NVC, part 2

Here are my notes and commentary from the rest of the other weekend’s NVC training:
• A 1 degree shift will lead you to someplace completely different down the road… and that’s all you can hope to get from a training.
• NVC is a mechanism thru which you should be able to connect with anyone (descriptively rather than prescriptively).
• Giving without any idea of reciprocation can be very gratifying – giving from a place of joy. I want to quibble with this one – I think everything we do is because of what we get, or can get, in return. I think even Mother Theresa did what she did because it made her feel good. Maybe that’s what this point means, but in which case, I don’t know what the alternative would be.
• We have needs. We develop strategies to get these needs met. However, these strategies often don’t work, or become obstacles to us getting our needs met. It’s when we get too attached to the strategies we’ve developed that problems arise.
• Demands are equally ineffective – a demand is when there are consequences if our needs aren’t met. Unstated demands are the most destructive. Instead we need to get back in touch with empathy for the other person.
• Some people asked about power struggles in relationships – apparently this is a big issue for many. Our trainer speculated that power struggles are derived from a lack of trust that the other person will meet one’s needs. Perhaps power is associated with a need for feeling safe. We all need to feel safe and autonomous, but we also need to find ways to get along.
• Another question was about what to do when your partner won’t self-assess. People felt frustrated because they end up not having their needs met and no understanding why. The trainer suggested that people examine their partners need for safety, or why they might feel unsafe self-assessing. I think that NVC isn’t really about “taking someone else’s inventory” (as I understand they say in 12-step). I believe NVC is about making sure our own needs are met and, because needs are universal, doing it right will lead our partners to understand our needs and look with us for strategies to have them met. On the other hand, if mutual assessment gives a feeling of intimacy, then perhaps one should look for other strategies that might generate that feeling.
• All this also leads back to the book “The 5 languages of love” that Rachel Berney told me about, and I have discussed before.
• We find friends and partners who behave as we expect people to behave, who meet our needs in ways we expect them to. Whether someone is culturally or just personally different, relating to them causes us stress.
• Hear other people’s requests as a beautiful song.
• Have a lot of question marks in your conversations about important issues – come from a place of inquiry. I think this means having an open heart to really hearing the other person rather than coming into conflicts with a per-determined outcome in mind. This reminds me of my observation about democracy in relationships.
• When you feel guilt, anger, shame it means that you are letting yourself embrace too many “shoulds”.
• When relating to others, connect with their needs that you want to be meeting.
• When someone reacts very strongly to something, deal with the reaction – that why you can still express your truth. This leads to connection….Gosh, I don’t really know what this one is supposed to mean.
• NVC: 1) observation (without judgement), 2) your feelings, 3) the need that you would like to have met, 4) a request, 5) “how does it feel to hear that?” Everything we say is “please help me get my needs met. Thank you for meeting my needs.” But make sure to flush it out – say why. Our trainer thanked a student for her enthusiasm this way, and it was, of course, very compelling. Much more compelling than just saying “thanks for you enthusiasm.” Try saying all kinds of things this way – it might even be too meaningful.