[Book review] Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

Yes, I read the book. Cover to cover. It was a quick read. Over the first half, the author blamed women (herself) for being single. I found her tiresome. By the second half, she got into the meat of it: why, and what to do about it.

I agree that a lot of the good ones get snapped up. I also agree that men who really want to be married, get married(*), and so far that hasn’t been to either me or Lori Gottlieb, the book’s author. Finally, I agree that some woman are too picky(**), don’t give perfectly good guys a chance. I, however, am not one of those women.

When Lori presented her date “Sheldon2” and explained that she was reluctant to go out with him because in his personals profile picture he wore a pink bow tie… well, I knew she wasn’t speaking to me. Because 1) I think men wearing pink bow ties are adorable. And 2) I never rule men out by their photo unless they present themselves resting against a fancy sports car (or otherwise expressing a culture that I cannot relate to). The photo is an opportunity to learn about what the person values, how they see themselves, not to judge their taste in clothes or if they're cute enough for you.

She ends up dating the guy happily. He's widower and single parent. Unfortunately, she explains, he gets the opportunity to move to Chicago and be closer to family who could help him with his child. She believes their situations pulled them apart. I think that if he was excited about her he would have: 1) waited to move a short time to see where the relationship was going, 2) continued seeing her long distance to see where the relationship was going, or 3) asked her to move with him. She is, after all, a writer who can write anywhere. Sorry, Lori, didn’t buy it.

At another point in the book, she discusses a woman who would be happy with “an 8” (as opposed to a 10) but is afraid she might choose the wrong “8.”

All this leads me to my biggest concern about her “case”. Let’s say you decide to “settle for Mr. Good Enough”; who’s to say he’s going to want to “settle” for you. Anything worth having is worth fighting for, and I’m not sure I could muster the enthusiasm for someone who’s sort of OK. So, you make a concession and commit yourself to someone who seems like he’d be a good partner even if you’re not in love with him. By the time he leaves you, you’ve wasted a whole lot of time trying to make something work that wasn’t that great.

It’s terribly sad that Lori feels like she’s worth so little. That she closes herself off to people she doesn’t know yet. That her search for a husband has been so frustrating for her. Dating, getting to know new people, is incredibly fun. I’m still romantic enough to prefer being “alone” forever rather than marrying the wrong guy just to have a husband. And if you’re ever going to find him, you have to: 1) work the numbers, and 2) stop looking when you do (***). I know a woman who met 37 guys within one year in her search for a husband. She married number 35. My mother met the love of her life (and third husband) at age 42. Yeah, you have to be ready; you have to be open; but most of all, you have to be at the right place at the right time (i.e. lucky). And sometimes, just sometimes, that luck lasts for a while. Until it does, you also have to know when to walk away (and believe in yourself when you do -- at least most of the time).

Random quotes I liked from the book (I didn’t read its beginning with a pencil so quotes start half way through):
(***)“… people are more satisfied with nonreturnable items than they are with returnable ones.” (pg 152, Schwartz, The Paradox of Choice)
(**)“that’s the thing about choice: if you don’t choose anything, eventually you are left with nothing.” (pg 155)
“I have friends who do the whole 10 p.m. Googling thing – what about that girl from high school? And while it’s tempting, you have to remember that the internet is just a modern-day Harlequin romance filled with real characters” (pg. 171)
(**)“Two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women” (because) “women want more” from relationships (romance, passion, help around the house) (pg 210)
(*)“…one characteristic to look for in a husband is simply someone who wants to be married.” (pg 223)