[Dear Liliapilia] Car-ism and Dating

A friend has suggested I turn my blog into an advice column. Well, you know I love to give advice, and I do it well most of the time. But I think of the blog as more of an outlet for creative expression. None the less, I received the following request for guidance and it struck a cord with me:

Dear Liliapilia,

One would think that telling a potential date that you don't own a car would be a sexy thing.

Isn't a man who wants to protect the environment for future generations a catch?

No way. Turns out that even the greenest women expect a man to drive them around. I having scared off a few potential dates with this information recently, I began to ask friends how they would responded to the carless man date:

1. Potentially sexy but not very practical.
2. Will I have to drive him around all the time and pick him up?
3. Even environmental girls believe in the Route 66 getaway with our man. So carless in America is stuck and going nowhere.

What is going on?

Signed,

Considering Any Reason for Loser Eco Sorry Saps
(CARLESS)

Since I have already given him my answer, my response here will be of a more analytical, rather than personal, sort. He also posted the question on craigslist and I basically agree with what they said: It shouldn't be an issue. Those girls just weren't that into you. I'm sorry.

On the other hand, a girl (and probably a guy too) can't always tell if they are going to like someone before the first date. The rule of thumb is, as you know, 3 dates before you decide. Elizabeth points out that this is just if you are seriously looking for an LTR (because if you're not, what's the point of hanging out with someone you're not already wild about? You've got your friends for that, and you can pick people up at a party or a bar to get your rocks off). But before that 3 date point, you're supposed to keep an open mind (unless someone really offends you or something).

OK, so back to the car issue.... Obviously, I am a unique cultural phenomenon, but let's start with me. I ran a small (very small) spreadsheet on it, and most of the guys I have dated (that is gone out on 3 or more dates) in the past 10 years have had a car (one road a scooter, some had bikes). These guys range from geeky eco PhD student (no car) to businessman/raver (car). (While it is outside the 10 year horizon, in 1993, I taught my then boyfriend to drive.) While I claim to prefer men without cars, the guys who reached critical time points (3 months, 1 year) all used some variety of internal combustion.

More generally, Sam coaches little league, and his domestic partner, Jess, was watching one day. One of the Moms said to Jess: Which one is yours?
Jess: See the big one who’s coaching? That one's mine.
The Mom: Oh, you're Sam's girlfriend. What's it like to date a guy who doesn't have a car?
Granted, this woman is possibly of a different culture and age bracket than we're talking about. (But on the other hand, I am 34. And our advice-seeker is also in his thirties. So, maybe not age bracket.)

We are all, not matter how well-educated or counter-culture, controlled to some extent by mass media and advertising. Several guys have said things to me about how they chose their car to attract the ladies. Maybe that works on some ladies. Maybe that works on me (goddess forbid!). Or maybe, like the craigslist responders said, it is much more complicated than that, and the ladies CARLESS is choosing are just not looking to fall in love or at least not with him. In fact, and I draw upon more knowledge than should be available, maybe our CARLESS advice seeker is sabotaging his own efforts and going after what he wants from the ladies (whatever that is) the wrong way. [warning: compulsory cliché here] Only time will tell.