be unhappy together. What would happen if I stopped trying so hard? What would happen if I directed my efforts instead towards composing a beautiful life, towards creating, towards making art?
They say weaknesses are just over-developed strengths. I’ve also learned that a weakness in one setting can be a strength in another. Like that I am “too approachable” – it’s bad if I’m trying to sell myself as an authority figure, but what if I instead sell myself as an advocate for individuals? I help people find the best way to get to work. If they don’t feel like they can approach me with these mundane issues, I’m not going to be able to do my job.
So, you don’t want to be my boyfriend, isn’t it great that we know that? It makes me available when that guy who does want to be my boyfriend comes along. And if that never happens, it just leaves me a lot of time to do other things I enjoy.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Ponies
In the last 5 or so years, I believed I was completely in love, had found The One, at least twice. When I told one of these men about The next One (I think this had been The second One I’d told him about), he expressed surprise. I don’t remember what his words were, but the meaning was that some people only fall in love once in their lifetime and never get over it if they lose that love. How is it that I can fall in love 3 times with 3 different men over the same number of years?
He was right to wonder. I wonder. I’ve been walking around telling everyone I’m damaged. I’m broken. I don’t want to ride that pony any more. Meanwhile my own natural state of being snuck up on me again, and I appear to be beginning another relationship. (As I type this, I wonder if I’m jinxing it by saying anything.)
Earlier in this process, I expressed concern about this guy to my friends. “He does yoga,” I sneered. “He goes to Burning Man.” I don’t know why they didn’t understand why this would be a potential problem. (“You do yoga and go to Burning Man,” they replied looking very confused.) How is it that no one knows what I mean?
Along those lines, I have some dating stories that I’m just dying to tell you, but alas,
1) I would burn in hell if I did, and
2) I’d have to kill you.
I guess those go in the opposite order. But every time I think about this (a lot), I think about it in that order.
So, here I am broken and damaged and yet still completely acting like myself. “Where ever you go, there you are” should be “whatever damaging thing happens to you, there you are,” because here I am looking this pony in the face, and it’s a pretty cute pony. It has blue eyes and floppy hair, and it wears glasses. I like its voice. It clips articles from the New Yorker for me.
I wanted to talk about natural sweetness (in humans, not in cookies), and maybe even about kissing, but I think I’m done for the night.
He was right to wonder. I wonder. I’ve been walking around telling everyone I’m damaged. I’m broken. I don’t want to ride that pony any more. Meanwhile my own natural state of being snuck up on me again, and I appear to be beginning another relationship. (As I type this, I wonder if I’m jinxing it by saying anything.)
Earlier in this process, I expressed concern about this guy to my friends. “He does yoga,” I sneered. “He goes to Burning Man.” I don’t know why they didn’t understand why this would be a potential problem. (“You do yoga and go to Burning Man,” they replied looking very confused.) How is it that no one knows what I mean?
Along those lines, I have some dating stories that I’m just dying to tell you, but alas,
1) I would burn in hell if I did, and
2) I’d have to kill you.
I guess those go in the opposite order. But every time I think about this (a lot), I think about it in that order.
So, here I am broken and damaged and yet still completely acting like myself. “Where ever you go, there you are” should be “whatever damaging thing happens to you, there you are,” because here I am looking this pony in the face, and it’s a pretty cute pony. It has blue eyes and floppy hair, and it wears glasses. I like its voice. It clips articles from the New Yorker for me.
I wanted to talk about natural sweetness (in humans, not in cookies), and maybe even about kissing, but I think I’m done for the night.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Fiction from the New Yorker
See the Other Side
by Tatyana Tolstaya March 12, 2007
A hot day in May in Ravenna, the small Italian city where Dante is buried. Once upon a time—right at the start of the fifth century A.D.—the Emperor Honorius transferred the capital of the Western Roman Empire to this city. There was a port here then, but the sea has since receded, and in its place are swamps, roses, dust, and vineyards....
by Tatyana Tolstaya March 12, 2007
A hot day in May in Ravenna, the small Italian city where Dante is buried. Once upon a time—right at the start of the fifth century A.D.—the Emperor Honorius transferred the capital of the Western Roman Empire to this city. There was a port here then, but the sea has since receded, and in its place are swamps, roses, dust, and vineyards....
Sunday, April 22, 2007
(Washington Post) Pearls Before Breakfast
Pearls Before Breakfast
Can one of the nation's great musicians cut through the fog of a D.C. rush hour? Let's find out.
By Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, April 8, 2007
HE EMERGED FROM THE METRO AT THE L'ENFANT PLAZA STATION AND POSITIONED HIMSELF AGAINST A WALL BESIDE A TRASH BASKET. By most measures, he was nondescript: a youngish white man in jeans, a long-sleeved T-shirt and a Washington Nationals baseball cap. From a small case, he removed a violin. Placing the open case at his feet, he shrewdly threw in a few dollars and pocket change as seed money, swiveled it to face pedestrian traffic, and began to play.
Can one of the nation's great musicians cut through the fog of a D.C. rush hour? Let's find out.
By Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, April 8, 2007
HE EMERGED FROM THE METRO AT THE L'ENFANT PLAZA STATION AND POSITIONED HIMSELF AGAINST A WALL BESIDE A TRASH BASKET. By most measures, he was nondescript: a youngish white man in jeans, a long-sleeved T-shirt and a Washington Nationals baseball cap. From a small case, he removed a violin. Placing the open case at his feet, he shrewdly threw in a few dollars and pocket change as seed money, swiveled it to face pedestrian traffic, and began to play.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Nonviolent Communication, the book
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values by Marshall B. Rosenberg and Arun Gandhi
I found the book on NVC profoundly moving. I think this chatty self-help book even brought me to tears a few times. Below are a collection of my favorite quotes from the book and a few short personal reactions.
“Unless, as grandfather would say, “we become the change we wish to see in the world,“ no change will ever take place. We are all, unfortunately, waiting for the other person to change first.” (page xvi)…
“Nonviolence means allowing the positive within you to emerge. Be dominated by love, respect, understanding, appreciation, compassion, and concern for others rather than the self-centered and selfish, greedy, hateful, prejudiced, suspicious, and aggressive attitudes that usually dominate our thinking. We often hear people say: “this world is ruthless and if you want to survive you must become ruthless, too.” I humbly disagree with this contention.” (page xvii)
“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” –Epictetus
“In such situation, the listener, unable to discern a clear request in the speaker’s words, may experience the kind of distress illustrated in the following anecdote.
“I was seated directly across the aisle from a couple on a mini-train that carries passengers to their respective terminals at the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport. For passengers in a hurry to catch a plane, the snail’s pace of the train may well be irritating. The man turned to his wife and said with intensity, “I have never seen a train go so slowly in all my life!” She said nothing, appearing tense and uneasy as to what response he might be expecting from her. He then did what many of us do when we’re not getting the response we want: he repeated himself. In a markedly stronger voice…. Now there were two people in pain!” (pg. 73)
I put this quote here bc I was moved by the statement about repeating oneself. It may not be the most effective way to get the response we want, but it is sometimes the only resource at our disposal.
The next quote I have marked doesn’t seem to work on its own. The idea is about distinguishing between a request and a demand both in how you ask to have your needs met and how you hear other people ask to have their needs met. The difference is that a request includes compassion for meeting the other person’s needs as well – it is a suggestion on how to meet both people’s needs. A demand has consequences if it isn’t met, usually a guilt trip, judgment or criticism. However, even when we consciously express a request, people might still hear a demand and not wish to meet our needs. “This is particularly true when we occupy positions of authority and are speaking with those who have had past experiences with coercive authority figures….
“By giving labels, we tend to act towards (the people we’ve labeled) in a way that contributes to the very behavior that concerns us, which we then view as further confirmation of our diagnosis.” (pg 82)
“The goal of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.” (pg 85)
“We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves.” (pg 100)
“Rather than agreeing or disagreeing about what people are for murdering, raping, or polluting the environment, I believe we serve life better by focusing attention on what we are needing….
“Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it towards punishing people rather than meeting our needs….
“…it is not what the other person does, but the images and interpretations in my own head that provide my anger.” (pg 144-145)
“’MBR: …I don’t say it’s wrong to judge people, to call them faceless beaurocrats or to label their actions as selfish. However, it’s that kind of thinking on your part that makes you feel angry. Focus your attention on your needs: what are your needs in this situation?” (pg 146)
“…by the very act of judging another person as a liar, I would contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy….
“…We may be successful in using such judgements to intimidate people into meeting our needs. If they feel so frightened, guilty, or ashamed that they change their behavior, we may come to believe that it is possible to “win” by telling people what’s wrong with them.
“With a broader perspective, however, we realize that each time our needs are met this way, we not only lose, but we have contributed very tangibly to violence on the planet.” (pg 148)
“The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breath, (2) identify our judgemental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs. Sometimes between steps 3 and 4 we may choose to empathize with the other person so that he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in Step 4.” (pg 154)
“…Punitive action, rather than evoking repentance and learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking.” (pg 162)
“When parents opt to use force, we may win the battle of getting our children to do what we want, but in the process, are we not perpetuating a social norm that justifies violence as a means of resolving differences?” (pg 163)
“When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself.” (pg 164)
“As mentioned earlier, we have inherited a language that served kings and powerful elites in domination societies. The masses, discouraged from developing awareness of their own needs, have instead been educated to be docile and subservient to authority.
“This means that when we have a judgemental dialogue going on within, we become alienated from what we are needing and cannot then act to meet those needs. Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.” (pg 171-172)
“In this dialogue Buber posits that human growth occurs through a meeting between two individuals who express themselves vulnerably and authentically in what he termed an “I-Thou” relationship.” (pg 175-176)
“There is a cartoon where one Native Americna remarks to another, “watch me use modern psychology on my horse!” He then leads his friend new to where the horse can overhear their conversation and exclaims, “I have the fastest, the most courageous horse in all the West!” The horse looks sad and says to itself, “How do you like that? He’s gone and bought himself another horse.” (pg 186)
That’s how I feel most of the time. Is it the result of a lack of authenticity in my communications?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
“It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world” (Marianne Williamson, pg 189)
“Still hesitant, I told myself that words couldn’t do justice to the depths of what I wished to communicate. I quickly saw thru that one, though: yes, words may be poor vehicles in conveying our heartfelt realities, but as I have learned, “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly!”
“Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments, however positive, and are sometimes offered to manipulate the behavior of others.” (pg 192)
“My grandmother loved to dance, and my mother remembers her saying often, “Never walk when you can dance.” (pg 194)
I found the book on NVC profoundly moving. I think this chatty self-help book even brought me to tears a few times. Below are a collection of my favorite quotes from the book and a few short personal reactions.
“Unless, as grandfather would say, “we become the change we wish to see in the world,“ no change will ever take place. We are all, unfortunately, waiting for the other person to change first.” (page xvi)…
“Nonviolence means allowing the positive within you to emerge. Be dominated by love, respect, understanding, appreciation, compassion, and concern for others rather than the self-centered and selfish, greedy, hateful, prejudiced, suspicious, and aggressive attitudes that usually dominate our thinking. We often hear people say: “this world is ruthless and if you want to survive you must become ruthless, too.” I humbly disagree with this contention.” (page xvii)
“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” –Epictetus
“In such situation, the listener, unable to discern a clear request in the speaker’s words, may experience the kind of distress illustrated in the following anecdote.
“I was seated directly across the aisle from a couple on a mini-train that carries passengers to their respective terminals at the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport. For passengers in a hurry to catch a plane, the snail’s pace of the train may well be irritating. The man turned to his wife and said with intensity, “I have never seen a train go so slowly in all my life!” She said nothing, appearing tense and uneasy as to what response he might be expecting from her. He then did what many of us do when we’re not getting the response we want: he repeated himself. In a markedly stronger voice…. Now there were two people in pain!” (pg. 73)
I put this quote here bc I was moved by the statement about repeating oneself. It may not be the most effective way to get the response we want, but it is sometimes the only resource at our disposal.
The next quote I have marked doesn’t seem to work on its own. The idea is about distinguishing between a request and a demand both in how you ask to have your needs met and how you hear other people ask to have their needs met. The difference is that a request includes compassion for meeting the other person’s needs as well – it is a suggestion on how to meet both people’s needs. A demand has consequences if it isn’t met, usually a guilt trip, judgment or criticism. However, even when we consciously express a request, people might still hear a demand and not wish to meet our needs. “This is particularly true when we occupy positions of authority and are speaking with those who have had past experiences with coercive authority figures….
“By giving labels, we tend to act towards (the people we’ve labeled) in a way that contributes to the very behavior that concerns us, which we then view as further confirmation of our diagnosis.” (pg 82)
“The goal of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.” (pg 85)
“We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves.” (pg 100)
“Rather than agreeing or disagreeing about what people are for murdering, raping, or polluting the environment, I believe we serve life better by focusing attention on what we are needing….
“Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it towards punishing people rather than meeting our needs….
“…it is not what the other person does, but the images and interpretations in my own head that provide my anger.” (pg 144-145)
“’MBR: …I don’t say it’s wrong to judge people, to call them faceless beaurocrats or to label their actions as selfish. However, it’s that kind of thinking on your part that makes you feel angry. Focus your attention on your needs: what are your needs in this situation?” (pg 146)
“…by the very act of judging another person as a liar, I would contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy….
“…We may be successful in using such judgements to intimidate people into meeting our needs. If they feel so frightened, guilty, or ashamed that they change their behavior, we may come to believe that it is possible to “win” by telling people what’s wrong with them.
“With a broader perspective, however, we realize that each time our needs are met this way, we not only lose, but we have contributed very tangibly to violence on the planet.” (pg 148)
“The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breath, (2) identify our judgemental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs. Sometimes between steps 3 and 4 we may choose to empathize with the other person so that he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in Step 4.” (pg 154)
“…Punitive action, rather than evoking repentance and learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking.” (pg 162)
“When parents opt to use force, we may win the battle of getting our children to do what we want, but in the process, are we not perpetuating a social norm that justifies violence as a means of resolving differences?” (pg 163)
“When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself.” (pg 164)
“As mentioned earlier, we have inherited a language that served kings and powerful elites in domination societies. The masses, discouraged from developing awareness of their own needs, have instead been educated to be docile and subservient to authority.
“This means that when we have a judgemental dialogue going on within, we become alienated from what we are needing and cannot then act to meet those needs. Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.” (pg 171-172)
“In this dialogue Buber posits that human growth occurs through a meeting between two individuals who express themselves vulnerably and authentically in what he termed an “I-Thou” relationship.” (pg 175-176)
“There is a cartoon where one Native Americna remarks to another, “watch me use modern psychology on my horse!” He then leads his friend new to where the horse can overhear their conversation and exclaims, “I have the fastest, the most courageous horse in all the West!” The horse looks sad and says to itself, “How do you like that? He’s gone and bought himself another horse.” (pg 186)
That’s how I feel most of the time. Is it the result of a lack of authenticity in my communications?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
“It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world” (Marianne Williamson, pg 189)
“Still hesitant, I told myself that words couldn’t do justice to the depths of what I wished to communicate. I quickly saw thru that one, though: yes, words may be poor vehicles in conveying our heartfelt realities, but as I have learned, “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly!”
“Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments, however positive, and are sometimes offered to manipulate the behavior of others.” (pg 192)
“My grandmother loved to dance, and my mother remembers her saying often, “Never walk when you can dance.” (pg 194)
Friday, April 13, 2007
The Rules (preliminary book review)
I read a few more pages of The Rules again the other night. I was struck by how crazy it is. Then, I read more and was struck by how honest it is. Who admits that they play games to get what they want? Very few. My third reaction was how real it is about the things we do to sabatage what we want.
For example, Rule #5: Don't call him and rarely return his calls. Now, not returning someone's calls is just plain rude, but when you really like someone you might be tempted to call him all the time. You do it with your best friend. You do it with your mother and your sister. But this guy in question doesn't know you well yet, and his feelings might or might not be in line with yours.
So, when the book recommended calling his home answering machine when he's at work and hanging up before the beep just to hear his voice, I understood. It's supply and demand -- too much supply leads to a lack of appreciation for the commodity. On the other hand, if you can find mechanism to get your needs met without overloading what you supply, well, it seems to me that everyone wins.
This book is for women more like I am than my friends. I have planned my wedding. I have named my children. I know what the house we will live in will look like. I've decided how chores will be divided up. It's flexible, but I have already thought it thru. Of course, my dates who aren't already in love with me might feel irritated or overwhelmed by this information. It might put them off. And that's just not necessary since... afterall, it's flexible.
A good friend of mine was very in love with this woman for, well, most of the 8 or so years I've been friends with him. It hasn't worked out. He told me once about how she liked to drink red wine in bed, and she is clumsy. I was horrified when he told me that she frequently spilled her red wine all over his white bed. "I thought it was cute," he explained. I'm waiting for someone to like me enough to think it's cute that I planned our future together 20 years ago.
For example, Rule #5: Don't call him and rarely return his calls. Now, not returning someone's calls is just plain rude, but when you really like someone you might be tempted to call him all the time. You do it with your best friend. You do it with your mother and your sister. But this guy in question doesn't know you well yet, and his feelings might or might not be in line with yours.
So, when the book recommended calling his home answering machine when he's at work and hanging up before the beep just to hear his voice, I understood. It's supply and demand -- too much supply leads to a lack of appreciation for the commodity. On the other hand, if you can find mechanism to get your needs met without overloading what you supply, well, it seems to me that everyone wins.
This book is for women more like I am than my friends. I have planned my wedding. I have named my children. I know what the house we will live in will look like. I've decided how chores will be divided up. It's flexible, but I have already thought it thru. Of course, my dates who aren't already in love with me might feel irritated or overwhelmed by this information. It might put them off. And that's just not necessary since... afterall, it's flexible.
A good friend of mine was very in love with this woman for, well, most of the 8 or so years I've been friends with him. It hasn't worked out. He told me once about how she liked to drink red wine in bed, and she is clumsy. I was horrified when he told me that she frequently spilled her red wine all over his white bed. "I thought it was cute," he explained. I'm waiting for someone to like me enough to think it's cute that I planned our future together 20 years ago.
I am fragile.
Last week, there seemed to be a lesson. My horoscope, for example, began with:
"I am fragile, delicate, and sensitive. That is my strength."
-The Indian spiritual teacher Osho
Meanwhile, Garrison Keiller read me: "Failing and Flying" by Jack Gilbert, from Refusing Heaven about the ending of relationships. My mother and I sent it to some of our friends, and Anne had a wonderful response: “…this is so beautiful, so sad but so hopeful, because it gives you a new way to see. I've always thought that there are relationships that are perfect but still temporary - not only love relationships, but all kinds of personal relationships. You have to appreciate their fullness and completeness - and like the poet says, remember that they flew, even if they ended up crashing to the earth….” To which I replied: “…I guess that's the Truth of poetry, of analogy, that they are especially profound when an idea can be applied not just to Icarus and to marriage but also to friendship and fresh fruit and television….”
I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith the other day, and it reminded me a lot of myself and Jared, not just because he likened her to Christmas morning, but also because of the overwhelming sense of prevailing falsehood, and that the burned the whole f*ing thing down. It seems highly unlikely to me that a situation like that could have a happy ending, but Hollywood is special that way. When people don’t trust, establishing trust isn’t like the flip of a switch.
All that reminded me of the Myth of the Phoenix rising from the burning flame. For both myself and my sister, devastating heartbreak has lead to a sudden falling of everything else into place: work, friends, apartment…. I finally renewed my driver’s license. I told her this yesterday, and she replied with disappointment that she doesn’t have a new boyfriend yet. I can’t help but feel like she’s missing the point. They didn’t love us enough to make it work, and as soon as they were gone our lives improved dramatically in every other way. Isn’t it just possible that the Universe is trying to tell us something? Not just, “Gosh, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to hurt this much.” But instead: “Look at how beautiful the world is out there, How talented you are, How much so many people love you. Look! …Don’t you see it? He was just a diversion.”
I find dating less mysterious now than I ever have. Last night, Sultan, Jake, and I were at Café Revolution near my house. A young woman singer-songwriter sang about how she did everything wrong in this relationship and now she’s finally getting used to the idea of him with other women. I was moved by the idea of her doing everything wrong, since of course, that’s easy to related to, but the thing about her getting used to him with other women fell rather flat to me bc it doesn’t have anything to do with that. Plus, I think this goes back to the whole “show don’t tell thing.” When I think about Jared with other women, I feel sorry for them without wholeheartedly wishing that things could be different. You choose your perspective. It's representative of something else; so, show me what.
Someone I know professionally was telling me Friday how I appear to have a vision that I’m successfully pursuing. I laughed and self-deprecated. Then she told me about a therapist who told her that she was high-functioning. She then fired that therapist. But the point is that what’s showing outside doesn’t always indicate anything on the inside… unless you know how to look.
This post is getting off track. Andy Warhol’s “Hell is other people” lacks authenticity. And getting used to their existence misses the point. Jake was advising me on another issue last weekend to “fake it until you make it”, and I think that one may have relevance. Mr. and Mrs. Smith destroyed all their possessions because their love for each other gave them a sense of fragility they didn’t know how to handle. Since they were both hired killers, the resulting escalation made it possible for them to put each other’s lives at stake and then realize that they didn’t really want each other dead. From there, there was no alternative but to show their vulnerability since they couldn’t kill each other.
But why not skip the middle stage? The catch is that both people have to do it at the same time, or at least believe that the other person can do it. Or at least be strong enough to do it on your own. Not many of us are. But also, things end, and from their endings, the beautiful can happen. Compost provides an excellent analogy. Relationships, and our relationship-lives, have cycles. What we can do to celebrate the life in that is to let ourselves be fragile, vulnerable from strength.
"I am fragile, delicate, and sensitive. That is my strength."
-The Indian spiritual teacher Osho
Meanwhile, Garrison Keiller read me: "Failing and Flying" by Jack Gilbert, from Refusing Heaven about the ending of relationships. My mother and I sent it to some of our friends, and Anne had a wonderful response: “…this is so beautiful, so sad but so hopeful, because it gives you a new way to see. I've always thought that there are relationships that are perfect but still temporary - not only love relationships, but all kinds of personal relationships. You have to appreciate their fullness and completeness - and like the poet says, remember that they flew, even if they ended up crashing to the earth….” To which I replied: “…I guess that's the Truth of poetry, of analogy, that they are especially profound when an idea can be applied not just to Icarus and to marriage but also to friendship and fresh fruit and television….”
I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith the other day, and it reminded me a lot of myself and Jared, not just because he likened her to Christmas morning, but also because of the overwhelming sense of prevailing falsehood, and that the burned the whole f*ing thing down. It seems highly unlikely to me that a situation like that could have a happy ending, but Hollywood is special that way. When people don’t trust, establishing trust isn’t like the flip of a switch.
All that reminded me of the Myth of the Phoenix rising from the burning flame. For both myself and my sister, devastating heartbreak has lead to a sudden falling of everything else into place: work, friends, apartment…. I finally renewed my driver’s license. I told her this yesterday, and she replied with disappointment that she doesn’t have a new boyfriend yet. I can’t help but feel like she’s missing the point. They didn’t love us enough to make it work, and as soon as they were gone our lives improved dramatically in every other way. Isn’t it just possible that the Universe is trying to tell us something? Not just, “Gosh, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to hurt this much.” But instead: “Look at how beautiful the world is out there, How talented you are, How much so many people love you. Look! …Don’t you see it? He was just a diversion.”
I find dating less mysterious now than I ever have. Last night, Sultan, Jake, and I were at Café Revolution near my house. A young woman singer-songwriter sang about how she did everything wrong in this relationship and now she’s finally getting used to the idea of him with other women. I was moved by the idea of her doing everything wrong, since of course, that’s easy to related to, but the thing about her getting used to him with other women fell rather flat to me bc it doesn’t have anything to do with that. Plus, I think this goes back to the whole “show don’t tell thing.” When I think about Jared with other women, I feel sorry for them without wholeheartedly wishing that things could be different. You choose your perspective. It's representative of something else; so, show me what.
Someone I know professionally was telling me Friday how I appear to have a vision that I’m successfully pursuing. I laughed and self-deprecated. Then she told me about a therapist who told her that she was high-functioning. She then fired that therapist. But the point is that what’s showing outside doesn’t always indicate anything on the inside… unless you know how to look.
This post is getting off track. Andy Warhol’s “Hell is other people” lacks authenticity. And getting used to their existence misses the point. Jake was advising me on another issue last weekend to “fake it until you make it”, and I think that one may have relevance. Mr. and Mrs. Smith destroyed all their possessions because their love for each other gave them a sense of fragility they didn’t know how to handle. Since they were both hired killers, the resulting escalation made it possible for them to put each other’s lives at stake and then realize that they didn’t really want each other dead. From there, there was no alternative but to show their vulnerability since they couldn’t kill each other.
But why not skip the middle stage? The catch is that both people have to do it at the same time, or at least believe that the other person can do it. Or at least be strong enough to do it on your own. Not many of us are. But also, things end, and from their endings, the beautiful can happen. Compost provides an excellent analogy. Relationships, and our relationship-lives, have cycles. What we can do to celebrate the life in that is to let ourselves be fragile, vulnerable from strength.
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