Emotional arithmetic

(or the meaning of “We”)
Jared and I have known eachother for 4.5 months now, and there’s a lot of “we” going on. Then there’s conflict about that “we”ing. For example, before getting into Jared’s car to drive to LA, I said: “How do we feel about food?” which was code for “do you want to pick up some snacks to eat in the car or would you prefer to stop for food along the way? It doesn’t make sense to do both.” He must have been tired, bc he wasn’t able to decode my message. But that’s another issue all together.

I think the sounds of “we” eclipsed his ability to translate my question into plan English. Later, he was speaking on the phone, arranging for us to meet someone for dinner. He said, “I will be coming from the airport.” After he got off the phone, I asked “Will we be traveling separately?” bc it wasn’t clear to me why he couldn’t say “we will be coming from the airport,” which is likely more accurate. How did plain language become so loaded? If Jared and I are traveling in the car together, the correct pronoun is “we”.

Likewise, if _I_ feel someway and _he_ feels the same way, then _we_ feel that way. Of course, we had to pick this apart late into the night. As part of this process, he came up with the concept of emotional arithmetic, although now that I type this up, it makes less sense to me.

He likened “we” to truth tables: if A is true, AND B is true, then A+B is true. Actually, it can be used for AND, OR, NOT and a variety of other ways. So, when I say “we like whole grain bread” it’s not that I’m usurping his authority on his own preferences. It’s that I know that I prefer whole grain bread, and Jared prefers whole grain bread. Therefore I can safely say that WE prefer whole grain bread.

So, what I was asking about food and the car we for him to negotiate with me about how we would handle food in the car. I was not simply asking how he wanted to feed himself. Two people made the journey. I feel that I can safely speak for both us when I say that we both require nutriance. Therefore, I think it’s also fair to discuss each of our preferences and come up with a consensus.

It seems I can’t win on this “we” issue. Not only does Jared have issues with me speaking for him (“we went to the movies.” Well, we did! We also both road in the car. Ugh!) He also has issues when I use “we” in reference to myself and other people. “The last time I was in LA, we went to a restaurant on Wilshire.” Now, I think it should be pretty clear that the “we” I mean does not include Jared. But now, he has to say “I wasn’t here…?” and wants to know who I’m talking about.

When we discussed this the other night, I said, “this would make a great blog post on relationships.” But now that I’m trying to type it up, I’m thinking maybe not. Maybe I’m sharing just a little too much about this relationship. I think I’ll mull it over for a while before posting.

***
It’s the next day, and I talked with Jared about this post and my feelings about it. I suggested perhaps the “we” issue is his form of what we call an “oatmeal moment”. He said that’s possible, but he wants to make it clear that he just wants to understand what the decision tree is for what “we feel”. He thinks it’s unnecessarily complicated to feel things collectively.

Over the past few months, we have developed a bit of our own language. The joke/fear is that, shortly, none of our friends will understand us. But then, it provides the opportunity to explain our language, which can be fun. But you’re still wondering, what is an “oatmeal moment”? Well, it’s pretty much the opposite of what it sounds like.

The Oatmeal Moment
We’d been dating only a few weeks (and been on maybe 4 or 5 dates only) when it came up that I like to eat oatmeal for breakfast. The next time we saw each other, he told me that he’d been looking at oatmeal in the grocery store (he didn’t buy any bc they didn’t have the right kind). My reaction? Well, I kinda freak out in the line of “we only just started seeing each other. It’s way too early for you to be shopping for me.” I took some deep breaths and it passed, but an “oatmeal moment” is basically a moment of commitment phobia where you think “this is going too fast”.

What Do You Think About This Relationship? (Don’t answer, read on for explanation….)
We have another one we call “what do you think about this relationship?” which is roughly the opposite of an oatmeal moment. Around the same time (date 5 or so), I mentioned that 2 of the artists at Creative Growth appeared to be dating and described them a little. At this point in the conversation, there was some environmental distraction (likely a good looking bike, knowing us). When it passed, Jared paused and then said “So, what do you think about this relationship?”

I, then, wrongly assumed that he meant the relationship between him and me and not the relationship between these artists at Creative Growth. I thought to myself “he’s about to break up with me” and began racking my brain for any additional evidence that that was possible. Except there wasn’t any. I turned and looked into his face, mine filled with anxiety. He, of course, read this in my face and began stammering to clarify. So, “what do you think about this relationship?” is that moment when you misinterpret what someone has said to mean that they are about to leave you when that’s not what they meant at all. It happens more than you might think.