[Christian Science Monitor] A rape victim defies traditional code

A rape victim defies traditional code

By Owais Tohid | Correspondent of The Christian Science Monitor

ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN – When Mukhtaran Mai, a simple, uneducated peasant of a small village, was gang raped on the orders of a local council, her life was supposed to be over. In Pakistan's tribal and feudal culture, rape victims are usually ostracized. But Ms. Mai refused to back down, dedicating her life to social work and to changing attitudes about women.
"I had only three choices. Either to commit suicide by jumping in a well or shed tears all my life like any other victim in such cases. Or I could challenge the cruel feudal and tribal system and harsh attitudes of society," says Mai in a phone interview with the Monitor.

For three years, Mai has been fighting an uphill battle for justice against the culprits. Monday she is set to appear in Pakistan's Supreme Court to seek punishment for 12 men, including four alleged rapists. Lower courts put one of her attackers behind bars for life, but five other convicted men were freed on appeal because of a "lack of sufficient evidence."

Her case has garnered national and even international attention, thanks to her willingness to speak out both here and abroad. Concerned that she would tarnish the country's image, the government recently banned her from foreign travel, only to back off amid protests. But her greatest impact may be at home, where her boldness has helped change people's perceptions of rape victims, say rights activists.

"She has become a symbol of resistance and defiance in the country," says Farzana Bari, a leading women rights activist who has worked closely with Mai. "For the women's movement, her case is significant as she is showing the cruel face of a system which considers women as property."

The fate of 32-year-old Mai changed when she was allegedly raped by several men on the orders of a self-styled community justice council, known as a punchayat, in the Punjab village of Meerwala. The councils consist of tribal elders and influential feudal lords.

She was punished for no crime of her own. A rival clan went to the punchayat claiming that Mai's teenaged brother allegedly had a sexual relationship with a girl of their clan. Villagers say the boy was merely seen walking with the girl. The punchayat ordered that Mai be raped by the rival clan members to settle the score.

Mai says she shouted and screamed for help while she was dragged in front of hordes of villagers for rape. She walked back to her family house in front of the villagers, shivering, with tears in her eyes. But nobody came forward as a witness in her case.

Initially her parents refused to register a complaint with the police, saying it will bring dishonor to the family and disrepute to the tribe, an attitude no different from traditional practice. But they eventually agreed, due to Mai's commitment to fight.

"I pray to God to get justice as my victory will be the victory of suppressed and oppressed women," says Mai. "God forbid if I lose. Then it will be a defeat for everyone who believes in social justice."

When the case hit the headlines of national and international media, Mai became a celebrity and visited several countries in the West.

Using money she raised abroad, she now runs a primary school for girls and boys. Within two years, the enrollment increased to 350 and she plans to construct two more classrooms. The school's success shows that the villagers trust her, even to teach their kids the Koran.

"I want to see girls of peasants study and make their own identities rather than being caught in the vicious cycle of this feudal system," she says. "I am at peace whenever I see them studying."

Mai also lends a hand to other victimized women, to whom she has become a hero. Though she has helped embolden women in Pakistan, the fragile women's movement has a long road ahead. During seven months last year, 151 Pakistani women were gang-raped and 176 were murdered, victims of the centuries-old tribal custom of honor killings, according to the Human Rights Commission of Pakistan.

A fortnight ago, human rights activists had wanted Mai to go to the US to speak on the issue but the government took her passport and restricted Mai to her house. During a recent trip to New Zealand, President Pervez Musharraf reportedly said Mai was being taken to the US by foreign nongovernmental organizations "to bad-mouth Pakistan" over the "terrible state" of the nation's women. He said NGOs are "Westernized fringe elements" which are "as bad as the Islamic extremists."

Islamabad lifted the travel ban after protests from rights activists, international media, and perhaps most significantly, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Mai, who has postponed her trip until after the court verdict, met with General Musharraf a couple of months ago.

"Someone must have tried to create a misunderstanding as he has always been kind to me," Mai says. "But how could he even think that I will bad mouth Pakistan? I love my country as much he does. I could have sought asylum, but I belong to this country and the land belongs to me."

Mai acknowledges that the pressure on her is daunting at times. "Even some people in the community taunt me, but I don't cry anymore. I only cry when the darkness hides my face. I curl up in my mother's lap but smile with sunrise with more vigor and courage," she says.

Mai wants to get married and she says lots of men have proposed to her. "But they seem to be interested more in money. I could see dollars flashing in their eyes. I tell them if you want to marry me then live with me in the village and serve people. Then they don't return," she says, smiling.

(CL) PRERELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT

From Craigslist:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-71582044@craigslist.org
Date: Wed May 04 06:58:11 2005


The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.

Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty 30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four(24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the phrases couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and – using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same ...."

[Dear Liliapilia] Car-ism and Dating

A friend has suggested I turn my blog into an advice column. Well, you know I love to give advice, and I do it well most of the time. But I think of the blog as more of an outlet for creative expression. None the less, I received the following request for guidance and it struck a cord with me:

Dear Liliapilia,

One would think that telling a potential date that you don't own a car would be a sexy thing.

Isn't a man who wants to protect the environment for future generations a catch?

No way. Turns out that even the greenest women expect a man to drive them around. I having scared off a few potential dates with this information recently, I began to ask friends how they would responded to the carless man date:

1. Potentially sexy but not very practical.
2. Will I have to drive him around all the time and pick him up?
3. Even environmental girls believe in the Route 66 getaway with our man. So carless in America is stuck and going nowhere.

What is going on?

Signed,

Considering Any Reason for Loser Eco Sorry Saps
(CARLESS)

Since I have already given him my answer, my response here will be of a more analytical, rather than personal, sort. He also posted the question on craigslist and I basically agree with what they said: It shouldn't be an issue. Those girls just weren't that into you. I'm sorry.

On the other hand, a girl (and probably a guy too) can't always tell if they are going to like someone before the first date. The rule of thumb is, as you know, 3 dates before you decide. Elizabeth points out that this is just if you are seriously looking for an LTR (because if you're not, what's the point of hanging out with someone you're not already wild about? You've got your friends for that, and you can pick people up at a party or a bar to get your rocks off). But before that 3 date point, you're supposed to keep an open mind (unless someone really offends you or something).

OK, so back to the car issue.... Obviously, I am a unique cultural phenomenon, but let's start with me. I ran a small (very small) spreadsheet on it, and most of the guys I have dated (that is gone out on 3 or more dates) in the past 10 years have had a car (one road a scooter, some had bikes). These guys range from geeky eco PhD student (no car) to businessman/raver (car). (While it is outside the 10 year horizon, in 1993, I taught my then boyfriend to drive.) While I claim to prefer men without cars, the guys who reached critical time points (3 months, 1 year) all used some variety of internal combustion.

More generally, Sam coaches little league, and his domestic partner, Jess, was watching one day. One of the Moms said to Jess: Which one is yours?
Jess: See the big one who’s coaching? That one's mine.
The Mom: Oh, you're Sam's girlfriend. What's it like to date a guy who doesn't have a car?
Granted, this woman is possibly of a different culture and age bracket than we're talking about. (But on the other hand, I am 34. And our advice-seeker is also in his thirties. So, maybe not age bracket.)

We are all, not matter how well-educated or counter-culture, controlled to some extent by mass media and advertising. Several guys have said things to me about how they chose their car to attract the ladies. Maybe that works on some ladies. Maybe that works on me (goddess forbid!). Or maybe, like the craigslist responders said, it is much more complicated than that, and the ladies CARLESS is choosing are just not looking to fall in love or at least not with him. In fact, and I draw upon more knowledge than should be available, maybe our CARLESS advice seeker is sabotaging his own efforts and going after what he wants from the ladies (whatever that is) the wrong way. [warning: compulsory cliché here] Only time will tell.

London's traffic tactic piques interest in S.F. / Congestion eased by making drivers pay to traverse busiest areas at peak times

London's traffic tactic piques interest in S.F. / Congestion eased by making drivers pay to traverse busiest areas at peak times

It got 3 articles in the Chronicle over the past few days!

London mayor pitches congestion charge to clear up city traffic

London mayor pitches congestion charge to clear up city traffic

This is what I talked about.

Let's get rolling with bikes

Let's get rolling with bikes

I spoke at this panel event on London's congestion charging.

Pillows versus Girlfriends

Pillows versus Girlfriends

Just Between Us Girls

Wired News: Just Between Us Girls

In case you thought you were weird or had strange hangups....