Friends

You know how someone says something once, or a few times, or comes up with a theory, and then years pass, and you've accepted the theory, but you can no longer remember if you thought of it or if someone else did, who that was? So it is with the friends theory. The friends theory states that you need a minimum of 3 and a maximum of 6 best friends to be happy.

Sometimes it's obvious whom your friends are, but other times in my life, like right now, I need assistance defining best friends. For the sake of clarity, the 3 to 6 best friends rule includes your significant other (when you have one). Last night Brian and I decided (it may have just been me who decided, but let's say we discussed it) that a best friend is someone you make a conscious effort to spend quality one-on-one time with at least once a month. Out of towners and people who have fallen into the relationship/work abyss do not count, although they continue to hold a special place in your heart until they return.

Best friends are also defined by a subjective vibe. There may be someone in your life who, for whatever reason, you spend a lot of time with but do not feel like you can really share yourself with. This person is not a best friend; they are a friend. Best friend needs are not just about time spent; the depth of the relationship also defines them. For example, my mother has about 10 best friends. For years, Bette has been her "Best Friend" (don't tell the others she's cheating with them). Except the problem is that until recently Bette and my mother never made time to spend together. They just talked on the phone 3 or 4 times per day. Hence my mother's lack of fidelity.

I find 6 best friends a bit too many to handle. On the flip side, in recent years, I have had a lot of friends I spent time with and few or even no hard and fast Best Friends. I found this a bit lonely even when I had social plans 5 nights of the week. (This may also have been related to the fact that I was in a dysfunctional and very unstable relationship.) The point is that it's a fine balance and subject to the influence of numerous external influences.

Still struggling with the definitions, I find that now I have 4 bona fide best friends and about 10 good solid second tier friends. (Names are omitted to protect the innocent.) Combining that with everything else that I do, I am spread a bit thin these days. But that's more a matter of time management and being able to say "no" to invitations. I'll write another blog on rules for that (as soon as I figure out what they are).