Friday, March 30, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
One more thing about our Alaska vacation
This picture, from a spam email I got from a friend, reminded me of our heating situation in Petersberg, AK last year.
On things
The issue isn’t just having the right number of things. It’s having the right things: the right computer, the right phone, the right friends, the right boyfriend, the right internet connection, the right books, the right furniture, the right pictures of your family…. Sometimes that results in having too many things as each one doesn’t quite fit the bill in one small way or another. For things that it’s OK to have many of, that can work as long as it doesn’t get out of control. But some things you really want only one of, like your phone, and if the one you’ve got leaves unmet needs, there’s trouble.
I’m here to tell you that I now have 4 phones. Yes, you read that right: FOUR. I only go regularly to two places (my home and the office) and with mobile technology such as it is, I see no need to have more than one. Unfortunately, not everyone in my life agrees: my work, for example. They gave me a desk phone (so people can reach me by extension) and a mobile phone (for its walkie-talkie feature). I already had a mobile phone (for everything) and a LAN (for my doorbell when other people are at my apartment and for dial-up internet when necessary). I’m sure there’s some way to make these 4 numbers all ring in one little pocket phone, but me and one of the largest internet companies in the world are not that sophisticated. Or maybe I just haven’t asked the right people in the right way.
Technology is funny. After I got attacked by that crack whore last weekend (I’m not kidding), the police actually came to my house and left a message on my home answering machine bc they didn’t get the number from the 911 call that brought them to me. I KNOW that 911 could see my number; I learned that on television. So instead, they sent one of San Francisco’s finest to my house when I was at work to leave a message.
I recently heard that people are calling this the “golden age of television” bc it has so much competition its forced to innovate to keep its audience. Can that be true of other things? Like, when a relationship is unraveling, are its members forced to approach it with more creativity? The reason that isn’t the case (in my life anyway) is that when a relationship is unraveling it usually means that one or both members aren’t putting the needed energy into it to keep it going. It can’t be held up by one person trying harder bc what makes a relationship work is when both parties together become more than the sum of their parts. I believe to do that you have to free fall into and trust you’ll land on something soft and gentle at terminal velocity.
Accepting the premise that television is better now than it’s ever been (which I don’t have an opinion about since I don’t watch TV anymore), maybe television is better now bc it lacks the weight of its own success. Fewer people watch so fewer people judge. It’s no longer trying to please everyone. Now, it’s just trying to please itself and the few it can hold onto. But I’m just talking here.
I was returning a DVD to the library at 24th and Mission the other day with my backpack on my front. Two guys stood in front of a café. It was early morning. I overheard one saying to the other: “that one’s got great legs. She just needs to have her breasts fixed,” and then they laughed. Do guys really talk like that to each other?
I’m here to tell you that I now have 4 phones. Yes, you read that right: FOUR. I only go regularly to two places (my home and the office) and with mobile technology such as it is, I see no need to have more than one. Unfortunately, not everyone in my life agrees: my work, for example. They gave me a desk phone (so people can reach me by extension) and a mobile phone (for its walkie-talkie feature). I already had a mobile phone (for everything) and a LAN (for my doorbell when other people are at my apartment and for dial-up internet when necessary). I’m sure there’s some way to make these 4 numbers all ring in one little pocket phone, but me and one of the largest internet companies in the world are not that sophisticated. Or maybe I just haven’t asked the right people in the right way.
Technology is funny. After I got attacked by that crack whore last weekend (I’m not kidding), the police actually came to my house and left a message on my home answering machine bc they didn’t get the number from the 911 call that brought them to me. I KNOW that 911 could see my number; I learned that on television. So instead, they sent one of San Francisco’s finest to my house when I was at work to leave a message.
I recently heard that people are calling this the “golden age of television” bc it has so much competition its forced to innovate to keep its audience. Can that be true of other things? Like, when a relationship is unraveling, are its members forced to approach it with more creativity? The reason that isn’t the case (in my life anyway) is that when a relationship is unraveling it usually means that one or both members aren’t putting the needed energy into it to keep it going. It can’t be held up by one person trying harder bc what makes a relationship work is when both parties together become more than the sum of their parts. I believe to do that you have to free fall into and trust you’ll land on something soft and gentle at terminal velocity.
Accepting the premise that television is better now than it’s ever been (which I don’t have an opinion about since I don’t watch TV anymore), maybe television is better now bc it lacks the weight of its own success. Fewer people watch so fewer people judge. It’s no longer trying to please everyone. Now, it’s just trying to please itself and the few it can hold onto. But I’m just talking here.
I was returning a DVD to the library at 24th and Mission the other day with my backpack on my front. Two guys stood in front of a café. It was early morning. I overheard one saying to the other: “that one’s got great legs. She just needs to have her breasts fixed,” and then they laughed. Do guys really talk like that to each other?
Monday, March 12, 2007
Quotes from Charlie's email signature
"They say of the poet and the madman we all have a little...."
-Sandra Cisneros
"If we walk and walk and walk, people will call it a road."
-Korean Folk Saying
-Sandra Cisneros
"If we walk and walk and walk, people will call it a road."
-Korean Folk Saying
Sunday, March 11, 2007
NVC, part 2
Here are my notes and commentary from the rest of the other weekend’s NVC training:
• A 1 degree shift will lead you to someplace completely different down the road… and that’s all you can hope to get from a training.
• NVC is a mechanism thru which you should be able to connect with anyone (descriptively rather than prescriptively).
• Giving without any idea of reciprocation can be very gratifying – giving from a place of joy. I want to quibble with this one – I think everything we do is because of what we get, or can get, in return. I think even Mother Theresa did what she did because it made her feel good. Maybe that’s what this point means, but in which case, I don’t know what the alternative would be.
• We have needs. We develop strategies to get these needs met. However, these strategies often don’t work, or become obstacles to us getting our needs met. It’s when we get too attached to the strategies we’ve developed that problems arise.
• Demands are equally ineffective – a demand is when there are consequences if our needs aren’t met. Unstated demands are the most destructive. Instead we need to get back in touch with empathy for the other person.
• Some people asked about power struggles in relationships – apparently this is a big issue for many. Our trainer speculated that power struggles are derived from a lack of trust that the other person will meet one’s needs. Perhaps power is associated with a need for feeling safe. We all need to feel safe and autonomous, but we also need to find ways to get along.
• Another question was about what to do when your partner won’t self-assess. People felt frustrated because they end up not having their needs met and no understanding why. The trainer suggested that people examine their partners need for safety, or why they might feel unsafe self-assessing. I think that NVC isn’t really about “taking someone else’s inventory” (as I understand they say in 12-step). I believe NVC is about making sure our own needs are met and, because needs are universal, doing it right will lead our partners to understand our needs and look with us for strategies to have them met. On the other hand, if mutual assessment gives a feeling of intimacy, then perhaps one should look for other strategies that might generate that feeling.
• All this also leads back to the book “The 5 languages of love” that Rachel Berney told me about, and I have discussed before.
• We find friends and partners who behave as we expect people to behave, who meet our needs in ways we expect them to. Whether someone is culturally or just personally different, relating to them causes us stress.
• Hear other people’s requests as a beautiful song.
• Have a lot of question marks in your conversations about important issues – come from a place of inquiry. I think this means having an open heart to really hearing the other person rather than coming into conflicts with a per-determined outcome in mind. This reminds me of my observation about democracy in relationships.
• When you feel guilt, anger, shame it means that you are letting yourself embrace too many “shoulds”.
• When relating to others, connect with their needs that you want to be meeting.
• When someone reacts very strongly to something, deal with the reaction – that why you can still express your truth. This leads to connection….Gosh, I don’t really know what this one is supposed to mean.
• NVC: 1) observation (without judgement), 2) your feelings, 3) the need that you would like to have met, 4) a request, 5) “how does it feel to hear that?” Everything we say is “please help me get my needs met. Thank you for meeting my needs.” But make sure to flush it out – say why. Our trainer thanked a student for her enthusiasm this way, and it was, of course, very compelling. Much more compelling than just saying “thanks for you enthusiasm.” Try saying all kinds of things this way – it might even be too meaningful.
• A 1 degree shift will lead you to someplace completely different down the road… and that’s all you can hope to get from a training.
• NVC is a mechanism thru which you should be able to connect with anyone (descriptively rather than prescriptively).
• Giving without any idea of reciprocation can be very gratifying – giving from a place of joy. I want to quibble with this one – I think everything we do is because of what we get, or can get, in return. I think even Mother Theresa did what she did because it made her feel good. Maybe that’s what this point means, but in which case, I don’t know what the alternative would be.
• We have needs. We develop strategies to get these needs met. However, these strategies often don’t work, or become obstacles to us getting our needs met. It’s when we get too attached to the strategies we’ve developed that problems arise.
• Demands are equally ineffective – a demand is when there are consequences if our needs aren’t met. Unstated demands are the most destructive. Instead we need to get back in touch with empathy for the other person.
• Some people asked about power struggles in relationships – apparently this is a big issue for many. Our trainer speculated that power struggles are derived from a lack of trust that the other person will meet one’s needs. Perhaps power is associated with a need for feeling safe. We all need to feel safe and autonomous, but we also need to find ways to get along.
• Another question was about what to do when your partner won’t self-assess. People felt frustrated because they end up not having their needs met and no understanding why. The trainer suggested that people examine their partners need for safety, or why they might feel unsafe self-assessing. I think that NVC isn’t really about “taking someone else’s inventory” (as I understand they say in 12-step). I believe NVC is about making sure our own needs are met and, because needs are universal, doing it right will lead our partners to understand our needs and look with us for strategies to have them met. On the other hand, if mutual assessment gives a feeling of intimacy, then perhaps one should look for other strategies that might generate that feeling.
• All this also leads back to the book “The 5 languages of love” that Rachel Berney told me about, and I have discussed before.
• We find friends and partners who behave as we expect people to behave, who meet our needs in ways we expect them to. Whether someone is culturally or just personally different, relating to them causes us stress.
• Hear other people’s requests as a beautiful song.
• Have a lot of question marks in your conversations about important issues – come from a place of inquiry. I think this means having an open heart to really hearing the other person rather than coming into conflicts with a per-determined outcome in mind. This reminds me of my observation about democracy in relationships.
• When you feel guilt, anger, shame it means that you are letting yourself embrace too many “shoulds”.
• When relating to others, connect with their needs that you want to be meeting.
• When someone reacts very strongly to something, deal with the reaction – that why you can still express your truth. This leads to connection….Gosh, I don’t really know what this one is supposed to mean.
• NVC: 1) observation (without judgement), 2) your feelings, 3) the need that you would like to have met, 4) a request, 5) “how does it feel to hear that?” Everything we say is “please help me get my needs met. Thank you for meeting my needs.” But make sure to flush it out – say why. Our trainer thanked a student for her enthusiasm this way, and it was, of course, very compelling. Much more compelling than just saying “thanks for you enthusiasm.” Try saying all kinds of things this way – it might even be too meaningful.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Where it hurts
I help people get to work by what we call "alternative modes": public transportation, rideshare, bike, foot.... You can imagine that that means I have to know how to get there by each of these modes. So, yesterday morning starting at 5 AM, we biked the 45 miles to work. Of course, this is also really good multitasking since I need to start training for an event I, in a moment of apparent insanity, registered for a while back.
My body is letting me know that I haven't really been on a bike in several months. I feel it mostly in my butt and the inside of my knees. But I'm not actually suffering. What did hurt was getting up that early after a week of not getting enough sleep already. I went to bed at 9 PM last night.
So, I find myself working in the belly of the beast. It feels pretty good. Each day, I say at least something that could offend someone, and sometimes I don't realize it until I get home and mull over my day. That hurts too.
My body is letting me know that I haven't really been on a bike in several months. I feel it mostly in my butt and the inside of my knees. But I'm not actually suffering. What did hurt was getting up that early after a week of not getting enough sleep already. I went to bed at 9 PM last night.
So, I find myself working in the belly of the beast. It feels pretty good. Each day, I say at least something that could offend someone, and sometimes I don't realize it until I get home and mull over my day. That hurts too.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Wild Geese
We all know the poem by Mary Oliver. This morning, for the first time in many years, I listened to A Prairie Home Companion, and I had a revelation. Sure, you have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. But to make that work, you have to love more than you thought you could. The world of relationships has to be black and white to work: love completely or not at all.
Update
It's been less than a week since my last post, but it feels like much longer. I realize I owe you the rest on the NVC event. But here's what's been going on with me:
On Monday, I went back to the South Bay for a second interview with the big boss. We chatted for about 10 minutes when she said: "well, clearly, you're a culture fit, and" she motioned to my resume "clearly, you can do that job. So, how much money do you want?" (I'm paraphrasing in case it comes to that.) The short version is that I will be working down there 30 hours a week (3 or 4 days) for the next "26 weeks" (as my contract says). I'm thrilled and also completely exhausted already.
I started work on Thursday (altho, technically, my contract hadn't begun yet). This time, I took the correct shuttle (only after nearly getting on the wrong one for yet another company). The wifi on the shuttle worked OK, but I wasn't able to get my podcasts. I was able to surf pretty well. Of course, this is my job now, and we're talking about ways to improve on that... and if it's worth it to improve it.
The Professor and I went to first Thursday (when the downtown galleries are open late). One gallery (on the second floor of 77 Geary) had a really cool subway painting. Some friends of his from Oakland were having an opening party on 9th Street. So, we trekked up there for that. My favorite piece was a painting of a rather architecturally-bland hotel in yellow. His friend had made a huge horse out of styrofoam.
Friday night, my gallery had its party, and many folks came. I speculated about how I couldn't get myself a gig in the public or non-profit sectors, but it has been easy to find work in big business (non-transportation industry -- I now have 2). My bike guy suggested that it was my mascara. I don't know what that means. Shortly after, we got to speculating about what life is all about. We came to the conclusion that meaning is found in things that grow on their own: plants, work, relationships.... Things where you plant the seed and the rest happens on its own and surprises you.
Sailing yesterday was OK, but the company was good. My dinner plans ended early; so, I found myself watching a movie, Gloomy Sunday (after the Hungarian suicide song), with some of my girlfriends. I wondered how many women across the city were watching dvds on couches at that very moment. The film was really good, and Erika Marozsán is stunningly beautiful. Her character, however, wasn't very complex, and this lessened the effectiveness of the story. Afterall, pretty girls are a dime a dozen. Why did this one cause so much trouble?
I sit at the gallery today. I dropped one of my classes, but I need to catch up on the other one. I went for a run, which felt really good. I need to start training on the bike again. This cafe is loud.
On Monday, I went back to the South Bay for a second interview with the big boss. We chatted for about 10 minutes when she said: "well, clearly, you're a culture fit, and" she motioned to my resume "clearly, you can do that job. So, how much money do you want?" (I'm paraphrasing in case it comes to that.) The short version is that I will be working down there 30 hours a week (3 or 4 days) for the next "26 weeks" (as my contract says). I'm thrilled and also completely exhausted already.
I started work on Thursday (altho, technically, my contract hadn't begun yet). This time, I took the correct shuttle (only after nearly getting on the wrong one for yet another company). The wifi on the shuttle worked OK, but I wasn't able to get my podcasts. I was able to surf pretty well. Of course, this is my job now, and we're talking about ways to improve on that... and if it's worth it to improve it.
The Professor and I went to first Thursday (when the downtown galleries are open late). One gallery (on the second floor of 77 Geary) had a really cool subway painting. Some friends of his from Oakland were having an opening party on 9th Street. So, we trekked up there for that. My favorite piece was a painting of a rather architecturally-bland hotel in yellow. His friend had made a huge horse out of styrofoam.
Friday night, my gallery had its party, and many folks came. I speculated about how I couldn't get myself a gig in the public or non-profit sectors, but it has been easy to find work in big business (non-transportation industry -- I now have 2). My bike guy suggested that it was my mascara. I don't know what that means. Shortly after, we got to speculating about what life is all about. We came to the conclusion that meaning is found in things that grow on their own: plants, work, relationships.... Things where you plant the seed and the rest happens on its own and surprises you.
Sailing yesterday was OK, but the company was good. My dinner plans ended early; so, I found myself watching a movie, Gloomy Sunday (after the Hungarian suicide song), with some of my girlfriends. I wondered how many women across the city were watching dvds on couches at that very moment. The film was really good, and Erika Marozsán is stunningly beautiful. Her character, however, wasn't very complex, and this lessened the effectiveness of the story. Afterall, pretty girls are a dime a dozen. Why did this one cause so much trouble?
I sit at the gallery today. I dropped one of my classes, but I need to catch up on the other one. I went for a run, which felt really good. I need to start training on the bike again. This cafe is loud.
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